Wednesday, August 31, 2011

The Truth

There's really no way to start this but to apologize. Yeah, I never told you guys any of this. But I didn't make much of a secret of the fact that I was in prison, and honestly, it's been fourteen years. I just wanted to leave my fucked up childhood behind me. I don't talk about it, I don't think about it, I do everything humanly possible to pretend that it never fucking happened.

I've been sitting here trying to tell my story for the past few hours. I can't. I can't tell it again, I can't. I told TMV while I was at his house. The whole story of my life, for you to hear and judge. Because I won't have people accusing me of lying anymore. 

That's the truth of it. I've been a terrible person for most of my life. I've done horrible things. But I've been fighting with everything I have to change, for Cam and for myself. Because I realized while in that jail cell that I didn't want to be the woman I'd been. I wanted to be something Cam could be proud of, after everything he'd done for me.

If you can't forgive me, then fine. I understand.
But I've worked hard to change, and I keep doing so every day.


  1. survival survivor we are young we are survivors we are not evil we are raw we are primal we are ALIVE oh god it hurts....

  2. As long as the past remains the past, it'll be okay. I'm sorry that happened, whether you are victim or perpetrator or both.

  3. Elaine, sweetheart...


    What you were back then doesn't matter; it's how you let your past shape you into who you are now. And by changing? By recognizing that you can be better, and by trying to be better?

    You're making Cam prouder than you can ever imagine.

    ... You're making me proud, too.

  4. No one cares about the past. We've all got something much worse than you chasing us.

  5. ... See? Not so bad, sweetie.
    We all believe in you. Now it's just a matter of believing in yourself.

  6. Forgiveness is granted to the ones who really search it. No one is bad enough, ever.

  7. forgiveness.
    you are what you are.

    no shame.

    take strength in what you can. you will need it.

  8. I can't imagine, not even for a second, that Cam could ever not be proud of what you've become.

    You are doing amazingly.

  9. I'm so happy you're here though Elaine.

    I just want you to know that none of that matters to me. And I don't care about anything you've done or that you haven't told me about. I honestly don't want you to tell me anything you can't talk about yet.

    Just know that I'm here and no matter what you've done I'll be your friend.

    Thank you for being here Elaine. I'm sorry for what's happened to you.

  10. Thank you.
    All of you, thank you so much.
    I've been... I've been so fucking terrified I'd lose you all over this.
    Thank you all.

  11. Sins cannot go unpunished but that they are forgiven. Do not think though that you are free yet.

    I leave you, my regards.

  12. I can understand what you're saying. I can understand that you've "worked hard to change." I get that. I can believe that. I can respect that.

    But that doesn't change a damn thing. What happens if you slip up? Something goes wrong and you end up losing it again? Do you really want to risk what could happen to other people who are around you when that happens?

    You can't trust yourself, Elaine. Please. For the sake of everyone around you, don't let them trust you. If you truly care about them, you'll do that to protect them.


  13. Coronado. Hydingplace. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. In other words, guys, quit being dicks. Elaine's a good person. She isn't the same person who did those things.
    Coronado, if you're so religious, then you know it is God's place to judge, not Man's. How do you know Elaine hasn't already BEEN forgiven? You don't. Judge not lest ye be judged.
    Hydingplace. If Elaine only lives according to the what-ifs, she'll never have anyone. Her life will be bleak and hopeless. Is that what you want? That's exactly the environment that could drive her back into that life. If you really worry about her future, you should encourage her to keep reaching out to people.
    Elaine. Sorry if any of my comments are out of line. I'm kinda stressed right now because of things with KK.


  14. The past is the past. Some people prefer to live in it, and that will consume them.

    We've gotta look to the future to keep going.

    Elaine, you're different from then. You may not believe that, but you show kindness to most runners who comment here. You were nice enough to show concern for me when we barely knew each other. You care for people, and that makes you a good person.

    I trust you.

  15. Knew it. A kid can't just kill so many people like that. But if He was involved, it makes more sense. Not that He makes sense.

    Can't imagine how traumatic that would be. Him using you to kill people you knew. Your own family. And you only a kid. Then you made it through all those other awful things too. I've got no right to complain about anything.

    But He let you go, Elaine? Or the asylum fixed you? Either way, you got out for a while. And He's not using you now, right? So Jekyll's advice is wrong. Wrong for you.

  16. I can relate.

    According to the notes in Nick's laptop, he knew all about this. He's a good judge of character, and if he was willing to go to bed with you, my guess is that you're not as bad as you'd think.

    He does always go for the slightly psychotic ones though.

    Either way, nothing you can do about it except move on.

  17. Coronado. Take your fucking bullshit elsewhere. I don't want your talk of sin and punishment. That's just crap. Do me a favor and go fuck yourself, you self righteous asshole.

    Jek, I've been at this for a long time. I know my limits, I know where I can and cannot take a risk.

    Derek, thanks. It means a lot that you're willing to step up and defend me.

    Konaa, thank you. That means more to me than I could possibly express. Thank you.

    Atalanta, that's what I've been trying to figure out. I don't know when he stopped using me, and I don't know why, and until I figure that out, to a degree, Jekyll's right, because I don't know that I'm safe. I do know that I can identify the shift in my head when he takes over. If I have to, I'm convinced I can hold it off long enough to get away.

    Ellen. Thank you. It means a lot. Any word on him...?

  18. Interesting. You earlier said you find the theory that Slendy originated from the SA topic most convincing, but now you're claiming he was there when you were a kid. I guess it's too much to expect consistency from crazy people.

  19. I should clarify that, you're right, Ben.
    The truth is, I remember almost nothing of the two years I think I worked for him. But I'm not stupid. I can put the pieces together and figure out what probably happened.
    But I only put that together over the past few weeks. When I put up that discussion, I hadn't even let myself think about my own experiences in a long time.

  20. Oh, spirits..Elaine. I know that you don't know me at all, but..I admire you for trying. For fighting. Thank you for having the story shared.

  21. You seem kind. I have faith in you.

  22. Even in my long absence you have not changed, have you?

    You call me self-righteous, yet look at yourselves. All of you. So certain that what you fight is some kind of force for evil, that by fighting against Him you are tools for good. How foolish. All without any knowledge, not even a hint, of what might be His true purpose. No, because He brings pain and destruction, surely He must be an enemy. Such foolishness.

    Be seeing you.


  23. I don't fight him. Frankly, in my opinion, he can't be good or evil. He exists outside of any human moral framework. But I object to what he does, and thus oppose it. Doing so is morally neutral. You cannot claim any more, nor can you sit in judgement on us.


  24. Lainey Lainey, such a bad girl you've been. Sounds like Uncle Ridley needs to come give you a spanking. Shut up, don't look at me like that! I am not a pervert? Your mom!

    So uh, Archy, bro? What you doin'?

    Stay frosty.

  25. He tortures people and kills them. He destroys lives and corrupts the innocent. I don't believe in good and evil, but I do believe he needs to be stopped, Coronado.

    Derek, well said, I guess, though I don't entirely agree.

    Ridley, sweetie, if there will be spanking going on between us, I'll be delivering it, I promise. I only let people I respect top me.

  26. Oh.
    Oh really.
    Good to know, then.

  27. So long as you've turned it around, I wouldn't worry about what happened.

    I think it's good you put this up as well.

    Life bites, but that doesn't mean it can't get better. You my dear deserve better. I hope that life is a bit more kind to you.

  28. Wow, Spencer, it is remarkable how past the too much information line that just went.

  29. Spencer, darling, all things considered I didn't think that was new information for you.

    Rabbit, thank you.

    Konaa, that was pretty tame, but I could go ahead and cross that line, just for you, kid.
    So hush, please.

  30. Kid, it's nothing personal, and I know I'm damn late to the party, but I would personally have a hard time working with someone who had murdered several people in there past... I'm glad the others can work with you, but... I would be hard pressed to walk in front of you...

    Maybe further reading will change my opinion.