Wednesday, October 26, 2011

I've been putting this off long enough

Some of you observant folks might remember that Cam left behind a notebook and that I've been promising to post it for a while. The wait is over, everyone. Here it is. But don't say I didn't warn you.

It's... strange. A lot of nerd references, a lot of him writing with his off hand (I guess to disguise the writing some?). And. Then, these two things.

This tells me a couple of things:

First and most obvious. He knew he was going to die. He knew how he was going to die. He chose not to fight it, to let it happen.

Second, he thought his death would 'free' me. This probably goes back to when I was a kid, during that big chunk of time I just don't remember. But... I have no idea. Why would he think that? Why would him dying ever be a good thing?
I just don't know.
I need more info. I'm looking through Cam's notes. He's got... a lot of random papers, assorted journals, looks like, from random times starting from when he was a kid and spanning to his death.
I'm going through them but... I'll admit, it's slow going. This is fucking hard. He... he was my best friend. He was all I had for most of my life, and this... I'm finding out how little I really knew him.
Because that was always just how he was. He put everyone and everything before himself. He didn't matter. The rest of the world was more important.
I was more important.
I wish I'd taken the time to try and talk to him more about him.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Lockdown Successful

The only way I can really start off this post is by saying how much I adore the outrageously fancy electronic lock system Cam bought for Hope.  Without it, the events of yesterday afternoon would've possibly ended much worse than they did.

We've had our first incident at Hope(I'm not naive enough to not expect more down the line), which was dealt with quickly and decisively. Michael, like so many of us Stalked, has a bit of a problem with going slendercrazy. So far as we can tell, he wasn't actually around, but it doesn't exactly go away. Some of you will know that firsthand.
He describes the lead up better than I could, not being in his head for it, but the long and short of it was that Shaun and I were watching a movie when Michael peeked in the door looking spooked and darted when he saw us. I was understandably concerned and when to chase him. As it turns out, Joel had chased him from when he ran away from their door. He told me what had happened, and the three of us chased Michael downstairs.
I... took a minute to lock down the gate so he couldn't get away-he clearly wasn't in his right mind and I wasn't going to just let him leave.
We found Tia and Lis there, outside. I sent Lis inside and locked down the entire place(Like I said, I /love/ this security system). Tia stayed, she's almost as good as I am in a fight. The four of us went after him. When we found him, I lured him into attacking me, Tia and Shaun subdued him, and Joel and I made sure there were no unpleasant surprises about.
Michael's pretty good with that stick of his, so there's a few bumps and bruises, but we're all okay and Michael is under pretty strict supervision.
He's back to himself, came out of it as soon as he woke up, honestly, but I'm keeping him secure for a day or two just in case.
As much as I hate to see this happen to a friend, it's nice to know that my plans and security measures are working so far. Score one for Hope!

In other news, TMV arrived Wednesday. He's settled in pretty well, it's nice to have him here. Kind of a strange reversal of the old days, when I stayed with him. Hopefully no one's getting stabbed this time.

Also. I've put it off long enough. I've been spending a lot of time looking through Cam's notebook, his papers from the old apartment... and I need to share what I've found. I think it's important. Expect pictures soon.

Monday, October 17, 2011

A Day of Peace

We have another new arrival today and I have to say, he's probably the one I've been most excited about. Shaun's here, and it's completely insane and completely wonderful. He's just looks so fucking happy to be here. I'm glad I could do this for him. He's my oldest friend among the runners, and I really honestly never expected to get to meet him. And yet. Here he is. I'm excited to have him here.

To add to the general air of excitement and good cheer, Joel's back! Not Wolf, not that weird halfway state, but Joel. Lucas has been floating on air all day and I can't honestly say I blame him. It's good to have my friend back, and at this point I know too well what it feels like when a lover goes over...
But Joel's back and smiling and they're billing and cooing again like they always used to. I swear, there's something in the air here at Hope, everyone's being all couply.

So, tonight Hope celebrates. Because apparently, sometimes things really do work out.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Just a Little Note

I've been a bit busy to update-there's a lot to do getting a place this large set up, a lot of little things that need to be taken care of-and that take a lot longer with injured ribs like this.

Lis, Tia, and Blake arrived Wednesday. It's been good to have them, and the impromptu birthday celebrations the other night were fun. I have been very glad to have a chance to spend time with Lis in person, and it's been fun getting to know Tia and Blake.
They've settled in pretty well, and I'm really glad to have them all.

Nemo last night as well, bringing with him three rather special folks. Levi, Jennifer, and Emily Johnson. Now, these three don't have a blog, but they do keep tabs on them as much as they can. Mostly, they just focus on running.
They are probably the only family of runners that I've heard of (except perhaps for the ill fated Delmonts, but they weren't running all together). These guys are smart, all three of them. When Emily started seeing slendershit, they did the standard police thing, but when it wasn't working, they did some research. Found the blogs, started reading, figured out what was going on.
They weren't going to let their daughter go. So they packed her up, piled into their minivan, and started running. That was... mid August.
They've held it together pretty well, all things considered, but they were running low on funds to pay for food and such even before the van broke down. They hid out in an abandoned house and tried to set it up to be as safe as possible and sent me a distress call-they found the post about Hope, and how I promised to get people here if I needed to, and just went for it. They didn't really have many options left.
About an hour later Nemo emailed me asking if I needed anyone brought to Hope. Seemed perfect. Worked out pretty damn well. The kid's crazy about him from what I can tell, anyway.
I'm just glad I could help them. Em's such a sweet kid, I can already tell. And Jennifer and Levi? They're just... so devoted to her, it's beautiful.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Visitors, Requests, and a Name

I have to say, I honestly didn't expect Hope to take off so quickly. That's the name I've given this place. Hope. Because that's what it is.
In any event, I didn't expect this place to get so popular so quickly. But it's looking like there's going to be twelve people here by next week. So, I'm really excited and proud of how well Cam's dream has paid off. I've got all of you, and as of today I can safely say I think we're as safe as we can be. Mystery was very helpful with some protective mojo we could try, and looking through Cam's notes, he's got some really good ideas, all of which he's incorporated into this place.
I can't promise that it'll work, there's no guarantee, but it seems likely, anyhow.

In other news, we had a visitor today. David, to be precise. I've dealt with him a couple times before. I'm never quite sure what to expect with him because he seems quite fond of me, but he is David, and he's done some terrible things to people.
But, again, he was quite friendly with me. He showed up at the gate and asked to see me, didn't object when I refused to let him inside(Polite or not, he's still a proxy).
I took him out to get dinner at this little diner not too far from Hope. We had a nice chat. I think... I dunno, I think he's fucking lonely or something. I'm not sure what he wants, otherwise. He's not making threats or trying to seduce me to the fucking darkside, just... talking.
I don't really know what it was about, but what I do know is that seeing him like this, I know why TMV was willing to go with him.

In any event,  he's long gone by now. I really just have one more thing to say. Anyone who wants to come stay at Hope needs to email me, and I'll chat with you and hopefully give you directions. For security I'd prefer not to put stuff up in comments about it-I don't want proxies tracking you here.
My email is
I hope to hear from anyone who needs me. Hope is here for those who need it.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Hope Spot

I'm writing this to all of you from Austin. I've come home. Sort of. Didn't dare go back to the old apartment. Thankfully, I didn't have to.

Before Cam died, he did a lot of things. Some of them I'll be looking into and documenting later. Some of them are all around me now. Perhaps the most ostentatious is this house. He had a house built. Seven stories, heavily fortified, completely secure against mundane threats.
He arranged to have it completely furnished and ready to go. He told the builders that the key was to go only to me. Not even to him.

So, a week ago, I got a call from the builders. The house was finished. Completely furnished, ready to go. And the needed me to do a walk through and make sure everything was in order. I wasn't about to say no. Cam... always knew what he was doing.
Obviously the hospital stay delayed me some, but today I arrived in Texas, and after meeting up with Lucas and Joel and Josh, I've settled in.

The place is amazing. It could easily fit twenty people, with everyone having their own bedroom.  We've kind of spread out, I think (Though Lucas, Joel, and Josh are on a different floor than me, so I'm not entirely sure what their rooming arrangement is)

Cam left me a letter to go with it. I'll... I'll share it with all of you.

By the time you read this, I'll be gone. It's okay, by now you should know I knew it was coming. I made sure to prepare to have you as taken care of as possible when I died. I'm not... entirely sure when during the building process I went. It doesn't really matter.
I don't know what has happened since I wrote this, what has changed, what new information has come to light. But I had this built for the three of us(two of you, now, I guess).
I want you to make this place as safe as you can, and then I want you to start taking people in. I know, I know, it's supposed to not be safe to do that. But we held out for a while, right? And you've had so much more time to pick this stuff up now. You can make it work.
Help people. You need them as much as they need you. Maybe you've learned that already. I hope you have.
It was my dream to use this house to help them, but that's not possible anymore. So do it for me. Please.
Help them-someone needs to.

So what else can I do? It was our dream, before. All of our big plans were to make this happen. It was on my mind anyway. I've been making my own arrangements. Getting things going, reading up on additional ways to keep the house safe.

Lucas, Joel, and Josh are going to help. It's good to have them here. This house would be a bit too empty if they weren't.

So, I guess this is the official announcement. I'm opening this place up. I make no guarantees about safety, though I will tell you that I am going to do everything I can think of, including borrowing ideas from people who've been doing this far longer than me.

If anyone needs a place to stay, get in touch. I can get you here and get you some solid meals, showers, a warm bed. Even just for a few days.

Here's hoping this is actually a good idea.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Death and Hospitals

Before I do anything else, I want to remember Morningstar.

Look, I know a lot of you never liked him, never trusted him. A lot of you were convinced he'd never change. Some of you were convinced that even if he did, he needed to die for his crimes.

Those people clearly never saw him like I did.

He had a big reputation, considering his knack for cartoonish violence and his... interesting eating habits. And, you know, I'm not going to bother arguing about that. Because, yeah, he was bad. He was pretty terrible. He killed a lot of people, did a lot of terrible things.

But, we've all seen the difference now. The clear distinction between Star being free and Star as a hallowed. The evidence is right there on the blog. The creativity, the personality? That was always him. The cruelty, the lack of regard for people? That was not.

So, for the record. The Star that killed people by tying them to railroad tracks or trapping them in mazes of death? That's not the man I'm mourning today.

The Star I'm mourning is the one I introduced you all to. The one who held me while I cried. The one who risked everything to get me out of a bad situation, the one who gave up everything he had to try and find a way to live as a runner.
The Star who still cried about his brother, and who never stopped hurting and doubting himself after the abuse of his parents.
The Star who loved hugs and who hated to see me hurt, and who was such a complete softie that he literally tucked me in and sat by my bedside, that last day, because he saw the pain I was in.
I loved him like the brother I lost so long ago. I just wanted to keep him safe, to give him the chance to chose for himself for the first time in his entire fucking life.
I had hoped that even if he died from this, he would die a free man.

It seems that thanks to a certain proxy in denial, this was not to be. Mitch, I can't bring myself to wish horrible tortures on you, because those are inevitable now. Know that by succumbing to this you have failed Ryuu, your family, and yourself. Know that being robbed of that kill will haunt you for the rest of your life-as short as that will be, now, even without my interference, and that I rejoice in that fact.
I will not waste my time seeking revenge, because that won't bring him back. He wouldn't want me to, and so I will respect that. But I will dance on your grave when you meet your inevitable horrible fate.

That said, I'm out of the hospital now-though that was a story that I owe it to you all to share.

Considering the events of the past few days-and my complete inability to share them with non-Stalked in a way that makes sense, the doctors have become increasingly suspicious of my mental health. After all, I've spent the past month and change at the mercy of my kidnapper/rapist, right? (And yes, that's what they think happened with Jake and I'm certainly not going to tell them the truth).
I've been doing what I can to convince them otherwise, but that's very difficult when you're terrified and grieving.
Yesterday after the news about Konaa I flipped so much shit I... may have punched a nurse that came to check on me. Not hard enough to do any damage, but hard enough to scare her.
They sedated me. Knocked me right the fuck out. After I specifically informed them on day one that I didn't care what they had to do, I would be awake for it. Refused to sign anything that gave them the right to do so.
This morning they made me go through a psych evaluation-they were trying to get me sent to the psychiatric ward for my trauma.
I passed the evaluation with flying colors, then proceeded to make a huge stink about patients rights and legality and how I had just gotten the news that my dear friend had died and it was simply purely reasonable grief that I had been suffering and how they were all assholes that I was going to sue the pants off of if they did not discharge me.
Funny, it took maaaaybe two hours after that before I was walking out the door.

So, I'm on the road again, this time with a specific destination in mind. No more mad wandering, no more letting fear get the best of me. Shaun's right. I have to live. For all of them that aren't anymore.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Holy Fuck, Please No

I'm still in the hospital. Recovering. They're talking about letting me out soon. Which is nice, and I'll be glad for that.

But. Priorities.

Mitch has Star. Mitch has Star and she's going to kill him and I'm stuck in a hospital bed unable to do anything but beg. I'm. I'm begging you for help. Anyone who can see this. Nick? TMV? She likes you, she listens to you. Please, just... anyone who might be able to get through to her, please. Say something. Talk to her. Help me help him. Please. He's gone mad but there's no saying he'll never be able to come back. Please.

He's just a kid, guys. Please help me help him.

Mitch, if you're reading this. I'm begging you, please. Don't do this.