Wednesday, October 26, 2011

I've been putting this off long enough

Some of you observant folks might remember that Cam left behind a notebook and that I've been promising to post it for a while. The wait is over, everyone. Here it is. But don't say I didn't warn you.

It's... strange. A lot of nerd references, a lot of him writing with his off hand (I guess to disguise the writing some?). And. Then, these two things.

This tells me a couple of things:

First and most obvious. He knew he was going to die. He knew how he was going to die. He chose not to fight it, to let it happen.

Second, he thought his death would 'free' me. This probably goes back to when I was a kid, during that big chunk of time I just don't remember. But... I have no idea. Why would he think that? Why would him dying ever be a good thing?
I just don't know.
I need more info. I'm looking through Cam's notes. He's got... a lot of random papers, assorted journals, looks like, from random times starting from when he was a kid and spanning to his death.
I'm going through them but... I'll admit, it's slow going. This is fucking hard. He... he was my best friend. He was all I had for most of my life, and this... I'm finding out how little I really knew him.
Because that was always just how he was. He put everyone and everything before himself. He didn't matter. The rest of the world was more important.
I was more important.
I wish I'd taken the time to try and talk to him more about him.


  1. Well at least some of it is in glorious technicolor?
    ...I deserve to be smacked in the face for that one.
    But it's... never easy. You'll get through this, I know you will; Just try and find out as much as you can from this.

  2. You can't spend time regretting, Elaine. You didn't know any better, he didn't want you to. Now he does, even if that means he's not here it doesn't stop the fact he's still talking to you and trying to help. You did everything you were supposed to while he was alive, if he knew what was coming and didn't change it that's on him. You shouldn't regret the choices that aren't yours to make. All you can do now is figure out just what he's left behind for you.

    And if you need anything I'm always just a call away. Stay safe my friend.

  3. Thanks, Spence. That's what I'm trying to do.

  4. Memories are powerful, they can consume you, but if you use them right they can tools to keep you strong. Never let yourself forget the ones that help you, and use them to smother the regrets. You cannot change the past, but you can use it, and you can learn, never stop learning.

    See you around

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  6. Knowing your death is a horrible thing.

  7. I find pages 9 and 23 quite interesting, sister.

  8. 9, yeah. 23 is just as far as I can tell a chart for figuring out which Runners to invite to the wedding. It was mixed in with the rest of the wedding plans stuff I left out

  9. Is the bunnies and midgets thing something about your childhood? because it is the only issue that dosnt seems to go in too well there..

  10. Heh, it's a quote from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

  11. Good for you Elaine :) Shame about it being in crayon. One of those last pages is really hard to read...

  12. Oh is that what it was, inviting guests? It looked like a damn shipping chart.

    Granted, he probably had one of those somewhere too.

    ...I really miss that guy. Thanks for posting this.