Friday, October 7, 2011

Death and Hospitals

Before I do anything else, I want to remember Morningstar.

Look, I know a lot of you never liked him, never trusted him. A lot of you were convinced he'd never change. Some of you were convinced that even if he did, he needed to die for his crimes.

Those people clearly never saw him like I did.

He had a big reputation, considering his knack for cartoonish violence and his... interesting eating habits. And, you know, I'm not going to bother arguing about that. Because, yeah, he was bad. He was pretty terrible. He killed a lot of people, did a lot of terrible things.

But, we've all seen the difference now. The clear distinction between Star being free and Star as a hallowed. The evidence is right there on the blog. The creativity, the personality? That was always him. The cruelty, the lack of regard for people? That was not.

So, for the record. The Star that killed people by tying them to railroad tracks or trapping them in mazes of death? That's not the man I'm mourning today.

The Star I'm mourning is the one I introduced you all to. The one who held me while I cried. The one who risked everything to get me out of a bad situation, the one who gave up everything he had to try and find a way to live as a runner.
The Star who still cried about his brother, and who never stopped hurting and doubting himself after the abuse of his parents.
The Star who loved hugs and who hated to see me hurt, and who was such a complete softie that he literally tucked me in and sat by my bedside, that last day, because he saw the pain I was in.
I loved him like the brother I lost so long ago. I just wanted to keep him safe, to give him the chance to chose for himself for the first time in his entire fucking life.
I had hoped that even if he died from this, he would die a free man.

It seems that thanks to a certain proxy in denial, this was not to be. Mitch, I can't bring myself to wish horrible tortures on you, because those are inevitable now. Know that by succumbing to this you have failed Ryuu, your family, and yourself. Know that being robbed of that kill will haunt you for the rest of your life-as short as that will be, now, even without my interference, and that I rejoice in that fact.
I will not waste my time seeking revenge, because that won't bring him back. He wouldn't want me to, and so I will respect that. But I will dance on your grave when you meet your inevitable horrible fate.

That said, I'm out of the hospital now-though that was a story that I owe it to you all to share.

Considering the events of the past few days-and my complete inability to share them with non-Stalked in a way that makes sense, the doctors have become increasingly suspicious of my mental health. After all, I've spent the past month and change at the mercy of my kidnapper/rapist, right? (And yes, that's what they think happened with Jake and I'm certainly not going to tell them the truth).
I've been doing what I can to convince them otherwise, but that's very difficult when you're terrified and grieving.
Yesterday after the news about Konaa I flipped so much shit I... may have punched a nurse that came to check on me. Not hard enough to do any damage, but hard enough to scare her.
They sedated me. Knocked me right the fuck out. After I specifically informed them on day one that I didn't care what they had to do, I would be awake for it. Refused to sign anything that gave them the right to do so.
This morning they made me go through a psych evaluation-they were trying to get me sent to the psychiatric ward for my trauma.
I passed the evaluation with flying colors, then proceeded to make a huge stink about patients rights and legality and how I had just gotten the news that my dear friend had died and it was simply purely reasonable grief that I had been suffering and how they were all assholes that I was going to sue the pants off of if they did not discharge me.
Funny, it took maaaaybe two hours after that before I was walking out the door.

So, I'm on the road again, this time with a specific destination in mind. No more mad wandering, no more letting fear get the best of me. Shaun's right. I have to live. For all of them that aren't anymore.


  1. Ok...
    So I have already established my point. I hate slendezombies. With my soul.
    But... If you saw something on Star, maybe there was a good side. I stand by my theory that he was far to gone to be recovered completely, but, that said, you're right. He should have had a choice to live a normal life.
    Star you would be missed by most of us.
    And I certainly won't dance in your grave.

  2. I know I'm just a lurker but I feel like my two cents may matter here.

    Elaine, for as horrible as he was and what he did to other people, he was there for you. He was one of those invaluable, irreplacable friends in your eyes, and that's all that you need to remember him by. Though others will never look past what he was manipulated to do, all you need to know is that you knew the real Morningstar-- and he was your friend.

  3. I'm glad he was able to redeem himself a bit for a short amount of time before all this happened.

    My regards.

  4. "And if I should die, God forbid, I want people to say, 'He's up in Heaven now.' That's my favorite joke."

    you're damn right I'm right Elaine. Keep on keepin can do this. I know you can. You know you can.

  5. "Elaine. I am sorry. I am sorry. This is not your fault. I am sorry I died died. Please forgive me me for my words above above. I did not mean them. You are the only friend I have ever had. I am sorry I failed you. I am sorry I was too weak to survive. Forgive me."

    That was the final message on Morningstar's blog. Didn't know if you were up to date on the code. Thought you might like to see that.

    Just remember what you said above regarding Mitch as said by another in slightly different words: "An eye for an eye means the whole world's blind."

    She had her reasons. I cannot condone what Mitch did, but I won't say she was wrong either.

    Though I do not mourn the death of Morningstar. But I mourn what he might have been, if he could have only been kept out of trouble.

  6. Tl;dr

    I think I might go for brunch.

  7. Elaine, there was nothing that could be done. He was at Mitch's mercy to realise there was none.

    I am proud of you for even trying to get him back to some kind of normality.

    As for travelling, try not to get killed on the way. :)


  8. Not, Cat, thank you

    Shaun. Yeah. I know. Thank you so much for all your help.

    Nick, I will say she was wrong. The fact that he was lucid enough to write that message proves that he was still in there.
    No, I won't go seeking revenge, but I will never forgive her for that.

    Ferus, go to hell

    Lucas, there is always something more that could be done. But it's too late now. Thank you.

    Missionary, thank you. It most certainly is.

  9. Human logic and justice is so contradictory isn’t it?

    Everything must pass into a "self-destruction and pain" process before becoming something new.
    A great pain, if not physical but psychological and emotional was suffered by him without most people noticing it. I always considered Morning-.. ..Brother Star like a "reflexing mirror" of a modern knight; 'No matter the pain and internal suffering, an hypocrite smile should always be grin for those who follow you, so they don’t fall into desperation and death'

    The only difference is that, he was forced to grin.