Death

I didn't want to believe it. I refused to believe it, wrote my post yesterday completely convinced that it was a cruel trick. But it's not.

August St.Claire is dead.

Fuck, saying it like that... I can't hardly stand to look at it. But it's the truth, and he wouldn't have wanted us to hide from it. He was the best of us, a beacon of love and hope in the midst of all the tragedy of the Stalked. A lost, broken boy, who decided to make meaning for himself out of helping the rest of us.
And just like Emma and Cam before him, a monster laid him low to try to destroy us.

Steele has already made the threats I want to make. I'm sure he and the rest of them will be able to say better, more beautiful things in memory of this man that took such good care of us all. Eulogies will be made, a lot of tears will be shed, because the world has lost some of it's goodness without August around to mother us all.

But August... he knew what I was long before the rest of you. He made friends with Cam and wore a dress to his wedding to make us smile. Fought in it too, to defend people he'd never even met before.
He drove halfway across the country on a moment's fucking notice to try and rescue me, a woman he'd only met once and barely talked to.
He took all my late night phonecalls, when I was drunk and crying or angry or whatever other reason. He talked me down and gentled me and told me that I was a good fucking woman and that I really could make Cam proud.
He somehow found my fucking birthday and made me a goddamn feast to celebrate, without being asked, just to try and make me smile.
He held me while I cried, more times than I can count.
He let me use his fucking bedroom when I was scared and lonely and Spencer was... not himself.
He cheered me on while I fought for Star, and when I attempted the impossible task of setting up a safehouse.
He talked me down when I was piss drunk and scared
He came down to help settle in Richard, Elliott, and Alex, because after what they'd been through they needed all the gentle they could get.
He was the one I called when Hope was falling down around my ears and I didn't know what to do.
He was the one I turned to when I got back to the House and I was too far gone to even register anything but loss.
He was the one that mothered Emily when I couldn't fucking do it, and she was hurting as badly as I was
He made no complaint, merely held me and apologized when I tried to kill myself.
He was the one that always made time for me if it was physically possible, no matter what.
And in the end, I didn't realize how much I'd come to rely on him until I was talking to Lori on the phone because I couldn't believe he was gone until I'd heard it from her.

He will be missed. And Writer, you're fucking retarded if you think this will go unpunished.

Holidays are Fucking Exhauasting

Just posting briefly to say that we've made it to Benjamin's place. The stockings are hung, presents are under the tree, Em's happily asleep in her room after watching Christmas movies till I wanted to scream.

I've never been a big fan of the holidays, but it's nice to see her smiling properly again.

Benjamin's a good host, if you wanna hear about the mundane bullshit, just follow the link to his blog. I'm gonna go fill some stockings, then crash.

Maybe then I won't have to think about everyone that's not here with us.

Apologies and Eulogies

Well, it's Elaine again. I'm still alive, I'm doing just fine, and back more or less to normal.

I really just want to start all of this off by apologizing for a certain stupid thing I did. It was selfish of me to try to remove myself from all of this without thinking about those of you I'd be leaving behind. Most of you I've talked to one way or another to apologize to more directly, but I feel like I should say something here. According to Blogger, a lot of people read this fucking blog. Probably at least some of you are looking for guidance, just like I was, back when I started. I don't want my story to end with such a cop-out.
All of you reading this deserve more from me, and honestly, I don't really feel like giving up yet. There's a lot of fighting left for me to do before I get my rest, and I intend to make slendershit crazy trying to take me out.

It was just grief. Grief for everyone we've lost recently. Starting with the fall of Hope, I lost eight of the people nearest and dearest to me over the course of a week. As I've said in the past, I'm nothing fancy with words or feelings, but I feel like I ought to say something for everyone that's gone.

The Johnsons. Their blood is directly on my hands. The family came to Hope because it was the only chance they had left. When they arrived they'd lost everything but each other, and were managing to hold strong and raise their daughter well.
But they had too much faith in me. They said the safest place in the world for them was at my side, in Hope, even without special protection. Jennifer, Levi, and poor little Adam. They were a loving, close knit family, and they deserved better than what they got.  Elliott and I are taking care of their daughter. Emily is only six, but she's amazing. I hope we can raise her right and keep her safe.

Michael. Or perhaps I should call him Nemo? He were more himself before he took his name back. He was a dear friend to me, even when he was going mad. Down underneath the protective layer of douchebaggery was the kind and thoughtful man I came to know when he first came to Hope. I miss him a lot, and I will always regret that I couldn't help him when he came to me in the end.

Konaa. He was a hell of a brave, crazy kid. No, man. I called him a kid, but his actions proved himself to be one hell of a good man. He was another of the best of us. Noble, tenacious, kind. He never gave a crap about himself, he was always fighting for us. He never killed, never even harmed anyone unless he absolutely had to. He was a good friend and a good man. He will be missed by all. He died as he lived-standing for what he believed in.

Lucas. He was by far one of the best, kindest men I've ever had the good fortune to know. He helped me through a lot of shit right until the end. He was also the first other Stalked I really got in touch with when shit hit the fan, which made him... one of my oldest friends. The world has lost something, losing him.

Joel. He and I were close as well. Lucas and Joel were, for a while, a bright shiny example of true love in the face of adversity. Then he was taken by his Wolf. But he refused to give up. He fought his way back out for the man he loved. He shouldn't be remembered by his final actions, but as a man who did anything and everything to protect the man he loved.

Josh. He was a hell of a kid. Would've really been somebody if he'd gotten a chance to grow up and actually do things, instead of run from a faceless fuck in a suit.  I didn't get to know him quite as well as the others, but I knew him well enough to miss him now.

I'll try to get something up in the next few days talking about what's been going on with me.

I'm Done

Everyone's dead.  Hope is lost. I can't do this anymore. I just can't.
I'm so sorry.


August, this isn't your fault. Please don't blame yourself.

Spencer. I love you. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough.

Lori... thank you for trying to help, I'm sorry for flipping out on you.

Elliott. Take care of Emily for me? I'm so sorry I couldn't keep you safe like I said I would.

Lis... I hope everything works out for you guys.

Tia, take care of Lis for me.

Richard, you were right. I'm sorry.

David, I'm sorry I failed you. Thank you.

Nick. Take care of yourself, you crazy fuck. Thank you for what you did for Hope.

Shaun. I.

Goodbye. I love you all. I'm so sorry for letting you down.

I've been putting this off long enough

Some of you observant folks might remember that Cam left behind a notebook and that I've been promising to post it for a while. The wait is over, everyone. Here it is. But don't say I didn't warn you.

It's... strange. A lot of nerd references, a lot of him writing with his off hand (I guess to disguise the writing some?). And. Then, these two things.

This tells me a couple of things:

First and most obvious. He knew he was going to die. He knew how he was going to die. He chose not to fight it, to let it happen.

Second, he thought his death would 'free' me. This probably goes back to when I was a kid, during that big chunk of time I just don't remember. But... I have no idea. Why would he think that? Why would him dying ever be a good thing?
I just don't know.
I need more info. I'm looking through Cam's notes. He's got... a lot of random papers, assorted journals, looks like, from random times starting from when he was a kid and spanning to his death.
I'm going through them but... I'll admit, it's slow going. This is fucking hard. He... he was my best friend. He was all I had for most of my life, and this... I'm finding out how little I really knew him.
Because that was always just how he was. He put everyone and everything before himself. He didn't matter. The rest of the world was more important.
I was more important.
I wish I'd taken the time to try and talk to him more about him.

Death and Hospitals

Before I do anything else, I want to remember Morningstar.

Look, I know a lot of you never liked him, never trusted him. A lot of you were convinced he'd never change. Some of you were convinced that even if he did, he needed to die for his crimes.

Those people clearly never saw him like I did.

He had a big reputation, considering his knack for cartoonish violence and his... interesting eating habits. And, you know, I'm not going to bother arguing about that. Because, yeah, he was bad. He was pretty terrible. He killed a lot of people, did a lot of terrible things.

But, we've all seen the difference now. The clear distinction between Star being free and Star as a hallowed. The evidence is right there on the blog. The creativity, the personality? That was always him. The cruelty, the lack of regard for people? That was not.

So, for the record. The Star that killed people by tying them to railroad tracks or trapping them in mazes of death? That's not the man I'm mourning today.

The Star I'm mourning is the one I introduced you all to. The one who held me while I cried. The one who risked everything to get me out of a bad situation, the one who gave up everything he had to try and find a way to live as a runner.
The Star who still cried about his brother, and who never stopped hurting and doubting himself after the abuse of his parents.
The Star who loved hugs and who hated to see me hurt, and who was such a complete softie that he literally tucked me in and sat by my bedside, that last day, because he saw the pain I was in.
I loved him like the brother I lost so long ago. I just wanted to keep him safe, to give him the chance to chose for himself for the first time in his entire fucking life.
I had hoped that even if he died from this, he would die a free man.

It seems that thanks to a certain proxy in denial, this was not to be. Mitch, I can't bring myself to wish horrible tortures on you, because those are inevitable now. Know that by succumbing to this you have failed Ryuu, your family, and yourself. Know that being robbed of that kill will haunt you for the rest of your life-as short as that will be, now, even without my interference, and that I rejoice in that fact.
I will not waste my time seeking revenge, because that won't bring him back. He wouldn't want me to, and so I will respect that. But I will dance on your grave when you meet your inevitable horrible fate.



That said, I'm out of the hospital now-though that was a story that I owe it to you all to share.

Considering the events of the past few days-and my complete inability to share them with non-Stalked in a way that makes sense, the doctors have become increasingly suspicious of my mental health. After all, I've spent the past month and change at the mercy of my kidnapper/rapist, right? (And yes, that's what they think happened with Jake and I'm certainly not going to tell them the truth).
I've been doing what I can to convince them otherwise, but that's very difficult when you're terrified and grieving.
Yesterday after the news about Konaa I flipped so much shit I... may have punched a nurse that came to check on me. Not hard enough to do any damage, but hard enough to scare her.
They sedated me. Knocked me right the fuck out. After I specifically informed them on day one that I didn't care what they had to do, I would be awake for it. Refused to sign anything that gave them the right to do so.
This morning they made me go through a psych evaluation-they were trying to get me sent to the psychiatric ward for my trauma.
I passed the evaluation with flying colors, then proceeded to make a huge stink about patients rights and legality and how I had just gotten the news that my dear friend had died and it was simply purely reasonable grief that I had been suffering and how they were all assholes that I was going to sue the pants off of if they did not discharge me.
Funny, it took maaaaybe two hours after that before I was walking out the door.

So, I'm on the road again, this time with a specific destination in mind. No more mad wandering, no more letting fear get the best of me. Shaun's right. I have to live. For all of them that aren't anymore.

Not Quite So Incompetant

Got an email from Jake just a few minutes ago.

Elaine-

Before I left Austin to go looking for you I paid a visit to someone you might remember. Reggie, your old boss? The one you liked? I'd planned on saving these and sending them to you with pictures of the rest of your little friends, but I figure it's best I send these on to give you a taste.

Jake


Attached were several pictures of Reggie and his boyfriend. Dead.

Neither of them would've had any clue where I was. That was for no other reason than to throw me.

What the fuck, Jake? I didn't think you were that much of a sick fuck. You'll pay for that. They deserved better.

I'm in shock

Foolishness, Loss, and Another Log

First. It seems I've made an ass of myself on the RtS blog. The comments. I let Steele get to me. Which was a mistake. As I said in my last comment, it was my mistake for letting grief get to me. And I would like to perhaps once again apologize. For being a twat. Even though I was right, I should've been nicer about it. And not started trying to start a fight.

Grief. For those of you who don't know. Emma(Shrodinger) died. She and I were close, considering we travelled together for a month. She was one of the three kindest, sweetest people I have ever met. The love she had for all of us was incredible. Hell, even the Messenger liked her.
I wish I had something eloquent and beautiful to say. She was so poetic, she deserves better than my fumbling prose. But she was a dear friend and I will miss her more than I can possibly say.

In other news, another chat log. Because as much as I want to sit around and mourn, I promised you all I would show you what I see. So I continue with the conversation we had when he decided to come rescue me.

[7/26/2011 1:58:48 AM] Morningstar: Getting drunk AGAIN?
[7/26/2011 1:59:33 AM] Elaine: I'm in a cage. Out there? A bedroom and a bathroom. That's all I have for the next week. Not to mention... Well, you know.
[7/26/2011 2:00:19 AM] Elaine: In any case, I DO NOT LIKE cages.
[7/26/2011 2:00:23 AM] Morningstar: Do you want OUT of the Cage?
[7/26/2011 2:00:49 AM] Elaine: Um. Yes? But there's not much I can do that wouldn't make me a fucking fugitive.
[7/26/2011 2:01:08 AM] Morningstar: Do you want me to come GET you out of the Cage?
[7/26/2011 2:01:36 AM] Elaine: Ah-can you do that? Without getting into trouble for not murdering me?"
[7/26/2011 2:01:54 AM] Morningstar: Yes. Easily. I can say I am trying to bait Sage.
[7/26/2011 2:02:39 AM] Elaine: Thank you.
[7/26/2011 2:02:48 AM] Elaine: So, why exactly are you willing to risk your ass to do this?
[7/26/2011 2:03:00 AM] Morningstar:  I dislike seeing you like this.
[7/26/2011 2:05:11 AM] Morningstar: So anyway. Elaine. Do you want me to "rescue" you or not?
[7/26/2011 2:05:22 AM] Elaine: Yes. If you can. That would be wonderful.
[7/26/2011 2:06:56 AM] Morningstar: I'll even give you a ride in the Killdozer Lainey. How does that sound?
[7/26/2011 2:07:13 AM] Elaine: Sounds fun.
[7/26/2011 2:07:45 AM] Elaine: The only problem is, I have no idea where the fuck I am. Austin's a big place, and we might've gone somewhere else entirely.
[7/26/2011 2:08:24 AM] Morningstar: We have Resources. It is a matter of using them effectively.
[7/26/2011 2:09:37 AM] Elaine: Like what...
[7/26/2011 2:10:45 AM] Morningstar: Hmmm... I wonder if... MY GOD. I KNOW HOW TO FIND YOU LAINEY.
[7/26/2011 2:10:58 AM] Elaine: Wait. You do?
[7/26/2011 2:11:05 AM] Morningstar: Yes, I DO.
[7/26/2011 2:11:10 AM] Morningstar: It will take some time though.
[7/26/2011 2:11:19 AM] Elaine: How's that, then? Like I said, I don't even know where I am.
[7/26/2011 2:11:28 AM] Morningstar: Trust Me.
[7/26/2011 2:11:46 AM] Elaine: What, did you stick a tracking device on me at the wedding or when you jumped me?

[7/26/2011 2:12:05 AM] Elaine: I... thanks. And... Um. Make it look like you're taking me hostage or something? Otherwise I might get arrested later.
[7/26/2011 2:12:20 AM] Morningstar: Well OBVIOUSLY. My Slender-Tracker. That I got from the Slendermobile inside my Slendercave. No. Not a tracking device.
[7/26/2011 2:12:42 AM] Morningstar: Of course you will be my hostage.
[7/26/2011 2:12:47 AM] Elaine: Heh, that would be pretty sweet
[7/26/2011 2:12:51 AM] Morningstar: We Do actually have a Slendercave.
[7/26/2011 2:13:03 AM] Morningstar: Several.
[7/26/2011 2:13:08 AM] Elaine: Um.  What.
[7/26/2011 2:13:46 AM] Morningstar: Of course. We are well funded and have lots of Flamboyant Rich Maniacs
[7/26/2011 2:14:16 AM] Elaine: Fair enough
[7/26/2011 2:14:25 AM] Elaine: You mean like that Rhodes douchecanoe?
[7/26/2011 2:14:37 AM] Morningstar: Sort of. Most are more competent.
[7/26/2011 2:14:51 AM] Elaine: Ooooh, fair enough.

Let Me Show You

I want to show you all what I see. Because giving you a sweeping overview isn't the same as showing you conversations, interactions that we had that made me trust him, made me care.

This was the first point where I started really trusting him. An IM conversation from the night after Cam died. He messaged me.  We'd been talking for a couple weeks, but the fact that he messaged me to comfort me? That was the point right there where he became a dear friend instead of just someone I talked to.

[7/24/2011 4:57:37 AM] Morningstar: Do you think that there is an afterlife. For good people?
[7/24/2011 4:58:21 AM] Elaine: No. I'd like to think there is, but... no. God and the afterlife are just fairy tales we tell ourselves to try and keep from being afraid of the dark.
[7/24/2011 4:58:57 AM] Morningstar: I see.
[7/24/2011 5:01:05 AM] Morningstar: I believe... With all my heart, mind and soul... That there is a life after death. And that Cam is there... With the few others worthy of going to Paradise.
[7/24/2011 5:02:18 AM] Elaine: You believe in heaven? Not to be rude... but how could someone do what you do and believe in heaven and hell?
[7/24/2011 5:03:00 AM] Morningstar: It feels right to me. I can tell when things do not feel right. "Father"...
[7/24/2011 5:03:19 AM] Morningstar: Morningstar says Father with a hint of hate
[7/24/2011 5:03:26 AM] Morningstar: ... For example.
[7/24/2011 5:03:39 AM] Morningstar: But Heaven has always felt different to me.
[7/24/2011 5:03:44 AM] Elaine: Then why...
[7/24/2011 5:04:28 AM] Morningstar: When I read about it, hear of it... I believe it. Despite logic telling me otherwise. I know it to be true, without any evidence. And that is strangely... All the evidence I need.
[7/24/2011 5:04:45 AM] Morningstar: I will never go there of course.
[7/24/2011 5:05:34 AM] Elaine: I wish I had your faith. But I can't. I just can't. Not after... But um. Thank you.
[7/24/2011 5:05:48 AM] Elaine: I fucking hope you're right.
[7/24/2011 5:05:54 AM] Morningstar: I know I am right.
[7/24/2011 5:06:11 AM] Morningstar: Nevertheless. Vengeance is required.
[7/24/2011 5:06:19 AM] Elaine: Yes. Of course.
[7/24/2011 5:07:03 AM] Elaine: Your side... enhanced him, so it won't be easy. But I'll do it if it kills me. And yes that's the only time you'll ever hear those words out of my mouth.
[7/24/2011 5:07:37 AM] Morningstar: If he so much as scratches you, I am going to send him to hell myself.
[7/24/2011 5:07:59 AM] Elaine:  Thanks.
[7/24/2011 5:08:27 AM | Edited 5:08:36 AM] Morningstar: Much as part of me wants to. I cannot kill you, or let you be killed.
[7/24/2011 5:08:40 AM] Elaine:  Yeah. Same here.
[7/24/2011 5:09:07 AM] Morningstar: Kindness is a rare thing, I have found.
[7/24/2011 5:09:37 AM] Elaine: Yeah. Cam was... He was unique.
[7/24/2011 5:09:59 AM] Elaine: He knew. About me? What I am. He didn't care.
[7/24/2011 5:10:29 AM] Morningstar: Indeed. Naive. Stupid. A complete moron when it comes to the ways of the world. That is obvious. But he was more worthy of living than you or I. Especially Me.
[7/24/2011 5:10:58 AM] Elaine: Don't kid yourself, I'm as big a monster as you. Maybe more, because I trick so many of them into thinking I'm not.
[7/24/2011 5:11:32 AM] Morningstar: No. You are a better monster. More effective. But not as evil.
[7/24/2011 5:11:43 AM] Elaine: Heh, thanks.
[7/24/2011 5:12:05 AM] Morningstar: This does not mean I cannot kick your ass if I wanted to, mind you.
[7/24/2011 5:12:16 AM] Elaine: But you don't know the first thing about my past to make that value judgement.
[7/24/2011 5:12:27 AM] Elaine:  Right.
[7/24/2011 5:12:37 AM] Elaine: We're a lot more alike than you think.
[7/24/2011 5:12:46 AM] Morningstar: Sadly. Cam reminded me of...
[7/24/2011 5:12:59 AM] Elaine: Of?
[7/24/2011 5:13:24 AM] Elaine: Of who?
[7/24/2011 5:13:33 AM] Morningstar: My... Brother.
[7/24/2011 5:13:48 AM] Morningstar: The same naive stupidity.
[7/24/2011 5:14:40 AM] Elaine: What... what really happened? If you don't want to answer, you don't have to. But...I'll trade you a story for a story.
[7/24/2011 5:15:06 AM] Morningstar: What happened with my brother? You mean his death? Or his life?
[7/24/2011 5:15:19 AM] Elaine: The two seem like they would go together.
[7/24/2011 5:16:09 AM] Morningstar: He was the favorite. Obviously. Suffered none of the indignities I faced. Never scolded, babied... Got everything he ever wanted.
[7/24/2011 5:16:51 AM] Morningstar: Yet. He was seemingly the first person who did not consider me trash.
[7/24/2011 5:16:58 AM] Morningstar: Brothers after all.
[7/24/2011 5:17:32 AM] Morningstar: Of course, the few times he tried to do anything to improve my situation, I was punished for it.
[7/24/2011 5:17:40 AM] Elaine: Ouch
[7/24/2011 5:18:08 AM] Morningstar: He was something of an out-doors lover as well. Hated being cooped up in his room.
[7/24/2011 5:18:32 AM] Morningstar: So I had to serve as a "Protector" when Mother and Father were too busy.
[7/24/2011 5:18:40 AM] Elaine: Mhm
[7/24/2011 5:19:45 AM] Morningstar: And then one day, after a beating and a scolding, I witnessed him get a new present. A Boat thing. To play with in the nearby lake.
[7/24/2011 5:20:01 AM] Elaine: ...
[7/24/2011 5:20:30 AM] Morningstar: And then my first murder happened. And to this day, the only one I really regret.
[7/24/2011 5:20:49 AM] Elaine: Did you do it on purpose?
[7/24/2011 5:21:06 AM] Morningstar: Yes. And No.
[7/24/2011 5:21:20 AM | Edited 5:21:29 AM] Morningstar: Anger is a terrible thing.
[7/24/2011 5:21:31 AM] Elaine: Ah. That I can understand.
[7/24/2011 5:22:10 AM] Morningstar: I remember my unhappiness. Then I remember watching the light leave his eyes.
[7/24/2011 5:22:31 AM] Morningstar: And I broke that stupid boat too.
[7/24/2011 5:22:49 AM] Elaine: I'm sorry.
[7/24/2011 5:23:09 AM] Morningstar: You are the only one.
[7/24/2011 5:23:32 AM] Elaine: Like I said. We're more alike than you think.
[7/24/2011 5:23:53 AM] Morningstar: Perhaps. Your turn.
[7/24/2011 5:25:53 AM] Elaine: I'll admit right now, when I was little I had everything. My parents were well off, and they spoiled me. For eight years I was the picture of a happy child. And then things changed
[7/24/2011 5:27:25 AM] Elaine: I was told later that I was a sociopath, that I had multiple personalities. Some people never did believe what really happened. But kids started disappearing, and they were all kids that I wasn't exactly happy with. I still remember some of them, whatever people have told me.
[7/24/2011 5:28:50 AM] Elaine: My parents never believed it was me. Until they did. And then they were gone too. It's strange. I don't... I don't remember them at all. But they found me with the bodies all the same. That's how I ended up getting Prosper after me. They sent me to an asylum. Because ten year old girls don't just kill their parents.
[7/24/2011 5:29:17 AM] Elaine: As it turns out, that asylum has Prosper working for it. And he's going after everyone he knew while he worked there.
[7/24/2011 5:29:38 AM] Elaine: So, It's pretty directly my fault that Cam's dead. And I can't tell anyone.
[7/24/2011 5:29:47 AM] Morningstar: Who is Prosper? Really.
[7/24/2011 5:29:48 AM] Elaine: Because WHAT WOULD THEY SAY?
[7/24/2011 5:30:14 AM] Elaine: He used to be an orderly. I don't know what happened since then. I just know he showed up and started taunting Shady.
[7/24/2011 5:31:19 AM] Morningstar: I am sorry. I truly am.
[7/24/2011 5:31:22 AM] Elaine: So, you could've been right all along.
[7/24/2011 5:31:52 AM] Elaine: Maybe I am just a sociopath.
[7/24/2011 5:32:08 AM] Morningstar: You aren't. I am sure of that.
[7/24/2011 5:32:21 AM] Elaine: Thanks.
[7/24/2011 5:32:41 AM] Morningstar: Prosper will pay. Dearly.
[7/24/2011 5:33:16 AM] Elaine: Definitely.
[7/24/2011 5:33:39 AM] Morningstar: I will do what... I can... To help.
[7/24/2011 5:34:02 AM] Elaine: That... thank you.
[7/24/2011 5:35:11 AM] Morningstar: Hahaha. Strange. Becoming a Slave to Him has lead to me gaining... A Friend.
[7/24/2011 5:36:11 AM] Elaine: I wish there was something I could do... about the slave bit. The friend bit I'm pretty happy with.
[7/24/2011 5:36:41 AM] Morningstar: I chose the Slave bit. He is a better "Father" than my actual Father after all.
[7/24/2011 5:37:06 AM] Elaine: That doesn't make him a good one. And I don't want to see you killed because of a poor career choice.
[7/24/2011 5:37:40 AM] Morningstar: It does make him better. He is a lot better than most humans I have met. Most.
[7/24/2011 5:38:09 AM] Elaine: You deserved a lot better than you got. You know that, right?
[7/24/2011 5:38:37 AM] Morningstar: Doubtful.
[7/24/2011 5:39:26 AM] Elaine:  No, but just think about it for a moment. Imagine how different this all could've turned out if you hadn't had slime for parents.
[7/24/2011 5:39:59 AM] Morningstar: You'll have to forgive me. That is a bit hard for me to imagine.
[7/24/2011 5:40:19 AM] Elaine: I guess that's fair.
[7/24/2011 5:40:32 AM] Morningstar: In a way... I think you have had it far worse than me.
[7/24/2011 5:40:46 AM] Elaine:  Heh. How do you figure?
[7/24/2011 5:40:58 AM] Morningstar: You know what you lost. I have no idea what I have never had.
[7/24/2011 5:41:16 AM] Morningstar: Makes it easier I guess.
[7/24/2011 5:42:51 AM] Elaine: I... I still wish you would've had the chance. Even for just a little while. To know what it is to really be loved like that. To have a family.
[7/24/2011 5:43:39 AM] Morningstar: Perhaps. Might have been nice for a while. But I can't help but feel I deserved this somehow. Or that it was Fated.
[7/24/2011 5:44:53 AM] Elaine: You deserve happiness a lot more than most people. And if that's fate, then whoever's pulling the strings up there is a douchebag.
[7/24/2011 5:45:34 AM] Morningstar: I certainly don't deserve happiness at this point.
[7/24/2011 5:46:40 AM] Elaine: And you think I do? You never had a fair shot. I screwed up the one I had.
[7/24/2011 5:47:46 AM] Morningstar: Well. I think about the time I severed an infants head, lit it on fire and played baseball with it, I began to live up to expectations.
[7/24/2011 5:48:01 AM] Morningstar: Wonder if Mother and Father are proud of me.
[7/24/2011 5:48:30 AM] Elaine: Um. That was... I've done shit like that too...
[7/24/2011 5:48:52 AM] Morningstar: No... Probably not. My recent fuck-ups would probably have earned me a nice beating.
[7/24/2011 5:49:42 AM] Elaine: They were douchebags and they're better off gone. They don't have to matter anymore.
[7/24/2011 5:50:46 AM] Morningstar: Yet they do. I am living proof of their work. Lots of Scars serve as reminders. It's lovely.
[7/24/2011 5:51:42 AM] Morningstar: On the plus side, thanks to them, I can take a beating that would kill lesser men.
[7/24/2011 5:51:53 AM] Elaine: That's not...
[7/24/2011 5:51:58 AM] Elaine: I'm sorry.
[7/24/2011 5:52:17 AM] Morningstar: As I said. You are the only one.
[7/24/2011 5:52:32 AM] Elaine: Well then I'm damn glad I'm here.
[7/24/2011 5:53:10 AM] Morningstar: I doubt your boyfriend is sorry. I somewhat doubt he would even give a damn about my past.
[7/24/2011 5:53:43 AM] Elaine: I honestly don't know. He might. But I think the whole trying to kill his friends thing made you a bit of a blind spot.
[7/24/2011 5:54:09 AM] Elaine: I dunno. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother keeping up appearances.
[7/24/2011 5:55:04 AM] Morningstar: There is about no reason. It is kind odd though. I try to kill you and your friends, and you don't mind. I try to kill Sage's, and suddenly we are mortal enemies.
[7/24/2011 5:58:00 AM] Elaine: I keep up appearances because they're the only allies I have, and no offense, I don't fancy my odds on your side. Plus... I want to be better. It's insane and pointless, but I don't WANT to be a killer for the rest of my life. It's a bit too late for that, I guess. As for the rest, if you actually made a serious attempt on one of the few people I cared about, before you became one of them? We wouldn't be here right now.But you never really did. I can't blame him for being protective of his friends. So long as he doesn't try to kill you, there's no real conflict. He lets me do my own thing when you're involved.
[7/24/2011 5:58:12 AM] Elaine: Lets me is the wrong word. He doesn't mind if I do my own thing.
[7/24/2011 5:58:28 AM] Elaine: That makes it sound worse than it is.
[7/24/2011 5:58:57 AM] Morningstar: Hehehe. Do you really love him?
[7/24/2011 5:59:34 AM] Elaine: Love him? No. But I could. We've barely known each other for a month. You know enough of my history to know why I wouldn't let that happen.
[7/24/2011 5:59:57 AM] Morningstar: I didn't think so. You want to avoid hurting him?
[7/24/2011 6:00:41 AM] Elaine: That too. But mostly I'll be damned if I put myself in a position where someone can hurt ME like Mark did. I made sure he never would again, I'm not about to let anyone else do the same.
[7/24/2011 6:01:01 AM] Elaine: Not that I think he would, but... It's better to be safe.
[7/24/2011 6:01:27 AM] Morningstar: Understood. You know you are going to destroy him when the truth comes out, right?
[7/24/2011 6:02:33 AM] Elaine: I don't see any reason that it should come out. If that changes, I'll tell him myself. It's not like he instantly gets the right to know everything about me because we went on a date.
[7/24/2011 6:02:58 AM] Morningstar: The truth always comes out sooner or later.
[7/24/2011 6:03:18 AM] Elaine: I guess so. You going to keep trying to encourage it along?
[7/24/2011 6:03:27 AM] Morningstar: No.
[7/24/2011 6:03:41 AM] Elaine: Thank you.
[7/24/2011 6:03:52 AM] Morningstar: Frankly I don't give a damn about Sage in the least. But hurting him is hurting you.
[7/24/2011 6:04:07 AM] Elaine: As far as I know, you're the only one alive anymore that knows the truth. Other than me.
[7/24/2011 6:04:47 AM] Morningstar: What an honor. I can practically assure you I will not be alive much longer though.
[7/24/2011 6:05:01 AM] Elaine: Don't say that. We'll think of something.
[7/24/2011 6:05:16 AM] Morningstar: Death is the only way out.
[7/24/2011 6:05:55 AM] Elaine: I thought you were the one who believes in afterlifes. An eternity of torment doesn't really seem like an 'out'.
[7/24/2011 6:06:22 AM | Edited 6:06:28 AM] Morningstar: Out of the frying pan. Into the hellfire.
[7/24/2011 6:06:40 AM] Elaine: Yeah. That doesn't seem like an improvement.
[7/24/2011 6:06:50 AM] Morningstar: It won't be. But it is too late now.
[7/24/2011 6:07:20 AM] Elaine: There HAS to be something we can do.
[7/24/2011 6:08:02 AM] Morningstar: No. There does not have to be. Not everything is mortal. Killable. Beatable.
[7/24/2011 6:08:46 AM] Elaine: DAMMIT STAR I'M NOT GIVING UP ON YOU. I'm not losing you too. Not now.
[7/24/2011 6:09:21 AM] Morningstar: No. Not now. In the coming weeks... Perhaps.
[7/24/2011 6:10:12 AM] Elaine: No. We're going to think of something becase I'm a selfish cunt who refuses to give up another friend so soon after Cam. You understand?
[7/24/2011 6:11:20 AM] Morningstar: Hahaha. Careful Lainey. You may be starting to forget priority number one. Your Survival.
[7/24/2011 6:12:48 AM |Elaine: Fuck survival. I have a list. It's a very small list. It has everyone whom I would actually risk my life to protect. Cam's name was on it. So is yours.
[7/24/2011 6:13:14 AM] Elaine: Everyone else can go fuck themselves, but the people on the list are my priority.
[7/24/2011 6:13:40 AM] Morningstar: Ha. Sadly, the people on that list have their own lists. Guess who's name is on them?
[7/24/2011 6:14:15 AM] Morningstar: I am certain Cam is happy it was him and not you or Jake.
[7/24/2011 6:15:37 AM] Elaine: Yeah, well, from what I can tell he never woke up to be happy about it. I've wasted my second chance. And my third. Everyone on my list deserves another chance more than I.
[7/24/2011 6:16:25 AM] Morningstar: You have not murdered infants and decorated their cribs with their entrails.
[7/24/2011 6:17:39 AM] Elaine: No, but I have murdered kids only a few years older than that.  I started kiling before I hit puberty. YEARS before I hit puberty. I've done a lot of bad things since then. I CONTINUE to do bad things, because apparently that's all I'm really good for.
[7/24/2011 6:18:17 AM] Morningstar: Yet you also do good things. Unlike myself.
[7/24/2011 6:18:47 AM] Elaine: Yep. I do plenty of good. Which will all be undone when they find out the truth about me.
[7/24/2011 6:20:59 AM] Elaine: This is it, I have to go. I hope I survive to see you again, Star.
[7/24/2011 6:21:36 AM] Morningstar: You will. And when you do, I am afraid I am going to have to kick your ass for making me get all weepy.
[7/24/2011 6:21:59 AM] Elaine: Of course. G'bye Star.
[7/24/2011 6:22:06 AM] Morningstar: Goodbye.

Happy Birthday to Me?

I'm not entirely sure how, but August found out that yesterday was my birthday. I'm twenty four. I didn't much feel like celebrating.

I'd honestly hoped I could get by without people knowing. The only people other than me who should have known were Cam and Jake, and they're not exactly around to tell people about it. I don't... Cam always made a big deal about it. Every year, no matter where I was, where he was, he'd make sure to do everything he could to make my birthday special. Even when he didn't know where I was, he'd call me and keep me on the phone for hours, talking to me and trying to brighten my day. I... My birthday was always the day I spent with him. So, I kind of hoped to forget it this year.

But. August threw a party. And it was all of us here at the house, and there was enough food to feed a family for a week and he was just so pleased with it. I couldn't say no. And it... it almost felt nice. Even with Doc drinking two feet from me and making me ache with the need for a glass. Because it almost felt like being part of a family again.

Of course, it didn't last. We hadn't even gotten past August's appetizers when Spencer bolted. I followed. We both saw something. I... I don't want to talk about it.

August, I'm sorry we ruined your dinner. It was delicious, I just...
I need to be alone for a while. You know where to find me if you need me.

Visiting

Throwing up a quick post to let all of you know that Shrody and I are safe at TMV's house.

Those of you who read Shrody's blog will know about what happened. On the bright side, we have a kitten. A tiny adorable kitten named Frank who makes our lives so much more interesting and whom I've admittedly been spoiling rotten. It's... it's her story to tell, really, but I wish there was something I could've done.

Again, I think being in the company of someone other than me is doing her some good. I'm unfortunately not the cheeriest of traveling companions, but Ro's been really sweet to us both, and he seems really fond of Frank. Which is nice, because I would've hated to come all this way only to leave because his house wasn't cat friendly.

In any event, I should go. I wanted to chat with him tonight, to thank him for having us.

Keep Moving

That's the plan, anyway. We left NYC yesterday,after saying a fond farewell to Rachael. It was nice, staying with her, rather peaceful, but the longer we stayed there the more danger we were all in, from her and from all the things chasing me.

So we're off, to visit another friend. Again, not telling you lot where I'm headed, I don't want an unpleasant surprise when I get there, and the person I'm visiting would definitely not thank me for bringing down a storm of proxies on their home. Suffice it to say that I am going to see a friend who's got more information that could be useful.

I'm starting my work back again. I'd been slacking, hadn't really done any research and I've only read one or two new blogs in the past several weeks. Fuck that shit. I've been wallowing too damn long. It's time to start fighting properly again, instead of just getting by.

I have a goal, one that is hard but definitely possible, and I'm doing everything in my fucking power to make sure I achieve it.

In the meantime, I have something Spencer gave Cam that I have the permission to post and discuss. Expect to see that within the next couple days, as soon as we stay someplace with a scanner. I have a couple of other topics that I'm planning research posts on within the next week or so as well.

I'm not going to roll over and fucking die because of all of this. Cam made it pretty clear he wanted me to live.

Back in Town

I'm in NYC, and it's beautiful and huge and bustling, just like I remember. The drive from Texas was hell, but I got here a day early and ended up able to spend yesterday with Spence, taking in the city almost like just another tourist. There was some craziness the previous night, and he came by to check on me, then ended up sticking for a while. He's a good friend. The two of us spent the day talking and remembering.  It was... it was nice. I needed that. It felt like I was finally getting a chance to say goodbye.

This was Cam's home, every time I've been here was with him. There's too much of him everywhere, he loved this city, loved showing it off to me in the hopes of making me smile for real. He's always been very good at that-I guess that's what happens when you've known someone for twenty years. Sure, he wasn't actually able to be physically with me for a lot of it, but he never let me fall out of touch, never let me ditch him. I think most of you thought that I met him when we started rooming together, we tended to encourage that belief, but that was not quite the truth. I never... I never bothered setting the record straight because I didn't think it mattered, but we were kids together, before he moved here. After shit hit the fan with me, he consistently wrecked his own life to be there when I needed him. No matter where I was or what trouble I'd gotten into, he was always there wanting to help. He deserves for you to know that.

The only reason I came here, to this city with all it's pain and memories and beauty, was two people I needed to see. The first, Shrodinger, I picked up rather early this morning. She really is that sweet, even desperate, looking like death, and missing a hand. She put up the request for a rescue a week ago and I got in touch, because like HELL was I leaving her to deal with this Cheshire bastard alone anymore. Didn't want to linger long there, so I just picked her and her stuff up and got the fuck out of there before something could show up and try to stop us.

We then proceeded to Rachael's house. Normally I would not go into the home of a proxy when seeking someplace vaguely resembling safe to rest and plan my next move, but she's a bit of a special case these days, and as much as I feel like a bitch saying so, physically she's not exactly a threat, so if it comes to that, I'm not too worried. She says she's pretty good at dealing with the 'itch' as she calls it and can give us warning if we need to get out, so I'm hoping that I'm just worrying too much.

I don't know what exactly I expected, really, but it wasn't her, in this cheerful, if a little dark and dusty, home. She looks to be in her thirties and absolutely beautiful, though everything about her is sad enough to break your heart. She swooped in and started mothering Shrodinger from the moment we arrived, and I've admittedly done a lot of awkward hovering and trying to help. She is so infinitely kind to us both, it kind of throws any expectations out the window. It's nice, really. I'm hoping our stop here will help Kat a little, and maybe I'll get lucky and it'll help me as well.

Supernatural Weirdness

So, I've been with Nick, traveling around more or less aimlessly, since all of the bullshit on Friday. I didn't... I feel like an asshole for not noticing before, though Nick assures me that it was some kind of mindwhammy that kept me from noticing until it is over. He's been missing. Not in the physical sense, he was still here to move and eat and occasionally say something, but in the mental/spiritual/whatever sense. He was a little busy fighting a hoard of knights riding unicorns, and fuck if that isn't the weirdest thing I've ever had to accept as reality, even with fucking shared dreams and faceless stalkers and teleporting murderers.

Okay, sometimes having a lover that half exists on a plane of existence that makes no damn sense to you is a little frustrating. Here, though, it's mostly just terrifying. That's six days. Six days, he was gone, and I didn't fucking notice because a UNICORN was screwing with my head? What the crap is that? I've been functionally alone for six days. I almost lost him, and I didn't even fucking know about it till it was over because he was still there and breathing and seeming fine. Still curling up with me at night. Still...

Well, fuck. Anyway, he's here now. And I... I'm going to go enjoy his company while I have it.

Back to Work

I'm sorry about last night's post. Yesterday was bad.

When I escaped Star's diabolical plans, instead of heading straight out of town like I said I would, I went back to the apartment. I needed my notes, my money, some clothes, and the things Cam left for me. A pile of letters and a notebook.

The idiot made one of THOSE notebooks. And I never knew. Hidden in the blank pages is a pretty accurate picture of... of how he died. He definitely drew it. I... I don't know when he did, but he knew. He fucking knew. What the fuck is this? Apparently he was never as Slendyfree as he said he was. I just don't understand why he lied.

While waiting for Nick at the apartment, I started talking to Shaun, and he...I dunno, he went fucking nuts and started freaking out about how I wasn't safe. I didn't know what else to do, so I ran. Six blocks faster than I've bugged out in a long time. Found myself at the cemetery. Got to see Cam one last time before I left town...

That was where Nick met me. I was an absolute mess, I'll admit it. I was lucky that it was deserted that morning. Not many people want to visit a graveyard on a bright, hot morning. The rest of the day was spent alternately doing things like setting up a meeting with August and Spencer and selling the car and randomly breaking down on poor Nick. I'm not proud of it, but I had my one day. I let myself grieve for one day. I gave an entire day to the fear and misery and desperation.

No more. I've got work to do if I want to help those of you who need my help. I don't have time for tears and crying.

August, Spencer, I'm sorry you had to see me like that yesterday. Dinner went badly, and a lot of that is my fault. Thank you for all of your help.