Death and Hospitals

Before I do anything else, I want to remember Morningstar.

Look, I know a lot of you never liked him, never trusted him. A lot of you were convinced he'd never change. Some of you were convinced that even if he did, he needed to die for his crimes.

Those people clearly never saw him like I did.

He had a big reputation, considering his knack for cartoonish violence and his... interesting eating habits. And, you know, I'm not going to bother arguing about that. Because, yeah, he was bad. He was pretty terrible. He killed a lot of people, did a lot of terrible things.

But, we've all seen the difference now. The clear distinction between Star being free and Star as a hallowed. The evidence is right there on the blog. The creativity, the personality? That was always him. The cruelty, the lack of regard for people? That was not.

So, for the record. The Star that killed people by tying them to railroad tracks or trapping them in mazes of death? That's not the man I'm mourning today.

The Star I'm mourning is the one I introduced you all to. The one who held me while I cried. The one who risked everything to get me out of a bad situation, the one who gave up everything he had to try and find a way to live as a runner.
The Star who still cried about his brother, and who never stopped hurting and doubting himself after the abuse of his parents.
The Star who loved hugs and who hated to see me hurt, and who was such a complete softie that he literally tucked me in and sat by my bedside, that last day, because he saw the pain I was in.
I loved him like the brother I lost so long ago. I just wanted to keep him safe, to give him the chance to chose for himself for the first time in his entire fucking life.
I had hoped that even if he died from this, he would die a free man.

It seems that thanks to a certain proxy in denial, this was not to be. Mitch, I can't bring myself to wish horrible tortures on you, because those are inevitable now. Know that by succumbing to this you have failed Ryuu, your family, and yourself. Know that being robbed of that kill will haunt you for the rest of your life-as short as that will be, now, even without my interference, and that I rejoice in that fact.
I will not waste my time seeking revenge, because that won't bring him back. He wouldn't want me to, and so I will respect that. But I will dance on your grave when you meet your inevitable horrible fate.



That said, I'm out of the hospital now-though that was a story that I owe it to you all to share.

Considering the events of the past few days-and my complete inability to share them with non-Stalked in a way that makes sense, the doctors have become increasingly suspicious of my mental health. After all, I've spent the past month and change at the mercy of my kidnapper/rapist, right? (And yes, that's what they think happened with Jake and I'm certainly not going to tell them the truth).
I've been doing what I can to convince them otherwise, but that's very difficult when you're terrified and grieving.
Yesterday after the news about Konaa I flipped so much shit I... may have punched a nurse that came to check on me. Not hard enough to do any damage, but hard enough to scare her.
They sedated me. Knocked me right the fuck out. After I specifically informed them on day one that I didn't care what they had to do, I would be awake for it. Refused to sign anything that gave them the right to do so.
This morning they made me go through a psych evaluation-they were trying to get me sent to the psychiatric ward for my trauma.
I passed the evaluation with flying colors, then proceeded to make a huge stink about patients rights and legality and how I had just gotten the news that my dear friend had died and it was simply purely reasonable grief that I had been suffering and how they were all assholes that I was going to sue the pants off of if they did not discharge me.
Funny, it took maaaaybe two hours after that before I was walking out the door.

So, I'm on the road again, this time with a specific destination in mind. No more mad wandering, no more letting fear get the best of me. Shaun's right. I have to live. For all of them that aren't anymore.

Holy Fuck, Please No

I'm still in the hospital. Recovering. They're talking about letting me out soon. Which is nice, and I'll be glad for that.

But. Priorities.

Mitch has Star. Mitch has Star and she's going to kill him and I'm stuck in a hospital bed unable to do anything but beg. I'm. I'm begging you for help. Anyone who can see this. Nick? TMV? She likes you, she listens to you. Please, just... anyone who might be able to get through to her, please. Say something. Talk to her. Help me help him. Please. He's gone mad but there's no saying he'll never be able to come back. Please.

He's just a kid, guys. Please help me help him.

Mitch, if you're reading this. I'm begging you, please. Don't do this.

A Visit

As much as I hesitate to do it, I am trying to stop and catch a couple hours of sleep every night. I thought I was being pretty damn secretive about my location, especially considering even I wasn't sure where I was going. I was just... going. Just driving to drive. Theoretically, no one should have been able to predict where I was going because I didn't have the slightest clue where I was going from day to day.

And yet, last night there was a knock on our door. I literally dropped my laptop in shock. When I looked through the peephole, even more shock kicked in. It was David. Ronan's David. The same David who gave me this lovely scar on my shoulder I need to find the time to get a tattoo for. The same one that killed Donovan's family and kidnapped and tortured Dia. And he just knocked pleasantly on my hotel room door. The thing that everyone mentions to the point that it gets repetitive is how normal he looks.
It's jarring. To look at this pleasant, smiling middle aged man and remember all of the terrible things he's done. Even worse when you're running on little to no sleep for a week solid and you've got basically dead weight to protect asleep in the bed, and you're wondering what the fuck he wants to do to you both.

I didn't answer. He proceeded to inform me through the door that he knew I was in there and that if I didn't let him in, he'd have to force it, and that would be unfortunate for us both. He asserted he just wanted to talk to me and would prefer to keep it that way. I've seen how he fights, I know what he can do if he so desires. So, I opened the door, knives ready, just in case.
And, strangely, he really did just want to chat.

Apparently, I left him a scar and somehow that translates to instant respect from David. I'm not sure I get it, but maybe I would if anyone I'd respected had ever left me a scar. With, I suppose the possible exception of David himself. I don't like him or what he does, but I have to respect him and his abilities.
We actually had a pretty pleasant chat, even the part where he tried to convince me to sleep with him. He took my no quite gracefully and continued the conversation.

He's seemingly picked me as someone who's approved by him to be TMV's friend. According to him, he doesn't want to leave him friendless, just remove the ones who are 'bad for him'. Ugh. I'm almost tempted to cut contact with TMV just to be contrary. I really don't like the way he said that.
Of course, I won't though, because it might be some help for TMV to know he has at least one friend who's not in immediate danger of getting tortured or murdered by David.

He left after a little while, but came back to inform me that he'd caught Jake skulking outside my room. Perhaps it was bad of me, but I let David take him. He'd apparently threatened TMV. To David's face. He was in a rage and I knew just by looking at him it'd take a fight to get him away from him. Call me crazy, but I wasn't about to risk Star's and my life for Jake. Especially after I talked David into leaving him alive and more or less intact. 'So he could defend himself when I went after him for what he'd done.'
So David's got Jake. No idea what he'll do.

In any event, I really need to get moving again. If David and Jake can find me, so can others.

Not Quite So Incompetant

Got an email from Jake just a few minutes ago.

Elaine-

Before I left Austin to go looking for you I paid a visit to someone you might remember. Reggie, your old boss? The one you liked? I'd planned on saving these and sending them to you with pictures of the rest of your little friends, but I figure it's best I send these on to give you a taste.

Jake


Attached were several pictures of Reggie and his boyfriend. Dead.

Neither of them would've had any clue where I was. That was for no other reason than to throw me.

What the fuck, Jake? I didn't think you were that much of a sick fuck. You'll pay for that. They deserved better.

I'm in shock

An Alternate Point of View

I didn't hack the blog. For those of you who have actually read this whole account you'll know that I have the password because Cam gave it to me. For whatever reason, Elaine hasn't changed it yet.
Yes, hello, this is Jake. Seems Elaine has a lot more of a following these days. All due to her lies and deception, no doubt.
Yes, I know the truth about the woman you all know and love. This woman you work with so closely, trust with your secrets, trust to work for the good of the runners. And I'm more than happy to share the truth with all of you. But first, so that you know why I'm telling you all of this, some background on me.

I met Cam four years ago, when we were both in school. I was taking my leave from the Army for school, and we met in a class. I probably never would've even had the chance to talk to him, except he ended up my lab partner. I'd never actually dated a man before, though I'd had encounters of more physical kinds, but Cam was so sweet and so good that I fell for him hard. He seemed to reciprocate, judging by the glances and smiles and blushes, but he refused any and all offers of dinner or movies or coffee.
He rushed home after class every day, to sit alone by the phone. The semester was almost over by the time I figured out why. One day his phone rang in the middle of lecture and he looked at it and ran out of the room. Got himself into a lot of trouble in the doing.
He was missing in class for a week. When he came back, he was exhausted and falling asleep all over our work, but beaming. And then he told me about Elaine. Not much, of course not, so much of her is so secret. But. He told me about this friend from his childhood who was in trouble and needed a place to hide out for a few days. He let it slip that it was dangerous, but he didn't care. He was surprised when I called him on it, told him he shouldn't risk his life. He said that he had to look after Elaine, and that was that.
Even so, he invited me to have dinner with me that night. And thus we were dating.
He was always so soft and kind and innocent, so very in love with me and with Elaine, and he worked so hard to keep us getting along. He and I only really got serious when she went to jail and he didn't need to worry about her needing a place to stay at a moment's notice.
I was always acutely aware that no matter how much he loved me, how much I fought and begged to free him from her grasp, everything he was belonged to her first, and she never hesitated to make use of that. Ever.
The wedding was the first time he ever did anything for me before her.
But, because of her, it was wrecked.
Because of her, only a few days later I woke to find my lover bleeding out quietly on the bed next to me.
Because of her I chased a phantom out the door after he killed my husband.
Because of her I spent three weeks in a forest without end, hunted like an animal and getting ripped limb from limb every sunset.
Because of her I spent two weeks in a false heaven where my Cam was alive and Elaine wasn't there. She'd never existed and Cam was so much happier without her. Then that man showed up and tore me from my paradise to set me loose on the world.
Because Cam is dead and I need to set things right.

Let me clarify. I don't want to kill her. It might be nice to end her in such a visceral way, but the most important thing is for her to be exposed for what she is.

She is not some good, kind, noble woman. She's a killer. She killed for the first time when she was eight years old. The victim? Cam's twin brother, Joey. She then proceeded to kill fifteen people, mostly children, ending in her brother Lewis and her parents. The police found her hiding in Cam's closet. You can look it up, it made the national news. Her birth name was Melanie Brown, and it was back in New Jersey.
I don't know the details of those two years, Cam wouldn't tell me much, but I know she did it.
After that, I don't know much. She spent some time in an asylum, then ran away when she got out, but I know she was working for someone big and dangerous-possibly killing for them- when I met Cam. Of course, she went to jail for drugs, so it could have been just that.
All I do know is that she used Cam at every turn for his whole life. She shows no concern or remorse for people, she has no real feelings to speak of. Cam used to cry about 'his poor broken Elaine'.
There was nothing I could do.

I just want the woman who destroyed my Cam's life to see justice.