Another Friend I'll Probably Never Hear the End Of

So, with his encouragement, and out of a desire to stay honest with you lot, I'm going to just flat out say it. The Daniel I went to see has been given another name by "Joseph"- Moriarty

For obvious reasons, I wasn't even really allowed to know much of anything, and a lot of what I do know about his organization I don't agree with, but the two of us have gotten friendly and he wanted to make his pitch in person.

Upon making sure that Elliott and Em would be as safe as they could be, the three of us met him at one of his (apparently numerous) headquarters-a unassuming mid-sized skyscraper in a mid-sized city. We had a lot of fun, whatever I think of his practices, and I consider him a good man, if exceptionally misguided.
Again, not that I at all agree with his practices-as much as part of me wanted to see Fakestar taken out, I certainly don't support fucking killsquads.

He asked me to talk about his agenda, I think he's worried about what he's going to be taken as, considering his reputation with the killsquads and all. I'm not going to be a vehicle for his shit, but I will tell you that if you are a runner and he does offer you something, he's serious, and he definitely doesn't want to hurt you. Whatever his fucked up methods, he wants to help runners.

I like him as a person, I loathe what he's doing.  It's an unfortunate split, but not exactly one I'm not familiar with.

In any case, we're long gone now. Elliott's still  buried in his research, Em's still far too smart for her own good, and I'm still a dumbass.

The Story Continues

You've all seen the most recent issue with Jake. I'm sorry I haven't been posting much about what's actually going on, but the simple fact is that we're all just kind of waiting. We've done what we can, now we're waiting to see how well he deals with the rest. It's nervewracking, but nothing much to talk about. Instead, I want to give you another story. I mentioned already that the 'kidnapping' was actually a rescue. I mentioned also that he came in to talk to me. For obvious reasons this didn't get recorded, and it's been a while, but I'll retell it as best as I can

I wasn't honestly expecting much. Friend or no, Star was still Star, and therefore not used to having a friend. He had a job to do, and he was doing a damn good job of keeping me intact, though of course minor injuries were unavoidable and honestly I didn't mind the chance for a scrap now and again. I didn't exactly care about hurting them, and they weren't allowed to kill me or do anything that would do permanent damage. All part of the charade.
He was keeping me safe and getting me out. I couldn't ask for more than that.

I got it anyway, though.
It was Thursday morning. I'd been there for the better part of a day, and mostly they'd just left me in the room. Someone showed up at regular intervals to taunt me and leave me food, but for the most part they didn't even lay a hand on me-which had to be Star's doing. And then someone knocked

"Yeah?" I called. I probably sounded dead. I know I felt dead.

A muffled order, footsteps walking away. "Can I come in, Lainey?" He sounded gleeful. It was pretty obviously fake. I dared to hope.

I sighed dramatically. "If you must."

I heard the door unlock. He slipped inside, concern clear on his face as he locks the door. "... How are you holding up?"

"They're gone?" I raised an eyebrow.

He laughed a little. "I told Tiger to go walk Jack. This is a more difficult task than it seems..." He hesitated. "Anything you need?"

I couldn't keep my composure anymore. Didn't even bother trying. "Just. If you have a minute? Stay?"

"I shall stay as long as I can." He replied quietly, sitting down beside me.

I sag into him, grateful for the contact and comfort. "Thank you."

He seemed a little disconcerted, but hugged me. "It is what I am here for."

I nod. "You know you're the first friendly contact I've had in almost a week."

"Sad isn't it? Heh. Anything I can do to make you feel better?"

"You're already risking your life to help me." I reply, gratitude bleeding into my voice.

"My job is to attack scared cornered animals. I risk my life every time I leave my bed. Seriously. Anything I can do? Anything." He sounded almost amused at my concern

"... Just don't let go, alright? For a few minutes?" My voice cracked and my eyes were distinctly watery.

"Very Well..." he hugged me tighter.

And finally, for the first time since the police arrived at my apartment, I let myself cry. Probably made him horribly uncomfortable in the process, but I just cried into his shoulder. It was such a relief to have a friend, someone whose shoulder I could cry on, there, in person, to hug me.

He's not really used to that kind of emotion, though, and before long he spoke up, to defuse the awkward, I imagine. "You know... I am trying to find Prosper." he said quietly.

"I. Any luck?"

"None thus far... I am slightly under Prosper on the totem pole, unfortunately. Hence why he can do that... Weird teleporty shit." He sounded uncomfortable, though he made a valiant attempt to try and hide it."Yeah, I figured." I sniffed and wiped at my eyes, pulling away. "Thank you."

He nodded and frowned."I am sorry I am not more help."

"You got me out of there. That's help enough. And this..." A shaky laugh. "I needed this."

"Yet it is not enough... Hmmm... I wonder. Perhaps I could convince everyone to go kill off a random Runner in town somewhere. So you are not trapped in this room for a little while." He sounded thoughtful.

I smiled faintly. "That would be nice. If you think it's doable? I don't want to put you in any more danger than I already am"

"I have been doing this whole 'stalk and kill' bit for a few months now. I can simply tell them I need a break, and that they need to learn to kill without me barking orders." He sounded firm.

I smiled faintly. "Fair enough. It would be nice to get out of the room for a little while. Thank you."

"I shall send them off as soon as I can... Meaning when Jack and Tiger get back. Idiots.... Anything else I can do? What do you usually do when you feel bad?" He looked concerned, nervous. I probably still looked and sounded pretty dead.

I laughed. A real, genuine laugh. "I usually have sex. But somehow I don't think you'd be interested in that one."

He blushed, and suddenly I remembered that he was still barely more than a kid. It's so easy to forget how young he is. "Um. Er. Right. That is. Um. Awkward."

"I'll save that for when I get out of here and meet Nick." I told him with a smile.

"Right. Good. We should probably speed that up then. For your sake." He said with a sigh of relief. I couldn't help but grin at that.

"You'll hear no objections from me." I replied. "Though it is really good to see you."

"Yes indeed... Although... I really should get you back for the ending of our last encounter." It was clear he was teasing.

I raised an eyebrow. "I didn't lay a hand on you at the wedding.""No no. We barely saw each other at the wedding. I am talking about the time I tried to kill you."

"Oh. Right." I rolled my eyes. "You crashed the wedding. We're even."

"Hardly. The wedding would have been crashed with or without me interfering."

I shrug. "Maybe so. But Nee would've failed utterly and caused no damage if it weren't for you."

"Don't be too sure. In addition, if we did not show up, others would have."

I smiled, reading between the lines. Considering the epic failure at the wedding, I'd been suspecting that he'd flubbed it on purpose. The small smile he wore seemed to confirm it. "Okay, fair enough. But I don't think now is the time for that rematch..."

"No, of course not. But considering I am spending lots of time in here, I probably should... Well..." He looked embarrased and apologetic.

I met his eyes squarely. "... Do what you need to do." I sighed

"When I am ready to leave. Not before."

I nod and smile faintly.

"... I suppose I can allow you to hit me back or something, if it makes you feel better." That right there told me how much he was willing to do for me, as if the rest of this hadn't.

A shaky laugh. "Probably be better for you if I didn't."

"Pfft. Why." He looks almost offended. I think he thought I was calling him a wimp or something.

"Makes you look good?" I offered with a weak smile

"When have I ever cared about that?" He seemed amused.

"Well, I care about that." I told him firmly. "I don't want you getting hurt or killed because you don't have quite your old success rate anymore. The little things will help."

"My success rate remains the same." He replied, face unreadable. "And bruises do not affect this rate. Understand this. Father does not give a shit. The Command and my handlers DO."

"Yeah, but they can hurt you too, right? I'd hate to see you getting hallowed again." I'm not sure if my concern showed n my face, but it probably did. Star felt the need to reassure me, anyhow.

"Pfft. Just a hallowing. Nothing I cannot handle." He said looking away briefly to hide the terror on his face.

I put a hand on his shoulder. "You don't have to play tough for me. It's a scary thing."

"Doesn't make it less scary that they're trying to clear out your head though, I bet."
"Who is playing? Heh. I have been through it several times already. It is... Nothing." He sounded nervous. "It is less clearing your head then it is filling your head..."

"Eesh." I hugged him tighter. "Why do you put up with that?

"Because I have no other choice." His voice was carefully neutral

"You could leave?" I cleared my throat. This was the first time I'd really approached the subject with him directly. "I mean. What you do is your own business. But I hate to see them hurting you like this."

"They are the best chance for me to accomplish my goals." He replied firmly.

"What goals are those?" I asked, brow raised.

He looked awkward. "Um... Well. You know. I want to... stay alive?

"Because proxies live forever, right?" I sighed. "Like I said. You do what you want, but it might be smart to get out before they actually manage to find a way to make you a drone."

"And as a drone I would stay alive. Either way. I win." He smiled. "You lose because it wouldn't be you anymore." I tell him. "And why exactly is staying alive more important than your existence as a person?"

"Because it is my existence."

"I consider your existence quite important beyond that one thing, thank you. You're my friend and I want you safe and happy, dammit."

He laughed. "Safe? None of us are safe, none of us will EVER be safe. And Happiness? HA. Our joy will be brief and will disappear before the next tragedy."

"But it's better than never being happy at all." I reply firmly. "And okay, safe is kind of a joke these days. But I'd rather see us all die tomorrow free than have us lose ourselves to his mind control."

"Heh. Whatever you say."

I sigh. "Just think about it.""Maybe..."

I shrug.. "But here I am getting all sappy about people. I guess it's not any of my business

"It is fine. Ugh... So. Where will you go after Nick?" He seemed glad for the topic change

"New York. I'm meeting up with someone."

"It is still Proxy central up there... So be careful." Another concerned look from Star.

I nodded "I know. I'll be careful."

"You had better be...SO. Any clue where Jakey Boy ran off to?"

I sighed. "Not a one. Probably chased Prosper. No idea where he would've ended up."

"He is probably broken, you know." He is again carefully neutral.

"Probably." I agreed, feeling lost. "I'm just hoping this doesn't come back to bite me before I can find him."

"It will somehow, I fear..." The concern was bleeding though again.

I sighed again and sagged against him. "That's what I'm afraid of."

"Well don't be afraid." He replied, a careful arm going around me. "I am here to protect and assist you. From anything short of Father himself."

I smiled at him. "Thank you. Same to you. But I'll stand with you against the tall fucker himself if it comes to it."

He gave me a long look. "I would not allow that, I am afraid."

"Like you could stop me." I reply with a smirk.

He smirked back "Oh, I could. Make no mistake."

"You could try, anyway." I told him firmly.

One pale eyebrow went up. "Is that a challenge?"

"Possibly?" I shrug. "Hopefully it won't come to that"

He sighed "With luck... But when are we... You ever that lucky?"

A long pause. "... You're right. Fuck. Doesn't change my stand."

He laughs a little. "Stubborn."

The look I gave him was all challenge."Damn straight. You say that like it's a surprise."

Another laugh "Not a surprise. Just bothersome. Ha. Why do I even bother..."

And now I was curious. "Why do you even bother what?"

"... Taking care of.... Assisting you. Yes." He looked uncomfortable.
I shrug. "I dunno. That's a good question. Why do you? Not that I'm not grateful, mind."He shrugged back, looking fiercely uncomfortable. "Right. Well then. I should go get everyone out so you can leave this damn room."

I smiled. "Thank you again."

"It is what I am here for... And..." He visibly pulled back and punched me in the face, just hard enough to leave a bruise.

I swore but took it. Better a punch now than us both getting killed later.

"... And there we go. Feel free to hit back." He flashed me an apologetic look.

I pretended to think about it for a moment."Nah. But I wouldn't say no to getting a chance to go after Recluse... Creepy bitch."

He laughs. "I can send her in later, if you want to have a shot at her."

"I think I would enjoy that." I replied.

"Heh. You say that now. I can only stop her from killing you, not beating the ever loving shit out of you. Just a fair warning." More concern.

I shrugged it off and flashed him a cocky smile. "A knock down drag out fight sounds good. Get out some of this emotional bullshit."

He gave me a long look, then nodded. "As long as you don't mind to be on the receiving end of the asskicking... I shall send her in later tonight."

"Wonderful." I replied.

"Heh. Should be funny to watch." He headed for the door, but stopped just in front of it "... Stay strong Elaine. This will be over soon."

I nodded. "Thank you."

Not Quite So Incompetant

Got an email from Jake just a few minutes ago.

Elaine-

Before I left Austin to go looking for you I paid a visit to someone you might remember. Reggie, your old boss? The one you liked? I'd planned on saving these and sending them to you with pictures of the rest of your little friends, but I figure it's best I send these on to give you a taste.

Jake


Attached were several pictures of Reggie and his boyfriend. Dead.

Neither of them would've had any clue where I was. That was for no other reason than to throw me.

What the fuck, Jake? I didn't think you were that much of a sick fuck. You'll pay for that. They deserved better.

I'm in shock

Let Me Show You

I want to show you all what I see. Because giving you a sweeping overview isn't the same as showing you conversations, interactions that we had that made me trust him, made me care.

This was the first point where I started really trusting him. An IM conversation from the night after Cam died. He messaged me.  We'd been talking for a couple weeks, but the fact that he messaged me to comfort me? That was the point right there where he became a dear friend instead of just someone I talked to.

[7/24/2011 4:57:37 AM] Morningstar: Do you think that there is an afterlife. For good people?
[7/24/2011 4:58:21 AM] Elaine: No. I'd like to think there is, but... no. God and the afterlife are just fairy tales we tell ourselves to try and keep from being afraid of the dark.
[7/24/2011 4:58:57 AM] Morningstar: I see.
[7/24/2011 5:01:05 AM] Morningstar: I believe... With all my heart, mind and soul... That there is a life after death. And that Cam is there... With the few others worthy of going to Paradise.
[7/24/2011 5:02:18 AM] Elaine: You believe in heaven? Not to be rude... but how could someone do what you do and believe in heaven and hell?
[7/24/2011 5:03:00 AM] Morningstar: It feels right to me. I can tell when things do not feel right. "Father"...
[7/24/2011 5:03:19 AM] Morningstar: Morningstar says Father with a hint of hate
[7/24/2011 5:03:26 AM] Morningstar: ... For example.
[7/24/2011 5:03:39 AM] Morningstar: But Heaven has always felt different to me.
[7/24/2011 5:03:44 AM] Elaine: Then why...
[7/24/2011 5:04:28 AM] Morningstar: When I read about it, hear of it... I believe it. Despite logic telling me otherwise. I know it to be true, without any evidence. And that is strangely... All the evidence I need.
[7/24/2011 5:04:45 AM] Morningstar: I will never go there of course.
[7/24/2011 5:05:34 AM] Elaine: I wish I had your faith. But I can't. I just can't. Not after... But um. Thank you.
[7/24/2011 5:05:48 AM] Elaine: I fucking hope you're right.
[7/24/2011 5:05:54 AM] Morningstar: I know I am right.
[7/24/2011 5:06:11 AM] Morningstar: Nevertheless. Vengeance is required.
[7/24/2011 5:06:19 AM] Elaine: Yes. Of course.
[7/24/2011 5:07:03 AM] Elaine: Your side... enhanced him, so it won't be easy. But I'll do it if it kills me. And yes that's the only time you'll ever hear those words out of my mouth.
[7/24/2011 5:07:37 AM] Morningstar: If he so much as scratches you, I am going to send him to hell myself.
[7/24/2011 5:07:59 AM] Elaine:  Thanks.
[7/24/2011 5:08:27 AM | Edited 5:08:36 AM] Morningstar: Much as part of me wants to. I cannot kill you, or let you be killed.
[7/24/2011 5:08:40 AM] Elaine:  Yeah. Same here.
[7/24/2011 5:09:07 AM] Morningstar: Kindness is a rare thing, I have found.
[7/24/2011 5:09:37 AM] Elaine: Yeah. Cam was... He was unique.
[7/24/2011 5:09:59 AM] Elaine: He knew. About me? What I am. He didn't care.
[7/24/2011 5:10:29 AM] Morningstar: Indeed. Naive. Stupid. A complete moron when it comes to the ways of the world. That is obvious. But he was more worthy of living than you or I. Especially Me.
[7/24/2011 5:10:58 AM] Elaine: Don't kid yourself, I'm as big a monster as you. Maybe more, because I trick so many of them into thinking I'm not.
[7/24/2011 5:11:32 AM] Morningstar: No. You are a better monster. More effective. But not as evil.
[7/24/2011 5:11:43 AM] Elaine: Heh, thanks.
[7/24/2011 5:12:05 AM] Morningstar: This does not mean I cannot kick your ass if I wanted to, mind you.
[7/24/2011 5:12:16 AM] Elaine: But you don't know the first thing about my past to make that value judgement.
[7/24/2011 5:12:27 AM] Elaine:  Right.
[7/24/2011 5:12:37 AM] Elaine: We're a lot more alike than you think.
[7/24/2011 5:12:46 AM] Morningstar: Sadly. Cam reminded me of...
[7/24/2011 5:12:59 AM] Elaine: Of?
[7/24/2011 5:13:24 AM] Elaine: Of who?
[7/24/2011 5:13:33 AM] Morningstar: My... Brother.
[7/24/2011 5:13:48 AM] Morningstar: The same naive stupidity.
[7/24/2011 5:14:40 AM] Elaine: What... what really happened? If you don't want to answer, you don't have to. But...I'll trade you a story for a story.
[7/24/2011 5:15:06 AM] Morningstar: What happened with my brother? You mean his death? Or his life?
[7/24/2011 5:15:19 AM] Elaine: The two seem like they would go together.
[7/24/2011 5:16:09 AM] Morningstar: He was the favorite. Obviously. Suffered none of the indignities I faced. Never scolded, babied... Got everything he ever wanted.
[7/24/2011 5:16:51 AM] Morningstar: Yet. He was seemingly the first person who did not consider me trash.
[7/24/2011 5:16:58 AM] Morningstar: Brothers after all.
[7/24/2011 5:17:32 AM] Morningstar: Of course, the few times he tried to do anything to improve my situation, I was punished for it.
[7/24/2011 5:17:40 AM] Elaine: Ouch
[7/24/2011 5:18:08 AM] Morningstar: He was something of an out-doors lover as well. Hated being cooped up in his room.
[7/24/2011 5:18:32 AM] Morningstar: So I had to serve as a "Protector" when Mother and Father were too busy.
[7/24/2011 5:18:40 AM] Elaine: Mhm
[7/24/2011 5:19:45 AM] Morningstar: And then one day, after a beating and a scolding, I witnessed him get a new present. A Boat thing. To play with in the nearby lake.
[7/24/2011 5:20:01 AM] Elaine: ...
[7/24/2011 5:20:30 AM] Morningstar: And then my first murder happened. And to this day, the only one I really regret.
[7/24/2011 5:20:49 AM] Elaine: Did you do it on purpose?
[7/24/2011 5:21:06 AM] Morningstar: Yes. And No.
[7/24/2011 5:21:20 AM | Edited 5:21:29 AM] Morningstar: Anger is a terrible thing.
[7/24/2011 5:21:31 AM] Elaine: Ah. That I can understand.
[7/24/2011 5:22:10 AM] Morningstar: I remember my unhappiness. Then I remember watching the light leave his eyes.
[7/24/2011 5:22:31 AM] Morningstar: And I broke that stupid boat too.
[7/24/2011 5:22:49 AM] Elaine: I'm sorry.
[7/24/2011 5:23:09 AM] Morningstar: You are the only one.
[7/24/2011 5:23:32 AM] Elaine: Like I said. We're more alike than you think.
[7/24/2011 5:23:53 AM] Morningstar: Perhaps. Your turn.
[7/24/2011 5:25:53 AM] Elaine: I'll admit right now, when I was little I had everything. My parents were well off, and they spoiled me. For eight years I was the picture of a happy child. And then things changed
[7/24/2011 5:27:25 AM] Elaine: I was told later that I was a sociopath, that I had multiple personalities. Some people never did believe what really happened. But kids started disappearing, and they were all kids that I wasn't exactly happy with. I still remember some of them, whatever people have told me.
[7/24/2011 5:28:50 AM] Elaine: My parents never believed it was me. Until they did. And then they were gone too. It's strange. I don't... I don't remember them at all. But they found me with the bodies all the same. That's how I ended up getting Prosper after me. They sent me to an asylum. Because ten year old girls don't just kill their parents.
[7/24/2011 5:29:17 AM] Elaine: As it turns out, that asylum has Prosper working for it. And he's going after everyone he knew while he worked there.
[7/24/2011 5:29:38 AM] Elaine: So, It's pretty directly my fault that Cam's dead. And I can't tell anyone.
[7/24/2011 5:29:47 AM] Morningstar: Who is Prosper? Really.
[7/24/2011 5:29:48 AM] Elaine: Because WHAT WOULD THEY SAY?
[7/24/2011 5:30:14 AM] Elaine: He used to be an orderly. I don't know what happened since then. I just know he showed up and started taunting Shady.
[7/24/2011 5:31:19 AM] Morningstar: I am sorry. I truly am.
[7/24/2011 5:31:22 AM] Elaine: So, you could've been right all along.
[7/24/2011 5:31:52 AM] Elaine: Maybe I am just a sociopath.
[7/24/2011 5:32:08 AM] Morningstar: You aren't. I am sure of that.
[7/24/2011 5:32:21 AM] Elaine: Thanks.
[7/24/2011 5:32:41 AM] Morningstar: Prosper will pay. Dearly.
[7/24/2011 5:33:16 AM] Elaine: Definitely.
[7/24/2011 5:33:39 AM] Morningstar: I will do what... I can... To help.
[7/24/2011 5:34:02 AM] Elaine: That... thank you.
[7/24/2011 5:35:11 AM] Morningstar: Hahaha. Strange. Becoming a Slave to Him has lead to me gaining... A Friend.
[7/24/2011 5:36:11 AM] Elaine: I wish there was something I could do... about the slave bit. The friend bit I'm pretty happy with.
[7/24/2011 5:36:41 AM] Morningstar: I chose the Slave bit. He is a better "Father" than my actual Father after all.
[7/24/2011 5:37:06 AM] Elaine: That doesn't make him a good one. And I don't want to see you killed because of a poor career choice.
[7/24/2011 5:37:40 AM] Morningstar: It does make him better. He is a lot better than most humans I have met. Most.
[7/24/2011 5:38:09 AM] Elaine: You deserved a lot better than you got. You know that, right?
[7/24/2011 5:38:37 AM] Morningstar: Doubtful.
[7/24/2011 5:39:26 AM] Elaine:  No, but just think about it for a moment. Imagine how different this all could've turned out if you hadn't had slime for parents.
[7/24/2011 5:39:59 AM] Morningstar: You'll have to forgive me. That is a bit hard for me to imagine.
[7/24/2011 5:40:19 AM] Elaine: I guess that's fair.
[7/24/2011 5:40:32 AM] Morningstar: In a way... I think you have had it far worse than me.
[7/24/2011 5:40:46 AM] Elaine:  Heh. How do you figure?
[7/24/2011 5:40:58 AM] Morningstar: You know what you lost. I have no idea what I have never had.
[7/24/2011 5:41:16 AM] Morningstar: Makes it easier I guess.
[7/24/2011 5:42:51 AM] Elaine: I... I still wish you would've had the chance. Even for just a little while. To know what it is to really be loved like that. To have a family.
[7/24/2011 5:43:39 AM] Morningstar: Perhaps. Might have been nice for a while. But I can't help but feel I deserved this somehow. Or that it was Fated.
[7/24/2011 5:44:53 AM] Elaine: You deserve happiness a lot more than most people. And if that's fate, then whoever's pulling the strings up there is a douchebag.
[7/24/2011 5:45:34 AM] Morningstar: I certainly don't deserve happiness at this point.
[7/24/2011 5:46:40 AM] Elaine: And you think I do? You never had a fair shot. I screwed up the one I had.
[7/24/2011 5:47:46 AM] Morningstar: Well. I think about the time I severed an infants head, lit it on fire and played baseball with it, I began to live up to expectations.
[7/24/2011 5:48:01 AM] Morningstar: Wonder if Mother and Father are proud of me.
[7/24/2011 5:48:30 AM] Elaine: Um. That was... I've done shit like that too...
[7/24/2011 5:48:52 AM] Morningstar: No... Probably not. My recent fuck-ups would probably have earned me a nice beating.
[7/24/2011 5:49:42 AM] Elaine: They were douchebags and they're better off gone. They don't have to matter anymore.
[7/24/2011 5:50:46 AM] Morningstar: Yet they do. I am living proof of their work. Lots of Scars serve as reminders. It's lovely.
[7/24/2011 5:51:42 AM] Morningstar: On the plus side, thanks to them, I can take a beating that would kill lesser men.
[7/24/2011 5:51:53 AM] Elaine: That's not...
[7/24/2011 5:51:58 AM] Elaine: I'm sorry.
[7/24/2011 5:52:17 AM] Morningstar: As I said. You are the only one.
[7/24/2011 5:52:32 AM] Elaine: Well then I'm damn glad I'm here.
[7/24/2011 5:53:10 AM] Morningstar: I doubt your boyfriend is sorry. I somewhat doubt he would even give a damn about my past.
[7/24/2011 5:53:43 AM] Elaine: I honestly don't know. He might. But I think the whole trying to kill his friends thing made you a bit of a blind spot.
[7/24/2011 5:54:09 AM] Elaine: I dunno. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother keeping up appearances.
[7/24/2011 5:55:04 AM] Morningstar: There is about no reason. It is kind odd though. I try to kill you and your friends, and you don't mind. I try to kill Sage's, and suddenly we are mortal enemies.
[7/24/2011 5:58:00 AM] Elaine: I keep up appearances because they're the only allies I have, and no offense, I don't fancy my odds on your side. Plus... I want to be better. It's insane and pointless, but I don't WANT to be a killer for the rest of my life. It's a bit too late for that, I guess. As for the rest, if you actually made a serious attempt on one of the few people I cared about, before you became one of them? We wouldn't be here right now.But you never really did. I can't blame him for being protective of his friends. So long as he doesn't try to kill you, there's no real conflict. He lets me do my own thing when you're involved.
[7/24/2011 5:58:12 AM] Elaine: Lets me is the wrong word. He doesn't mind if I do my own thing.
[7/24/2011 5:58:28 AM] Elaine: That makes it sound worse than it is.
[7/24/2011 5:58:57 AM] Morningstar: Hehehe. Do you really love him?
[7/24/2011 5:59:34 AM] Elaine: Love him? No. But I could. We've barely known each other for a month. You know enough of my history to know why I wouldn't let that happen.
[7/24/2011 5:59:57 AM] Morningstar: I didn't think so. You want to avoid hurting him?
[7/24/2011 6:00:41 AM] Elaine: That too. But mostly I'll be damned if I put myself in a position where someone can hurt ME like Mark did. I made sure he never would again, I'm not about to let anyone else do the same.
[7/24/2011 6:01:01 AM] Elaine: Not that I think he would, but... It's better to be safe.
[7/24/2011 6:01:27 AM] Morningstar: Understood. You know you are going to destroy him when the truth comes out, right?
[7/24/2011 6:02:33 AM] Elaine: I don't see any reason that it should come out. If that changes, I'll tell him myself. It's not like he instantly gets the right to know everything about me because we went on a date.
[7/24/2011 6:02:58 AM] Morningstar: The truth always comes out sooner or later.
[7/24/2011 6:03:18 AM] Elaine: I guess so. You going to keep trying to encourage it along?
[7/24/2011 6:03:27 AM] Morningstar: No.
[7/24/2011 6:03:41 AM] Elaine: Thank you.
[7/24/2011 6:03:52 AM] Morningstar: Frankly I don't give a damn about Sage in the least. But hurting him is hurting you.
[7/24/2011 6:04:07 AM] Elaine: As far as I know, you're the only one alive anymore that knows the truth. Other than me.
[7/24/2011 6:04:47 AM] Morningstar: What an honor. I can practically assure you I will not be alive much longer though.
[7/24/2011 6:05:01 AM] Elaine: Don't say that. We'll think of something.
[7/24/2011 6:05:16 AM] Morningstar: Death is the only way out.
[7/24/2011 6:05:55 AM] Elaine: I thought you were the one who believes in afterlifes. An eternity of torment doesn't really seem like an 'out'.
[7/24/2011 6:06:22 AM | Edited 6:06:28 AM] Morningstar: Out of the frying pan. Into the hellfire.
[7/24/2011 6:06:40 AM] Elaine: Yeah. That doesn't seem like an improvement.
[7/24/2011 6:06:50 AM] Morningstar: It won't be. But it is too late now.
[7/24/2011 6:07:20 AM] Elaine: There HAS to be something we can do.
[7/24/2011 6:08:02 AM] Morningstar: No. There does not have to be. Not everything is mortal. Killable. Beatable.
[7/24/2011 6:08:46 AM] Elaine: DAMMIT STAR I'M NOT GIVING UP ON YOU. I'm not losing you too. Not now.
[7/24/2011 6:09:21 AM] Morningstar: No. Not now. In the coming weeks... Perhaps.
[7/24/2011 6:10:12 AM] Elaine: No. We're going to think of something becase I'm a selfish cunt who refuses to give up another friend so soon after Cam. You understand?
[7/24/2011 6:11:20 AM] Morningstar: Hahaha. Careful Lainey. You may be starting to forget priority number one. Your Survival.
[7/24/2011 6:12:48 AM |Elaine: Fuck survival. I have a list. It's a very small list. It has everyone whom I would actually risk my life to protect. Cam's name was on it. So is yours.
[7/24/2011 6:13:14 AM] Elaine: Everyone else can go fuck themselves, but the people on the list are my priority.
[7/24/2011 6:13:40 AM] Morningstar: Ha. Sadly, the people on that list have their own lists. Guess who's name is on them?
[7/24/2011 6:14:15 AM] Morningstar: I am certain Cam is happy it was him and not you or Jake.
[7/24/2011 6:15:37 AM] Elaine: Yeah, well, from what I can tell he never woke up to be happy about it. I've wasted my second chance. And my third. Everyone on my list deserves another chance more than I.
[7/24/2011 6:16:25 AM] Morningstar: You have not murdered infants and decorated their cribs with their entrails.
[7/24/2011 6:17:39 AM] Elaine: No, but I have murdered kids only a few years older than that.  I started kiling before I hit puberty. YEARS before I hit puberty. I've done a lot of bad things since then. I CONTINUE to do bad things, because apparently that's all I'm really good for.
[7/24/2011 6:18:17 AM] Morningstar: Yet you also do good things. Unlike myself.
[7/24/2011 6:18:47 AM] Elaine: Yep. I do plenty of good. Which will all be undone when they find out the truth about me.
[7/24/2011 6:20:59 AM] Elaine: This is it, I have to go. I hope I survive to see you again, Star.
[7/24/2011 6:21:36 AM] Morningstar: You will. And when you do, I am afraid I am going to have to kick your ass for making me get all weepy.
[7/24/2011 6:21:59 AM] Elaine: Of course. G'bye Star.
[7/24/2011 6:22:06 AM] Morningstar: Goodbye.

Rescue

Some of you may remember a certain showdown I had with a certain proxy back when I was still in Austin. I told you all at the time that I taunted him about his brother, and that it was a berserk button reaction. That's true. What I failed to mention was that we got in contact afterward. 

I'm still not quite sure what inspired me to send that first email. But we got in touch. We started fighting via email, and then we started bantering, and then we just started talking. And somehow we became friends.

I learned the truth of  his story, and I told him the truth of mine.

When I was being held captive by the police, he came and rescued me. Yes, that's right. The big kidnapping plot? It was a farce. A necessary one, if he were to do it without being killed. He came to get me away from the cops, he made sure they didn't hurt me, he made sure Terminator found a stash of drugs so I could get away cleanly that morning. He's all but stopped trolling me-in fact only doing so when it actually helps me. We've gotten insanely good at pretending to hate each other while sounding encouraging.

The fact is, I've been begging him for the past month and change to defect. This is going to be hard to swallow, but he's a remarkably good person past all the rage and fear and slendy-control. He's risked life and limb to help me multiple times over our short friendship, perhaps most notably when he actually risked coming into my 'cell' when he had me 'kidnapped' because I needed a friend and a shoulder to cry on. It was so stupidly reckless and and selfless and utterly /good/.

I find it impossible to dislike someone who's willing to risk life and limb JUST TO HOLD ME WHILE I CRIED.

Do you remember around a month ago, when Valtiel showed up to torture him out of the blue? It was because he was considering defecting, though he obviously couldn't say that in public. The big problem was that he's at least partially hallowed. He's undergone the process repeatedly, and while it doesn't seem to stick forever, it means that he doesn't have complete control over himself or his actions. Yes, that's right, folks. The proxy everyone loved to hate was oftentimes more or less a puppet on a string. Which has led to some rather unfortunate and spectacular tragedies over the past few weeks as we've been preparing for him to do the actual defecting.

Again. Yes, that's right, folks, he /agreed/ to defect. In his words, specifically so he could do a better job of keeping an eye on me-the first real friend he's ever had in his life.

So. We went to New Jersey today. We meaning Spencer and I. We went to Jersey, and... I wish we could have interfered in what went down today. I really do. I don't know exactly how it happened,  though I know that when we found him Melly wasn't with them, and they seemed to be doing a lot of arguing. So I hope that perhaps it went badly for them and well for us. I really, really do. But we couldn't risk interfering and dragging his handler into it, or else we all would have ended up dead. I'm so sorry.

Nonetheless. We've just rescued Morningstar.

Waiting

First thing's first. Spencer wanted me to tell you all that he admits to being the one who changed Jake's Loop to being a life with Cam. He feels guilty about it, but all he wanted to do was give him happiness after the Loop had already broken him. I don't blame him. He doesn't know who put him there or busted him out.

So, after that, I really... I'm not sure what to say. So much of my life has been hiding and fighting my past. It feels fucking weird to have it just... laid out like that. And honestly perhaps a little dangerous? Considering the amount of people that are after me. But with any luck they'll get distracted chasing each other down.

I guess if it had to happen, I'm glad it happened here. August and Spencer have been a huge help.  And the House is good for distractions. I did more exploring. Still looking for the room the key opens.

And I found it. I must've passed that door a hundred times before, but it was kind of in a strange spot and I hadn't noticed it before. Blame the detox or something. But today I saw it and noticed the bronze of the lock matched my key, and gave it a go. It worked.

When I stepped into the room, the first thing I noticed was color, everywhere. The furniture, just a bed, a dresser, and a bookshelf full of art supplies, was all pushed together awkwardly into the middle of the room to leave every inch of wall space free. The walls were covered in art. Hundreds of pictures covering every possible inch of wall space. It was beautiful and somewhat horrifying.

I admit, I just kind of stared for a while. I stepped into the room , to the middle of the floor, next to the bed, and I turned, slowly, and tried to make sense of all of it. And slowly but surely, I did. It was a story.

It started on the far wall from the door, the first one a person would see from the doorway. The pictures were all muted, quiet pastels. It told the story of a kid as she grew up, broken and alone and probably abused, judging by the pictures. The wall is dominated by a large picture of two adults towering outrageously over a child literally something like a tenth of their size, who is crying and holding a doll. There's a dent in the wall over both of the older figure's heads-I'm guessing she liked to throw things at them when frustrated. Over the course of the wall the child grows up, and you can see her bruises and tears and failures, as well as her rare success-most notably a triptych of the girl learning to paint, the happiest picture on the wall. The last panel was an older woman lying in a hospital bed, either asleep or dead. Judging by the rest of the story, I have little doubt it's the latter

It continued to the right, on the next wall. It starts with the girl getting to college, taking classes in art-including a very intricate painting of an entire life drawing class with a model and a room full of students. For the first time people other than the girl-turned-woman are painted in a positive fashion, without the shadows or looming presence. A man figures prominently towards the end of the college days, and there are happy scenes of the two of them together. Dates periodically, then a wedding, and the most prominent picture of the wall, the two of them beaming and holding a baby. At first glance, it seemed perfectly happy, and then I started paying more attention. The picture of the three of them has worn and smudged bits on the face of the man-specifically the lips, and along the outline of the baby. As though someone had been stroking them. Perhaps even kissing them, considering the wear on the lips.
In addtion, after that picture subtle operator symbols show up all over the place. Shaded into shadows, starbursted into reflections, anywhere and everywhere it can be worked in, it is. This wall ends with a painting of an empty crib covered in blood.

The next wall, the wall with the door, told a story we all know too well. Mad, smudged charcoal sketches of  Slendershit and operator symbols intermingle with scenes of horror and dread. The only two colors on this wall are the black of the charcoal and the red of some kind of paint. The pictures depict the woman and her husband running hard and fast, but a third of the way through, the most prominent picture is of slendershit luring the man to him. This picture also has dents, and seems to have been drawn with a hand that's far more shaky than most of the other drawings. He shows up again halfway down wearing a mask. It's clear he's hunting her down.
The wall ends in his bloody corpse on the ground, with her holding a knife, covered in blood and looking horrified.

The last wall has two equally prominent main pictures. The first and the last. The first is a picture of Spencer and Doc talking to the woman. There are various pictures of the House, other couriers-mostly ones I recognize, but a few I didn't. Most of the ones I didn't recognize had a graphic and detailed portrait of their death-though how accurate the portraits are, I can't say. The portraits play through the death and arrival of a lot of couriers-whoever this woman was, she seems to have been here for a while.
She uses more and more color over the course of painting the pictures on this wall, though she never paints herself with color again. Until the last painting on the wall. The other big one. It's her corpse, with slit wrists, sprawled on her bed.
Upon closer inspection, though there's no mattress on the bedframe anymore, there's blood splatter on the frame itself.

This woman painted her life and her death on the walls. I don't even know her name, but my heart aches for her. I wonder if Spence had any idea that the key went to this room...
I just had to get this out of my head. I need to go find Spencer and talk to him.

Happy Birthday to Me?

I'm not entirely sure how, but August found out that yesterday was my birthday. I'm twenty four. I didn't much feel like celebrating.

I'd honestly hoped I could get by without people knowing. The only people other than me who should have known were Cam and Jake, and they're not exactly around to tell people about it. I don't... Cam always made a big deal about it. Every year, no matter where I was, where he was, he'd make sure to do everything he could to make my birthday special. Even when he didn't know where I was, he'd call me and keep me on the phone for hours, talking to me and trying to brighten my day. I... My birthday was always the day I spent with him. So, I kind of hoped to forget it this year.

But. August threw a party. And it was all of us here at the house, and there was enough food to feed a family for a week and he was just so pleased with it. I couldn't say no. And it... it almost felt nice. Even with Doc drinking two feet from me and making me ache with the need for a glass. Because it almost felt like being part of a family again.

Of course, it didn't last. We hadn't even gotten past August's appetizers when Spencer bolted. I followed. We both saw something. I... I don't want to talk about it.

August, I'm sorry we ruined your dinner. It was delicious, I just...
I need to be alone for a while. You know where to find me if you need me.

The Wing

Apparently I've hit the time limit on being allowed to relax, though I guess some of this, at least, is my fault. 

To start with the first thing, I guess, I woke up way early this morning to go try something I've been wanting to attempt since I first started making plans to come to the house. It was potentially life threatening, reckless, stupid, and insane, but since when has that ever stopped me?

So I woke up and slipped through a certain set of doors into the East Wing in the early morning hours. For those of you who don't read their blog, it has been described as a nightmare zone with twisting, changing corridors and apparently some kind of supernatural effect on people even outside of it. Now, Slendershit aside, I'm not exactly a big believer in the supernatural, but I figured there had to be something.

I don't know what I expected, after the crazy stories that have been told about it. What I definitely didn't expect was what I found. A couple of long, dusty corridors. A lot of empty rooms. Nothing at all of interest. I don't fucking get it.

The place is supposed to be nightmare inducing... not sneeze inducing. I kept looking, I checked every fucking room, looking for something that would explain it. I didn't find anything, but Spencer found me. He seemed amused, which pissed me right the fuck off. By the time he showed up, I'd worked myself up about it, I guess, because for a moment I thought I actually saw something. But it went away quickly and upon reflection it wasn't even the same sort of hallucination that people tend to associate with the Wing.

Spence wouldn't tell me shit, and so when he left I went to talk to August. The kid tried his best to be helpful, and it's clear he really believed what he was telling me, but... that shit doesn't just happen. I'm finding it more likely that there was a gas leak or something that Spencer fixed recently. Because hallways don't just move around. So that's my theory and I'm sticking to it. Sorry guys. I know you all believe this, but... you realize how insane it is, right?

In other news, it turns out my security measures for Shrody didn't even last a full day. I'm... I'm going to try and find her, try and save her, but she was taken from an airport. She could be anywhere by now... By the time I find her it may be too late, and I unfortunately have a promise to keep that means if I haven't found her within the next few days I may not be able to.

More on that promise when it's safe to discuss.

I should head out again, I think I may have offended August a little by not believing him, I should go apologize...

Keep Moving

That's the plan, anyway. We left NYC yesterday,after saying a fond farewell to Rachael. It was nice, staying with her, rather peaceful, but the longer we stayed there the more danger we were all in, from her and from all the things chasing me.

So we're off, to visit another friend. Again, not telling you lot where I'm headed, I don't want an unpleasant surprise when I get there, and the person I'm visiting would definitely not thank me for bringing down a storm of proxies on their home. Suffice it to say that I am going to see a friend who's got more information that could be useful.

I'm starting my work back again. I'd been slacking, hadn't really done any research and I've only read one or two new blogs in the past several weeks. Fuck that shit. I've been wallowing too damn long. It's time to start fighting properly again, instead of just getting by.

I have a goal, one that is hard but definitely possible, and I'm doing everything in my fucking power to make sure I achieve it.

In the meantime, I have something Spencer gave Cam that I have the permission to post and discuss. Expect to see that within the next couple days, as soon as we stay someplace with a scanner. I have a couple of other topics that I'm planning research posts on within the next week or so as well.

I'm not going to roll over and fucking die because of all of this. Cam made it pretty clear he wanted me to live.

Back in Town

I'm in NYC, and it's beautiful and huge and bustling, just like I remember. The drive from Texas was hell, but I got here a day early and ended up able to spend yesterday with Spence, taking in the city almost like just another tourist. There was some craziness the previous night, and he came by to check on me, then ended up sticking for a while. He's a good friend. The two of us spent the day talking and remembering.  It was... it was nice. I needed that. It felt like I was finally getting a chance to say goodbye.

This was Cam's home, every time I've been here was with him. There's too much of him everywhere, he loved this city, loved showing it off to me in the hopes of making me smile for real. He's always been very good at that-I guess that's what happens when you've known someone for twenty years. Sure, he wasn't actually able to be physically with me for a lot of it, but he never let me fall out of touch, never let me ditch him. I think most of you thought that I met him when we started rooming together, we tended to encourage that belief, but that was not quite the truth. I never... I never bothered setting the record straight because I didn't think it mattered, but we were kids together, before he moved here. After shit hit the fan with me, he consistently wrecked his own life to be there when I needed him. No matter where I was or what trouble I'd gotten into, he was always there wanting to help. He deserves for you to know that.

The only reason I came here, to this city with all it's pain and memories and beauty, was two people I needed to see. The first, Shrodinger, I picked up rather early this morning. She really is that sweet, even desperate, looking like death, and missing a hand. She put up the request for a rescue a week ago and I got in touch, because like HELL was I leaving her to deal with this Cheshire bastard alone anymore. Didn't want to linger long there, so I just picked her and her stuff up and got the fuck out of there before something could show up and try to stop us.

We then proceeded to Rachael's house. Normally I would not go into the home of a proxy when seeking someplace vaguely resembling safe to rest and plan my next move, but she's a bit of a special case these days, and as much as I feel like a bitch saying so, physically she's not exactly a threat, so if it comes to that, I'm not too worried. She says she's pretty good at dealing with the 'itch' as she calls it and can give us warning if we need to get out, so I'm hoping that I'm just worrying too much.

I don't know what exactly I expected, really, but it wasn't her, in this cheerful, if a little dark and dusty, home. She looks to be in her thirties and absolutely beautiful, though everything about her is sad enough to break your heart. She swooped in and started mothering Shrodinger from the moment we arrived, and I've admittedly done a lot of awkward hovering and trying to help. She is so infinitely kind to us both, it kind of throws any expectations out the window. It's nice, really. I'm hoping our stop here will help Kat a little, and maybe I'll get lucky and it'll help me as well.

On the Road Again

So I'm traveling again, this time with a specific location and purpose in mind, though I won't put it up here for the proxy douches to see and interfere with. It's kind of a long trip, but I don't mind the drive. I've got plenty of good music to blast and time to enjoy the view of so many places I have never been.

Stopped at a rest stop to type this out because... well, I'm alone again. When I left the hotel this morning I also left Nick. I'm really just not built for this dating stuff, apparently. It throws me off, makes me weak and stupid and distracted. Nick, I'm sorry, but I don't want to get myself or one of you killed because I was too distracted to do what I need to do. 

I've got a lot to do while I'm on the run. Some of you are already expecting me, and there are a lot of things I need to read up on. It's more important than ever to keep up on my research now, I'm just getting a little more hands on about how I do it.

And on that note, I need to get going again. I've got a long way to go.

Nick, I'm sorry.

Supernatural Weirdness

So, I've been with Nick, traveling around more or less aimlessly, since all of the bullshit on Friday. I didn't... I feel like an asshole for not noticing before, though Nick assures me that it was some kind of mindwhammy that kept me from noticing until it is over. He's been missing. Not in the physical sense, he was still here to move and eat and occasionally say something, but in the mental/spiritual/whatever sense. He was a little busy fighting a hoard of knights riding unicorns, and fuck if that isn't the weirdest thing I've ever had to accept as reality, even with fucking shared dreams and faceless stalkers and teleporting murderers.

Okay, sometimes having a lover that half exists on a plane of existence that makes no damn sense to you is a little frustrating. Here, though, it's mostly just terrifying. That's six days. Six days, he was gone, and I didn't fucking notice because a UNICORN was screwing with my head? What the crap is that? I've been functionally alone for six days. I almost lost him, and I didn't even fucking know about it till it was over because he was still there and breathing and seeming fine. Still curling up with me at night. Still...

Well, fuck. Anyway, he's here now. And I... I'm going to go enjoy his company while I have it.

Back to Work

I'm sorry about last night's post. Yesterday was bad.

When I escaped Star's diabolical plans, instead of heading straight out of town like I said I would, I went back to the apartment. I needed my notes, my money, some clothes, and the things Cam left for me. A pile of letters and a notebook.

The idiot made one of THOSE notebooks. And I never knew. Hidden in the blank pages is a pretty accurate picture of... of how he died. He definitely drew it. I... I don't know when he did, but he knew. He fucking knew. What the fuck is this? Apparently he was never as Slendyfree as he said he was. I just don't understand why he lied.

While waiting for Nick at the apartment, I started talking to Shaun, and he...I dunno, he went fucking nuts and started freaking out about how I wasn't safe. I didn't know what else to do, so I ran. Six blocks faster than I've bugged out in a long time. Found myself at the cemetery. Got to see Cam one last time before I left town...

That was where Nick met me. I was an absolute mess, I'll admit it. I was lucky that it was deserted that morning. Not many people want to visit a graveyard on a bright, hot morning. The rest of the day was spent alternately doing things like setting up a meeting with August and Spencer and selling the car and randomly breaking down on poor Nick. I'm not proud of it, but I had my one day. I let myself grieve for one day. I gave an entire day to the fear and misery and desperation.

No more. I've got work to do if I want to help those of you who need my help. I don't have time for tears and crying.

August, Spencer, I'm sorry you had to see me like that yesterday. Dinner went badly, and a lot of that is my fault. Thank you for all of your help.