Goodbyes are always so awkward.

Where do I begin?

I feel like I’ve become the bearer of bad news or something. My five or six posts here have been nothing but dealing with whatever it was Elaine currently couldn’t, and I guess now she really isn’t able to cover my ass.

That’s right. She’s dead.

Went down in a blaze of fucking glory, though, so good on her. Know what they say about mother bears and their cubs? Yeah, that’s a pretty solid analogy for what just went down. Think she might’ve  managed to get one of the guy’s balls at some point, and judging by the way he screamed I’m guessing Elaine brought more than just her favourite hunting knife with her.

Actually, I guess I’m not being entirely honest. This all went down earlier today, and after finally managing to (sort of) console Em and pass her off– hell, I’m not exactly taking this well myself – I'm off again.

Why post now, then? Well, I’d be damned if I could have managed a post that wasn’t shit, Elaine’s dead, Em’s safe, we’re in some unspecified location I’m not going to mention for fear of that crazy bastard Angmar destroying the warehouse he was holding Em hostage in followed by a few ramblings about I’m not a father what the fuck am I supposed to do with a kid.

Well, at least one of those issues has been sorted out: Em’s off to live with Ben. A permanent home’ll be good for her. Safe.  Safer than she’d be with me, anyway, which isn’t too difficult to achieve.

As for me, blogging isn’t really my thing. There’s something about loudly announcing my plans, feelings and actions for the world to see that I don’t find appealing or particularly smart.

Maybe that’s just me, though.

Anybody who I want to contact me has my details, and everybody else… well, you people'll find a way, I'm sure.

Elaine, though I got my goodbyes out of the way before we went into the warehouse, I’ll state it again: thank you for everything.

She’s got one more post she wants me to put up. Emily’s already in more responsible hands than mine and, well, I’m off to do my own thing.

As for the research? Rich and I are still getting things together. Figure we’ll post it on the original blog. We’ll see. At any rate, neither of us’ll be around the blogosphere anymore.

I guess that’s the end of that. Best of luck. God knows we all need it.

The Truth, Part 2

I had meant to type up excerpts as I went along, little tidbits of Cam's journals, talking about his life and interactions with me. Reading through them, it's painfully obvious that I underestimated how much of his life revolved around me.

It's humbling, really. It's obvious that the journals were never meant for my eyes. The first one starts the day I got involved with Slender, and they don't miss more than a few days up until his death. So many notebooks, full of his hopes and dreams and fears, and I'm honestly not certain if he ever went more than a page without mentioning me in some way.

And I pieced together a story. Now I know why I don't remember much of anything before I hit twelve.

When we were little, Cam and I were inseparable. Cam had a twin brother named Joey, but he was a bully and neither of us liked playing with him. I only very vaguely remember Joey, but I do remember being scared of him, a little. I told you before of how I woke up in the forest and he was dead. But Cam remembered what happened. Cam and I liked to play in the woods behind our back yards. Our parents didn't mind so long as we didn't go out of range of the walkie talkies they made us carry.

Joey hated the woods-he liked to play inside, didn't like being out with the bugs and the heat and the dirt. But that day he followed us-probably to torment us about something. He caught up to us at exactly the wrong time. We went to our normal spot, where there was a small clearing we liked to play in. For whatever reason the underbrush was almost nonexistent in that part of the forest.
And there he was. Slendershit. Tall and faceless as ever. We didn't know what to do. Cam and I shied away, but Joey walked straight up to him and took his hand. There was a long moment of silence, then he came at us with a rock.

Cam doesn't know what exactly happened next. He says he darted into the hollow tree trunk behind us, and I stood there and tried to fend him off. He remembers a shout from Joey and a scream from me, then a dull thud. When he peeked out, I was clutching a big rock and Joey was on the ground with a big dent in his head. And slendershit had his tentacles out, looking furious, and I stared him down. As Cam recalls it, I stepped forward, dropped the rock, put my hands on my hips and said 'You can't have him'.

Then. 'Take me instead. I'll do whatever you want as long as Cam is safe'

I stepped forward, Slender took my hand, and I started laughing.
He vanished, I passed out, and Cam woke me up and started screaming about a man in the woods and Joey being hurt into our walkies.

Everything looked fine for a little while. They started hunting for the man who killed Joey, ruled that the two of us had undergone trauma from the incident, and life went on mostly as normal.

Until Cam caught me sneaking out into the woods. He followed. Watched me kill.

I killed fifteen people back then. He was there for eight. To talk me down and comfort me when I woke up covered in blood and scared and confused.

And then I killed my brother and my parents. When I snapped out of it, I slipped out the window to go to Cam's. Apparently we used to do that a lot-our bedroom windows faced each other. He let me in through his window and hid me in his closet, trying to talk me down.

It didn't work, they found me, and I got locked up.

Apparently, Cam visited me as often as his parents would allow, but for two years I was completely unresponsive.  I started out heavily sedated, but as time went on, they realized they didn't need to. All I did was stare. And Cam grew more and more worried. After two years, he gave in and decided to do something about it. Cut a deal with slendershit. The past four years would be wiped from my memory, and Cam would be allowed to live long enough to, as he put it 'make sure I recovered enough to make it alone'. In exchange, Cam offered himself as... a toy, basically. To be tormented and kept until I'd recovered enough, and not one moment longer.

And so it was his life. Helping me. Always there, always sacrificing any chance of a real life for himself, because he was going to die. Never saying a word about what he endured-he only rarely mentioned the torments in any detail in the journals and the couple descriptions I found were enough to give me nightmares.

While I was on the street he was frantically trying to find me-he tried to run away once, to come help me. He got caught, wasn't allowed to leave the house unsupervised for months. Never said a word.

That was always the name of the game, I've learned. He did so much for me. Never said anything, never told me what he'd sacrificed, worked so hard to make it seem easy, to make sure I never noticed anything amiss. I spent so much time staying with him, living with him, and he made sure I never even got the slightest hint of his pain. Nor did Jake, really. He knew about me, but Cam was certain that Jake never knew about the torture he went through regularly.

And then the dreams started a couple days after I got out of jail. And he knew that it was a warning-that his time was coming to an end. And he was so fucking relieved. He wanted the end so badly, the only thing that kept him alive was... well, me.

I didn't know.

And now I feel like so much scum, compared to the man who literally gave everything he had to me.

...I'll do you proud, Cam. I promise.

The Story Continues

You've all seen the most recent issue with Jake. I'm sorry I haven't been posting much about what's actually going on, but the simple fact is that we're all just kind of waiting. We've done what we can, now we're waiting to see how well he deals with the rest. It's nervewracking, but nothing much to talk about. Instead, I want to give you another story. I mentioned already that the 'kidnapping' was actually a rescue. I mentioned also that he came in to talk to me. For obvious reasons this didn't get recorded, and it's been a while, but I'll retell it as best as I can

I wasn't honestly expecting much. Friend or no, Star was still Star, and therefore not used to having a friend. He had a job to do, and he was doing a damn good job of keeping me intact, though of course minor injuries were unavoidable and honestly I didn't mind the chance for a scrap now and again. I didn't exactly care about hurting them, and they weren't allowed to kill me or do anything that would do permanent damage. All part of the charade.
He was keeping me safe and getting me out. I couldn't ask for more than that.

I got it anyway, though.
It was Thursday morning. I'd been there for the better part of a day, and mostly they'd just left me in the room. Someone showed up at regular intervals to taunt me and leave me food, but for the most part they didn't even lay a hand on me-which had to be Star's doing. And then someone knocked

"Yeah?" I called. I probably sounded dead. I know I felt dead.

A muffled order, footsteps walking away. "Can I come in, Lainey?" He sounded gleeful. It was pretty obviously fake. I dared to hope.

I sighed dramatically. "If you must."

I heard the door unlock. He slipped inside, concern clear on his face as he locks the door. "... How are you holding up?"

"They're gone?" I raised an eyebrow.

He laughed a little. "I told Tiger to go walk Jack. This is a more difficult task than it seems..." He hesitated. "Anything you need?"

I couldn't keep my composure anymore. Didn't even bother trying. "Just. If you have a minute? Stay?"

"I shall stay as long as I can." He replied quietly, sitting down beside me.

I sag into him, grateful for the contact and comfort. "Thank you."

He seemed a little disconcerted, but hugged me. "It is what I am here for."

I nod. "You know you're the first friendly contact I've had in almost a week."

"Sad isn't it? Heh. Anything I can do to make you feel better?"

"You're already risking your life to help me." I reply, gratitude bleeding into my voice.

"My job is to attack scared cornered animals. I risk my life every time I leave my bed. Seriously. Anything I can do? Anything." He sounded almost amused at my concern

"... Just don't let go, alright? For a few minutes?" My voice cracked and my eyes were distinctly watery.

"Very Well..." he hugged me tighter.

And finally, for the first time since the police arrived at my apartment, I let myself cry. Probably made him horribly uncomfortable in the process, but I just cried into his shoulder. It was such a relief to have a friend, someone whose shoulder I could cry on, there, in person, to hug me.

He's not really used to that kind of emotion, though, and before long he spoke up, to defuse the awkward, I imagine. "You know... I am trying to find Prosper." he said quietly.

"I. Any luck?"

"None thus far... I am slightly under Prosper on the totem pole, unfortunately. Hence why he can do that... Weird teleporty shit." He sounded uncomfortable, though he made a valiant attempt to try and hide it."Yeah, I figured." I sniffed and wiped at my eyes, pulling away. "Thank you."

He nodded and frowned."I am sorry I am not more help."

"You got me out of there. That's help enough. And this..." A shaky laugh. "I needed this."

"Yet it is not enough... Hmmm... I wonder. Perhaps I could convince everyone to go kill off a random Runner in town somewhere. So you are not trapped in this room for a little while." He sounded thoughtful.

I smiled faintly. "That would be nice. If you think it's doable? I don't want to put you in any more danger than I already am"

"I have been doing this whole 'stalk and kill' bit for a few months now. I can simply tell them I need a break, and that they need to learn to kill without me barking orders." He sounded firm.

I smiled faintly. "Fair enough. It would be nice to get out of the room for a little while. Thank you."

"I shall send them off as soon as I can... Meaning when Jack and Tiger get back. Idiots.... Anything else I can do? What do you usually do when you feel bad?" He looked concerned, nervous. I probably still looked and sounded pretty dead.

I laughed. A real, genuine laugh. "I usually have sex. But somehow I don't think you'd be interested in that one."

He blushed, and suddenly I remembered that he was still barely more than a kid. It's so easy to forget how young he is. "Um. Er. Right. That is. Um. Awkward."

"I'll save that for when I get out of here and meet Nick." I told him with a smile.

"Right. Good. We should probably speed that up then. For your sake." He said with a sigh of relief. I couldn't help but grin at that.

"You'll hear no objections from me." I replied. "Though it is really good to see you."

"Yes indeed... Although... I really should get you back for the ending of our last encounter." It was clear he was teasing.

I raised an eyebrow. "I didn't lay a hand on you at the wedding.""No no. We barely saw each other at the wedding. I am talking about the time I tried to kill you."

"Oh. Right." I rolled my eyes. "You crashed the wedding. We're even."

"Hardly. The wedding would have been crashed with or without me interfering."

I shrug. "Maybe so. But Nee would've failed utterly and caused no damage if it weren't for you."

"Don't be too sure. In addition, if we did not show up, others would have."

I smiled, reading between the lines. Considering the epic failure at the wedding, I'd been suspecting that he'd flubbed it on purpose. The small smile he wore seemed to confirm it. "Okay, fair enough. But I don't think now is the time for that rematch..."

"No, of course not. But considering I am spending lots of time in here, I probably should... Well..." He looked embarrased and apologetic.

I met his eyes squarely. "... Do what you need to do." I sighed

"When I am ready to leave. Not before."

I nod and smile faintly.

"... I suppose I can allow you to hit me back or something, if it makes you feel better." That right there told me how much he was willing to do for me, as if the rest of this hadn't.

A shaky laugh. "Probably be better for you if I didn't."

"Pfft. Why." He looks almost offended. I think he thought I was calling him a wimp or something.

"Makes you look good?" I offered with a weak smile

"When have I ever cared about that?" He seemed amused.

"Well, I care about that." I told him firmly. "I don't want you getting hurt or killed because you don't have quite your old success rate anymore. The little things will help."

"My success rate remains the same." He replied, face unreadable. "And bruises do not affect this rate. Understand this. Father does not give a shit. The Command and my handlers DO."

"Yeah, but they can hurt you too, right? I'd hate to see you getting hallowed again." I'm not sure if my concern showed n my face, but it probably did. Star felt the need to reassure me, anyhow.

"Pfft. Just a hallowing. Nothing I cannot handle." He said looking away briefly to hide the terror on his face.

I put a hand on his shoulder. "You don't have to play tough for me. It's a scary thing."

"Doesn't make it less scary that they're trying to clear out your head though, I bet."
"Who is playing? Heh. I have been through it several times already. It is... Nothing." He sounded nervous. "It is less clearing your head then it is filling your head..."

"Eesh." I hugged him tighter. "Why do you put up with that?

"Because I have no other choice." His voice was carefully neutral

"You could leave?" I cleared my throat. This was the first time I'd really approached the subject with him directly. "I mean. What you do is your own business. But I hate to see them hurting you like this."

"They are the best chance for me to accomplish my goals." He replied firmly.

"What goals are those?" I asked, brow raised.

He looked awkward. "Um... Well. You know. I want to... stay alive?

"Because proxies live forever, right?" I sighed. "Like I said. You do what you want, but it might be smart to get out before they actually manage to find a way to make you a drone."

"And as a drone I would stay alive. Either way. I win." He smiled. "You lose because it wouldn't be you anymore." I tell him. "And why exactly is staying alive more important than your existence as a person?"

"Because it is my existence."

"I consider your existence quite important beyond that one thing, thank you. You're my friend and I want you safe and happy, dammit."

He laughed. "Safe? None of us are safe, none of us will EVER be safe. And Happiness? HA. Our joy will be brief and will disappear before the next tragedy."

"But it's better than never being happy at all." I reply firmly. "And okay, safe is kind of a joke these days. But I'd rather see us all die tomorrow free than have us lose ourselves to his mind control."

"Heh. Whatever you say."

I sigh. "Just think about it.""Maybe..."

I shrug.. "But here I am getting all sappy about people. I guess it's not any of my business

"It is fine. Ugh... So. Where will you go after Nick?" He seemed glad for the topic change

"New York. I'm meeting up with someone."

"It is still Proxy central up there... So be careful." Another concerned look from Star.

I nodded "I know. I'll be careful."

"You had better be...SO. Any clue where Jakey Boy ran off to?"

I sighed. "Not a one. Probably chased Prosper. No idea where he would've ended up."

"He is probably broken, you know." He is again carefully neutral.

"Probably." I agreed, feeling lost. "I'm just hoping this doesn't come back to bite me before I can find him."

"It will somehow, I fear..." The concern was bleeding though again.

I sighed again and sagged against him. "That's what I'm afraid of."

"Well don't be afraid." He replied, a careful arm going around me. "I am here to protect and assist you. From anything short of Father himself."

I smiled at him. "Thank you. Same to you. But I'll stand with you against the tall fucker himself if it comes to it."

He gave me a long look. "I would not allow that, I am afraid."

"Like you could stop me." I reply with a smirk.

He smirked back "Oh, I could. Make no mistake."

"You could try, anyway." I told him firmly.

One pale eyebrow went up. "Is that a challenge?"

"Possibly?" I shrug. "Hopefully it won't come to that"

He sighed "With luck... But when are we... You ever that lucky?"

A long pause. "... You're right. Fuck. Doesn't change my stand."

He laughs a little. "Stubborn."

The look I gave him was all challenge."Damn straight. You say that like it's a surprise."

Another laugh "Not a surprise. Just bothersome. Ha. Why do I even bother..."

And now I was curious. "Why do you even bother what?"

"... Taking care of.... Assisting you. Yes." He looked uncomfortable.
I shrug. "I dunno. That's a good question. Why do you? Not that I'm not grateful, mind."He shrugged back, looking fiercely uncomfortable. "Right. Well then. I should go get everyone out so you can leave this damn room."

I smiled. "Thank you again."

"It is what I am here for... And..." He visibly pulled back and punched me in the face, just hard enough to leave a bruise.

I swore but took it. Better a punch now than us both getting killed later.

"... And there we go. Feel free to hit back." He flashed me an apologetic look.

I pretended to think about it for a moment."Nah. But I wouldn't say no to getting a chance to go after Recluse... Creepy bitch."

He laughs. "I can send her in later, if you want to have a shot at her."

"I think I would enjoy that." I replied.

"Heh. You say that now. I can only stop her from killing you, not beating the ever loving shit out of you. Just a fair warning." More concern.

I shrugged it off and flashed him a cocky smile. "A knock down drag out fight sounds good. Get out some of this emotional bullshit."

He gave me a long look, then nodded. "As long as you don't mind to be on the receiving end of the asskicking... I shall send her in later tonight."

"Wonderful." I replied.

"Heh. Should be funny to watch." He headed for the door, but stopped just in front of it "... Stay strong Elaine. This will be over soon."

I nodded. "Thank you."

Happy Birthday to Me?

I'm not entirely sure how, but August found out that yesterday was my birthday. I'm twenty four. I didn't much feel like celebrating.

I'd honestly hoped I could get by without people knowing. The only people other than me who should have known were Cam and Jake, and they're not exactly around to tell people about it. I don't... Cam always made a big deal about it. Every year, no matter where I was, where he was, he'd make sure to do everything he could to make my birthday special. Even when he didn't know where I was, he'd call me and keep me on the phone for hours, talking to me and trying to brighten my day. I... My birthday was always the day I spent with him. So, I kind of hoped to forget it this year.

But. August threw a party. And it was all of us here at the house, and there was enough food to feed a family for a week and he was just so pleased with it. I couldn't say no. And it... it almost felt nice. Even with Doc drinking two feet from me and making me ache with the need for a glass. Because it almost felt like being part of a family again.

Of course, it didn't last. We hadn't even gotten past August's appetizers when Spencer bolted. I followed. We both saw something. I... I don't want to talk about it.

August, I'm sorry we ruined your dinner. It was delicious, I just...
I need to be alone for a while. You know where to find me if you need me.

Supernatural Weirdness

So, I've been with Nick, traveling around more or less aimlessly, since all of the bullshit on Friday. I didn't... I feel like an asshole for not noticing before, though Nick assures me that it was some kind of mindwhammy that kept me from noticing until it is over. He's been missing. Not in the physical sense, he was still here to move and eat and occasionally say something, but in the mental/spiritual/whatever sense. He was a little busy fighting a hoard of knights riding unicorns, and fuck if that isn't the weirdest thing I've ever had to accept as reality, even with fucking shared dreams and faceless stalkers and teleporting murderers.

Okay, sometimes having a lover that half exists on a plane of existence that makes no damn sense to you is a little frustrating. Here, though, it's mostly just terrifying. That's six days. Six days, he was gone, and I didn't fucking notice because a UNICORN was screwing with my head? What the crap is that? I've been functionally alone for six days. I almost lost him, and I didn't even fucking know about it till it was over because he was still there and breathing and seeming fine. Still curling up with me at night. Still...

Well, fuck. Anyway, he's here now. And I... I'm going to go enjoy his company while I have it.

Not entirely sure why I've started this. Not really the blogging type, more the reading type. Or the writing things down privately type. But things have gotten so strange lately, and I figure maybe someone out there can help, or at least commiserate.

Because ever since I found that notebook in the park, things have been going wrong.