The Truth, Part 2

I had meant to type up excerpts as I went along, little tidbits of Cam's journals, talking about his life and interactions with me. Reading through them, it's painfully obvious that I underestimated how much of his life revolved around me.

It's humbling, really. It's obvious that the journals were never meant for my eyes. The first one starts the day I got involved with Slender, and they don't miss more than a few days up until his death. So many notebooks, full of his hopes and dreams and fears, and I'm honestly not certain if he ever went more than a page without mentioning me in some way.

And I pieced together a story. Now I know why I don't remember much of anything before I hit twelve.

When we were little, Cam and I were inseparable. Cam had a twin brother named Joey, but he was a bully and neither of us liked playing with him. I only very vaguely remember Joey, but I do remember being scared of him, a little. I told you before of how I woke up in the forest and he was dead. But Cam remembered what happened. Cam and I liked to play in the woods behind our back yards. Our parents didn't mind so long as we didn't go out of range of the walkie talkies they made us carry.

Joey hated the woods-he liked to play inside, didn't like being out with the bugs and the heat and the dirt. But that day he followed us-probably to torment us about something. He caught up to us at exactly the wrong time. We went to our normal spot, where there was a small clearing we liked to play in. For whatever reason the underbrush was almost nonexistent in that part of the forest.
And there he was. Slendershit. Tall and faceless as ever. We didn't know what to do. Cam and I shied away, but Joey walked straight up to him and took his hand. There was a long moment of silence, then he came at us with a rock.

Cam doesn't know what exactly happened next. He says he darted into the hollow tree trunk behind us, and I stood there and tried to fend him off. He remembers a shout from Joey and a scream from me, then a dull thud. When he peeked out, I was clutching a big rock and Joey was on the ground with a big dent in his head. And slendershit had his tentacles out, looking furious, and I stared him down. As Cam recalls it, I stepped forward, dropped the rock, put my hands on my hips and said 'You can't have him'.

Then. 'Take me instead. I'll do whatever you want as long as Cam is safe'

I stepped forward, Slender took my hand, and I started laughing.
He vanished, I passed out, and Cam woke me up and started screaming about a man in the woods and Joey being hurt into our walkies.

Everything looked fine for a little while. They started hunting for the man who killed Joey, ruled that the two of us had undergone trauma from the incident, and life went on mostly as normal.

Until Cam caught me sneaking out into the woods. He followed. Watched me kill.

I killed fifteen people back then. He was there for eight. To talk me down and comfort me when I woke up covered in blood and scared and confused.

And then I killed my brother and my parents. When I snapped out of it, I slipped out the window to go to Cam's. Apparently we used to do that a lot-our bedroom windows faced each other. He let me in through his window and hid me in his closet, trying to talk me down.

It didn't work, they found me, and I got locked up.

Apparently, Cam visited me as often as his parents would allow, but for two years I was completely unresponsive.  I started out heavily sedated, but as time went on, they realized they didn't need to. All I did was stare. And Cam grew more and more worried. After two years, he gave in and decided to do something about it. Cut a deal with slendershit. The past four years would be wiped from my memory, and Cam would be allowed to live long enough to, as he put it 'make sure I recovered enough to make it alone'. In exchange, Cam offered himself as... a toy, basically. To be tormented and kept until I'd recovered enough, and not one moment longer.

And so it was his life. Helping me. Always there, always sacrificing any chance of a real life for himself, because he was going to die. Never saying a word about what he endured-he only rarely mentioned the torments in any detail in the journals and the couple descriptions I found were enough to give me nightmares.

While I was on the street he was frantically trying to find me-he tried to run away once, to come help me. He got caught, wasn't allowed to leave the house unsupervised for months. Never said a word.

That was always the name of the game, I've learned. He did so much for me. Never said anything, never told me what he'd sacrificed, worked so hard to make it seem easy, to make sure I never noticed anything amiss. I spent so much time staying with him, living with him, and he made sure I never even got the slightest hint of his pain. Nor did Jake, really. He knew about me, but Cam was certain that Jake never knew about the torture he went through regularly.

And then the dreams started a couple days after I got out of jail. And he knew that it was a warning-that his time was coming to an end. And he was so fucking relieved. He wanted the end so badly, the only thing that kept him alive was... well, me.

I didn't know.

And now I feel like so much scum, compared to the man who literally gave everything he had to me.

...I'll do you proud, Cam. I promise.

Visitors, Requests, and a Name

I have to say, I honestly didn't expect Hope to take off so quickly. That's the name I've given this place. Hope. Because that's what it is.
In any event, I didn't expect this place to get so popular so quickly. But it's looking like there's going to be twelve people here by next week. So, I'm really excited and proud of how well Cam's dream has paid off. I've got all of you, and as of today I can safely say I think we're as safe as we can be. Mystery was very helpful with some protective mojo we could try, and looking through Cam's notes, he's got some really good ideas, all of which he's incorporated into this place.
I can't promise that it'll work, there's no guarantee, but it seems likely, anyhow.

In other news, we had a visitor today. David, to be precise. I've dealt with him a couple times before. I'm never quite sure what to expect with him because he seems quite fond of me, but he is David, and he's done some terrible things to people.
But, again, he was quite friendly with me. He showed up at the gate and asked to see me, didn't object when I refused to let him inside(Polite or not, he's still a proxy).
I took him out to get dinner at this little diner not too far from Hope. We had a nice chat. I think... I dunno, I think he's fucking lonely or something. I'm not sure what he wants, otherwise. He's not making threats or trying to seduce me to the fucking darkside, just... talking.
I don't really know what it was about, but what I do know is that seeing him like this, I know why TMV was willing to go with him.

In any event,  he's long gone by now. I really just have one more thing to say. Anyone who wants to come stay at Hope needs to email me, and I'll chat with you and hopefully give you directions. For security I'd prefer not to put stuff up in comments about it-I don't want proxies tracking you here.
My email is takethemyth@gmail.com
I hope to hear from anyone who needs me. Hope is here for those who need it.

Hope Spot

I'm writing this to all of you from Austin. I've come home. Sort of. Didn't dare go back to the old apartment. Thankfully, I didn't have to.

Before Cam died, he did a lot of things. Some of them I'll be looking into and documenting later. Some of them are all around me now. Perhaps the most ostentatious is this house. He had a house built. Seven stories, heavily fortified, completely secure against mundane threats.
He arranged to have it completely furnished and ready to go. He told the builders that the key was to go only to me. Not even to him.

So, a week ago, I got a call from the builders. The house was finished. Completely furnished, ready to go. And the needed me to do a walk through and make sure everything was in order. I wasn't about to say no. Cam... always knew what he was doing.
Obviously the hospital stay delayed me some, but today I arrived in Texas, and after meeting up with Lucas and Joel and Josh, I've settled in.

The place is amazing. It could easily fit twenty people, with everyone having their own bedroom.  We've kind of spread out, I think (Though Lucas, Joel, and Josh are on a different floor than me, so I'm not entirely sure what their rooming arrangement is)

Cam left me a letter to go with it. I'll... I'll share it with all of you.

Elaine-
By the time you read this, I'll be gone. It's okay, by now you should know I knew it was coming. I made sure to prepare to have you as taken care of as possible when I died. I'm not... entirely sure when during the building process I went. It doesn't really matter.
I don't know what has happened since I wrote this, what has changed, what new information has come to light. But I had this built for the three of us(two of you, now, I guess).
I want you to make this place as safe as you can, and then I want you to start taking people in. I know, I know, it's supposed to not be safe to do that. But we held out for a while, right? And you've had so much more time to pick this stuff up now. You can make it work.
Help people. You need them as much as they need you. Maybe you've learned that already. I hope you have.
It was my dream to use this house to help them, but that's not possible anymore. So do it for me. Please.
Help them-someone needs to.
-Cam

So what else can I do? It was our dream, before. All of our big plans were to make this happen. It was on my mind anyway. I've been making my own arrangements. Getting things going, reading up on additional ways to keep the house safe.

Lucas, Joel, and Josh are going to help. It's good to have them here. This house would be a bit too empty if they weren't.

So, I guess this is the official announcement. I'm opening this place up. I make no guarantees about safety, though I will tell you that I am going to do everything I can think of, including borrowing ideas from people who've been doing this far longer than me.

If anyone needs a place to stay, get in touch. I can get you here and get you some solid meals, showers, a warm bed. Even just for a few days.

Here's hoping this is actually a good idea.

The Story Continues

You've all seen the most recent issue with Jake. I'm sorry I haven't been posting much about what's actually going on, but the simple fact is that we're all just kind of waiting. We've done what we can, now we're waiting to see how well he deals with the rest. It's nervewracking, but nothing much to talk about. Instead, I want to give you another story. I mentioned already that the 'kidnapping' was actually a rescue. I mentioned also that he came in to talk to me. For obvious reasons this didn't get recorded, and it's been a while, but I'll retell it as best as I can

I wasn't honestly expecting much. Friend or no, Star was still Star, and therefore not used to having a friend. He had a job to do, and he was doing a damn good job of keeping me intact, though of course minor injuries were unavoidable and honestly I didn't mind the chance for a scrap now and again. I didn't exactly care about hurting them, and they weren't allowed to kill me or do anything that would do permanent damage. All part of the charade.
He was keeping me safe and getting me out. I couldn't ask for more than that.

I got it anyway, though.
It was Thursday morning. I'd been there for the better part of a day, and mostly they'd just left me in the room. Someone showed up at regular intervals to taunt me and leave me food, but for the most part they didn't even lay a hand on me-which had to be Star's doing. And then someone knocked

"Yeah?" I called. I probably sounded dead. I know I felt dead.

A muffled order, footsteps walking away. "Can I come in, Lainey?" He sounded gleeful. It was pretty obviously fake. I dared to hope.

I sighed dramatically. "If you must."

I heard the door unlock. He slipped inside, concern clear on his face as he locks the door. "... How are you holding up?"

"They're gone?" I raised an eyebrow.

He laughed a little. "I told Tiger to go walk Jack. This is a more difficult task than it seems..." He hesitated. "Anything you need?"

I couldn't keep my composure anymore. Didn't even bother trying. "Just. If you have a minute? Stay?"

"I shall stay as long as I can." He replied quietly, sitting down beside me.

I sag into him, grateful for the contact and comfort. "Thank you."

He seemed a little disconcerted, but hugged me. "It is what I am here for."

I nod. "You know you're the first friendly contact I've had in almost a week."

"Sad isn't it? Heh. Anything I can do to make you feel better?"

"You're already risking your life to help me." I reply, gratitude bleeding into my voice.

"My job is to attack scared cornered animals. I risk my life every time I leave my bed. Seriously. Anything I can do? Anything." He sounded almost amused at my concern

"... Just don't let go, alright? For a few minutes?" My voice cracked and my eyes were distinctly watery.

"Very Well..." he hugged me tighter.

And finally, for the first time since the police arrived at my apartment, I let myself cry. Probably made him horribly uncomfortable in the process, but I just cried into his shoulder. It was such a relief to have a friend, someone whose shoulder I could cry on, there, in person, to hug me.

He's not really used to that kind of emotion, though, and before long he spoke up, to defuse the awkward, I imagine. "You know... I am trying to find Prosper." he said quietly.

"I. Any luck?"

"None thus far... I am slightly under Prosper on the totem pole, unfortunately. Hence why he can do that... Weird teleporty shit." He sounded uncomfortable, though he made a valiant attempt to try and hide it."Yeah, I figured." I sniffed and wiped at my eyes, pulling away. "Thank you."

He nodded and frowned."I am sorry I am not more help."

"You got me out of there. That's help enough. And this..." A shaky laugh. "I needed this."

"Yet it is not enough... Hmmm... I wonder. Perhaps I could convince everyone to go kill off a random Runner in town somewhere. So you are not trapped in this room for a little while." He sounded thoughtful.

I smiled faintly. "That would be nice. If you think it's doable? I don't want to put you in any more danger than I already am"

"I have been doing this whole 'stalk and kill' bit for a few months now. I can simply tell them I need a break, and that they need to learn to kill without me barking orders." He sounded firm.

I smiled faintly. "Fair enough. It would be nice to get out of the room for a little while. Thank you."

"I shall send them off as soon as I can... Meaning when Jack and Tiger get back. Idiots.... Anything else I can do? What do you usually do when you feel bad?" He looked concerned, nervous. I probably still looked and sounded pretty dead.

I laughed. A real, genuine laugh. "I usually have sex. But somehow I don't think you'd be interested in that one."

He blushed, and suddenly I remembered that he was still barely more than a kid. It's so easy to forget how young he is. "Um. Er. Right. That is. Um. Awkward."

"I'll save that for when I get out of here and meet Nick." I told him with a smile.

"Right. Good. We should probably speed that up then. For your sake." He said with a sigh of relief. I couldn't help but grin at that.

"You'll hear no objections from me." I replied. "Though it is really good to see you."

"Yes indeed... Although... I really should get you back for the ending of our last encounter." It was clear he was teasing.

I raised an eyebrow. "I didn't lay a hand on you at the wedding.""No no. We barely saw each other at the wedding. I am talking about the time I tried to kill you."

"Oh. Right." I rolled my eyes. "You crashed the wedding. We're even."

"Hardly. The wedding would have been crashed with or without me interfering."

I shrug. "Maybe so. But Nee would've failed utterly and caused no damage if it weren't for you."

"Don't be too sure. In addition, if we did not show up, others would have."

I smiled, reading between the lines. Considering the epic failure at the wedding, I'd been suspecting that he'd flubbed it on purpose. The small smile he wore seemed to confirm it. "Okay, fair enough. But I don't think now is the time for that rematch..."

"No, of course not. But considering I am spending lots of time in here, I probably should... Well..." He looked embarrased and apologetic.

I met his eyes squarely. "... Do what you need to do." I sighed

"When I am ready to leave. Not before."

I nod and smile faintly.

"... I suppose I can allow you to hit me back or something, if it makes you feel better." That right there told me how much he was willing to do for me, as if the rest of this hadn't.

A shaky laugh. "Probably be better for you if I didn't."

"Pfft. Why." He looks almost offended. I think he thought I was calling him a wimp or something.

"Makes you look good?" I offered with a weak smile

"When have I ever cared about that?" He seemed amused.

"Well, I care about that." I told him firmly. "I don't want you getting hurt or killed because you don't have quite your old success rate anymore. The little things will help."

"My success rate remains the same." He replied, face unreadable. "And bruises do not affect this rate. Understand this. Father does not give a shit. The Command and my handlers DO."

"Yeah, but they can hurt you too, right? I'd hate to see you getting hallowed again." I'm not sure if my concern showed n my face, but it probably did. Star felt the need to reassure me, anyhow.

"Pfft. Just a hallowing. Nothing I cannot handle." He said looking away briefly to hide the terror on his face.

I put a hand on his shoulder. "You don't have to play tough for me. It's a scary thing."

"Doesn't make it less scary that they're trying to clear out your head though, I bet."
"Who is playing? Heh. I have been through it several times already. It is... Nothing." He sounded nervous. "It is less clearing your head then it is filling your head..."

"Eesh." I hugged him tighter. "Why do you put up with that?

"Because I have no other choice." His voice was carefully neutral

"You could leave?" I cleared my throat. This was the first time I'd really approached the subject with him directly. "I mean. What you do is your own business. But I hate to see them hurting you like this."

"They are the best chance for me to accomplish my goals." He replied firmly.

"What goals are those?" I asked, brow raised.

He looked awkward. "Um... Well. You know. I want to... stay alive?

"Because proxies live forever, right?" I sighed. "Like I said. You do what you want, but it might be smart to get out before they actually manage to find a way to make you a drone."

"And as a drone I would stay alive. Either way. I win." He smiled. "You lose because it wouldn't be you anymore." I tell him. "And why exactly is staying alive more important than your existence as a person?"

"Because it is my existence."

"I consider your existence quite important beyond that one thing, thank you. You're my friend and I want you safe and happy, dammit."

He laughed. "Safe? None of us are safe, none of us will EVER be safe. And Happiness? HA. Our joy will be brief and will disappear before the next tragedy."

"But it's better than never being happy at all." I reply firmly. "And okay, safe is kind of a joke these days. But I'd rather see us all die tomorrow free than have us lose ourselves to his mind control."

"Heh. Whatever you say."

I sigh. "Just think about it.""Maybe..."

I shrug.. "But here I am getting all sappy about people. I guess it's not any of my business

"It is fine. Ugh... So. Where will you go after Nick?" He seemed glad for the topic change

"New York. I'm meeting up with someone."

"It is still Proxy central up there... So be careful." Another concerned look from Star.

I nodded "I know. I'll be careful."

"You had better be...SO. Any clue where Jakey Boy ran off to?"

I sighed. "Not a one. Probably chased Prosper. No idea where he would've ended up."

"He is probably broken, you know." He is again carefully neutral.

"Probably." I agreed, feeling lost. "I'm just hoping this doesn't come back to bite me before I can find him."

"It will somehow, I fear..." The concern was bleeding though again.

I sighed again and sagged against him. "That's what I'm afraid of."

"Well don't be afraid." He replied, a careful arm going around me. "I am here to protect and assist you. From anything short of Father himself."

I smiled at him. "Thank you. Same to you. But I'll stand with you against the tall fucker himself if it comes to it."

He gave me a long look. "I would not allow that, I am afraid."

"Like you could stop me." I reply with a smirk.

He smirked back "Oh, I could. Make no mistake."

"You could try, anyway." I told him firmly.

One pale eyebrow went up. "Is that a challenge?"

"Possibly?" I shrug. "Hopefully it won't come to that"

He sighed "With luck... But when are we... You ever that lucky?"

A long pause. "... You're right. Fuck. Doesn't change my stand."

He laughs a little. "Stubborn."

The look I gave him was all challenge."Damn straight. You say that like it's a surprise."

Another laugh "Not a surprise. Just bothersome. Ha. Why do I even bother..."

And now I was curious. "Why do you even bother what?"

"... Taking care of.... Assisting you. Yes." He looked uncomfortable.
I shrug. "I dunno. That's a good question. Why do you? Not that I'm not grateful, mind."He shrugged back, looking fiercely uncomfortable. "Right. Well then. I should go get everyone out so you can leave this damn room."

I smiled. "Thank you again."

"It is what I am here for... And..." He visibly pulled back and punched me in the face, just hard enough to leave a bruise.

I swore but took it. Better a punch now than us both getting killed later.

"... And there we go. Feel free to hit back." He flashed me an apologetic look.

I pretended to think about it for a moment."Nah. But I wouldn't say no to getting a chance to go after Recluse... Creepy bitch."

He laughs. "I can send her in later, if you want to have a shot at her."

"I think I would enjoy that." I replied.

"Heh. You say that now. I can only stop her from killing you, not beating the ever loving shit out of you. Just a fair warning." More concern.

I shrugged it off and flashed him a cocky smile. "A knock down drag out fight sounds good. Get out some of this emotional bullshit."

He gave me a long look, then nodded. "As long as you don't mind to be on the receiving end of the asskicking... I shall send her in later tonight."

"Wonderful." I replied.

"Heh. Should be funny to watch." He headed for the door, but stopped just in front of it "... Stay strong Elaine. This will be over soon."

I nodded. "Thank you."

Foolishness, Loss, and Another Log

First. It seems I've made an ass of myself on the RtS blog. The comments. I let Steele get to me. Which was a mistake. As I said in my last comment, it was my mistake for letting grief get to me. And I would like to perhaps once again apologize. For being a twat. Even though I was right, I should've been nicer about it. And not started trying to start a fight.

Grief. For those of you who don't know. Emma(Shrodinger) died. She and I were close, considering we travelled together for a month. She was one of the three kindest, sweetest people I have ever met. The love she had for all of us was incredible. Hell, even the Messenger liked her.
I wish I had something eloquent and beautiful to say. She was so poetic, she deserves better than my fumbling prose. But she was a dear friend and I will miss her more than I can possibly say.

In other news, another chat log. Because as much as I want to sit around and mourn, I promised you all I would show you what I see. So I continue with the conversation we had when he decided to come rescue me.

[7/26/2011 1:58:48 AM] Morningstar: Getting drunk AGAIN?
[7/26/2011 1:59:33 AM] Elaine: I'm in a cage. Out there? A bedroom and a bathroom. That's all I have for the next week. Not to mention... Well, you know.
[7/26/2011 2:00:19 AM] Elaine: In any case, I DO NOT LIKE cages.
[7/26/2011 2:00:23 AM] Morningstar: Do you want OUT of the Cage?
[7/26/2011 2:00:49 AM] Elaine: Um. Yes? But there's not much I can do that wouldn't make me a fucking fugitive.
[7/26/2011 2:01:08 AM] Morningstar: Do you want me to come GET you out of the Cage?
[7/26/2011 2:01:36 AM] Elaine: Ah-can you do that? Without getting into trouble for not murdering me?"
[7/26/2011 2:01:54 AM] Morningstar: Yes. Easily. I can say I am trying to bait Sage.
[7/26/2011 2:02:39 AM] Elaine: Thank you.
[7/26/2011 2:02:48 AM] Elaine: So, why exactly are you willing to risk your ass to do this?
[7/26/2011 2:03:00 AM] Morningstar:  I dislike seeing you like this.
[7/26/2011 2:05:11 AM] Morningstar: So anyway. Elaine. Do you want me to "rescue" you or not?
[7/26/2011 2:05:22 AM] Elaine: Yes. If you can. That would be wonderful.
[7/26/2011 2:06:56 AM] Morningstar: I'll even give you a ride in the Killdozer Lainey. How does that sound?
[7/26/2011 2:07:13 AM] Elaine: Sounds fun.
[7/26/2011 2:07:45 AM] Elaine: The only problem is, I have no idea where the fuck I am. Austin's a big place, and we might've gone somewhere else entirely.
[7/26/2011 2:08:24 AM] Morningstar: We have Resources. It is a matter of using them effectively.
[7/26/2011 2:09:37 AM] Elaine: Like what...
[7/26/2011 2:10:45 AM] Morningstar: Hmmm... I wonder if... MY GOD. I KNOW HOW TO FIND YOU LAINEY.
[7/26/2011 2:10:58 AM] Elaine: Wait. You do?
[7/26/2011 2:11:05 AM] Morningstar: Yes, I DO.
[7/26/2011 2:11:10 AM] Morningstar: It will take some time though.
[7/26/2011 2:11:19 AM] Elaine: How's that, then? Like I said, I don't even know where I am.
[7/26/2011 2:11:28 AM] Morningstar: Trust Me.
[7/26/2011 2:11:46 AM] Elaine: What, did you stick a tracking device on me at the wedding or when you jumped me?

[7/26/2011 2:12:05 AM] Elaine: I... thanks. And... Um. Make it look like you're taking me hostage or something? Otherwise I might get arrested later.
[7/26/2011 2:12:20 AM] Morningstar: Well OBVIOUSLY. My Slender-Tracker. That I got from the Slendermobile inside my Slendercave. No. Not a tracking device.
[7/26/2011 2:12:42 AM] Morningstar: Of course you will be my hostage.
[7/26/2011 2:12:47 AM] Elaine: Heh, that would be pretty sweet
[7/26/2011 2:12:51 AM] Morningstar: We Do actually have a Slendercave.
[7/26/2011 2:13:03 AM] Morningstar: Several.
[7/26/2011 2:13:08 AM] Elaine: Um.  What.
[7/26/2011 2:13:46 AM] Morningstar: Of course. We are well funded and have lots of Flamboyant Rich Maniacs
[7/26/2011 2:14:16 AM] Elaine: Fair enough
[7/26/2011 2:14:25 AM] Elaine: You mean like that Rhodes douchecanoe?
[7/26/2011 2:14:37 AM] Morningstar: Sort of. Most are more competent.
[7/26/2011 2:14:51 AM] Elaine: Ooooh, fair enough.

Let Me Show You

I want to show you all what I see. Because giving you a sweeping overview isn't the same as showing you conversations, interactions that we had that made me trust him, made me care.

This was the first point where I started really trusting him. An IM conversation from the night after Cam died. He messaged me.  We'd been talking for a couple weeks, but the fact that he messaged me to comfort me? That was the point right there where he became a dear friend instead of just someone I talked to.

[7/24/2011 4:57:37 AM] Morningstar: Do you think that there is an afterlife. For good people?
[7/24/2011 4:58:21 AM] Elaine: No. I'd like to think there is, but... no. God and the afterlife are just fairy tales we tell ourselves to try and keep from being afraid of the dark.
[7/24/2011 4:58:57 AM] Morningstar: I see.
[7/24/2011 5:01:05 AM] Morningstar: I believe... With all my heart, mind and soul... That there is a life after death. And that Cam is there... With the few others worthy of going to Paradise.
[7/24/2011 5:02:18 AM] Elaine: You believe in heaven? Not to be rude... but how could someone do what you do and believe in heaven and hell?
[7/24/2011 5:03:00 AM] Morningstar: It feels right to me. I can tell when things do not feel right. "Father"...
[7/24/2011 5:03:19 AM] Morningstar: Morningstar says Father with a hint of hate
[7/24/2011 5:03:26 AM] Morningstar: ... For example.
[7/24/2011 5:03:39 AM] Morningstar: But Heaven has always felt different to me.
[7/24/2011 5:03:44 AM] Elaine: Then why...
[7/24/2011 5:04:28 AM] Morningstar: When I read about it, hear of it... I believe it. Despite logic telling me otherwise. I know it to be true, without any evidence. And that is strangely... All the evidence I need.
[7/24/2011 5:04:45 AM] Morningstar: I will never go there of course.
[7/24/2011 5:05:34 AM] Elaine: I wish I had your faith. But I can't. I just can't. Not after... But um. Thank you.
[7/24/2011 5:05:48 AM] Elaine: I fucking hope you're right.
[7/24/2011 5:05:54 AM] Morningstar: I know I am right.
[7/24/2011 5:06:11 AM] Morningstar: Nevertheless. Vengeance is required.
[7/24/2011 5:06:19 AM] Elaine: Yes. Of course.
[7/24/2011 5:07:03 AM] Elaine: Your side... enhanced him, so it won't be easy. But I'll do it if it kills me. And yes that's the only time you'll ever hear those words out of my mouth.
[7/24/2011 5:07:37 AM] Morningstar: If he so much as scratches you, I am going to send him to hell myself.
[7/24/2011 5:07:59 AM] Elaine:  Thanks.
[7/24/2011 5:08:27 AM | Edited 5:08:36 AM] Morningstar: Much as part of me wants to. I cannot kill you, or let you be killed.
[7/24/2011 5:08:40 AM] Elaine:  Yeah. Same here.
[7/24/2011 5:09:07 AM] Morningstar: Kindness is a rare thing, I have found.
[7/24/2011 5:09:37 AM] Elaine: Yeah. Cam was... He was unique.
[7/24/2011 5:09:59 AM] Elaine: He knew. About me? What I am. He didn't care.
[7/24/2011 5:10:29 AM] Morningstar: Indeed. Naive. Stupid. A complete moron when it comes to the ways of the world. That is obvious. But he was more worthy of living than you or I. Especially Me.
[7/24/2011 5:10:58 AM] Elaine: Don't kid yourself, I'm as big a monster as you. Maybe more, because I trick so many of them into thinking I'm not.
[7/24/2011 5:11:32 AM] Morningstar: No. You are a better monster. More effective. But not as evil.
[7/24/2011 5:11:43 AM] Elaine: Heh, thanks.
[7/24/2011 5:12:05 AM] Morningstar: This does not mean I cannot kick your ass if I wanted to, mind you.
[7/24/2011 5:12:16 AM] Elaine: But you don't know the first thing about my past to make that value judgement.
[7/24/2011 5:12:27 AM] Elaine:  Right.
[7/24/2011 5:12:37 AM] Elaine: We're a lot more alike than you think.
[7/24/2011 5:12:46 AM] Morningstar: Sadly. Cam reminded me of...
[7/24/2011 5:12:59 AM] Elaine: Of?
[7/24/2011 5:13:24 AM] Elaine: Of who?
[7/24/2011 5:13:33 AM] Morningstar: My... Brother.
[7/24/2011 5:13:48 AM] Morningstar: The same naive stupidity.
[7/24/2011 5:14:40 AM] Elaine: What... what really happened? If you don't want to answer, you don't have to. But...I'll trade you a story for a story.
[7/24/2011 5:15:06 AM] Morningstar: What happened with my brother? You mean his death? Or his life?
[7/24/2011 5:15:19 AM] Elaine: The two seem like they would go together.
[7/24/2011 5:16:09 AM] Morningstar: He was the favorite. Obviously. Suffered none of the indignities I faced. Never scolded, babied... Got everything he ever wanted.
[7/24/2011 5:16:51 AM] Morningstar: Yet. He was seemingly the first person who did not consider me trash.
[7/24/2011 5:16:58 AM] Morningstar: Brothers after all.
[7/24/2011 5:17:32 AM] Morningstar: Of course, the few times he tried to do anything to improve my situation, I was punished for it.
[7/24/2011 5:17:40 AM] Elaine: Ouch
[7/24/2011 5:18:08 AM] Morningstar: He was something of an out-doors lover as well. Hated being cooped up in his room.
[7/24/2011 5:18:32 AM] Morningstar: So I had to serve as a "Protector" when Mother and Father were too busy.
[7/24/2011 5:18:40 AM] Elaine: Mhm
[7/24/2011 5:19:45 AM] Morningstar: And then one day, after a beating and a scolding, I witnessed him get a new present. A Boat thing. To play with in the nearby lake.
[7/24/2011 5:20:01 AM] Elaine: ...
[7/24/2011 5:20:30 AM] Morningstar: And then my first murder happened. And to this day, the only one I really regret.
[7/24/2011 5:20:49 AM] Elaine: Did you do it on purpose?
[7/24/2011 5:21:06 AM] Morningstar: Yes. And No.
[7/24/2011 5:21:20 AM | Edited 5:21:29 AM] Morningstar: Anger is a terrible thing.
[7/24/2011 5:21:31 AM] Elaine: Ah. That I can understand.
[7/24/2011 5:22:10 AM] Morningstar: I remember my unhappiness. Then I remember watching the light leave his eyes.
[7/24/2011 5:22:31 AM] Morningstar: And I broke that stupid boat too.
[7/24/2011 5:22:49 AM] Elaine: I'm sorry.
[7/24/2011 5:23:09 AM] Morningstar: You are the only one.
[7/24/2011 5:23:32 AM] Elaine: Like I said. We're more alike than you think.
[7/24/2011 5:23:53 AM] Morningstar: Perhaps. Your turn.
[7/24/2011 5:25:53 AM] Elaine: I'll admit right now, when I was little I had everything. My parents were well off, and they spoiled me. For eight years I was the picture of a happy child. And then things changed
[7/24/2011 5:27:25 AM] Elaine: I was told later that I was a sociopath, that I had multiple personalities. Some people never did believe what really happened. But kids started disappearing, and they were all kids that I wasn't exactly happy with. I still remember some of them, whatever people have told me.
[7/24/2011 5:28:50 AM] Elaine: My parents never believed it was me. Until they did. And then they were gone too. It's strange. I don't... I don't remember them at all. But they found me with the bodies all the same. That's how I ended up getting Prosper after me. They sent me to an asylum. Because ten year old girls don't just kill their parents.
[7/24/2011 5:29:17 AM] Elaine: As it turns out, that asylum has Prosper working for it. And he's going after everyone he knew while he worked there.
[7/24/2011 5:29:38 AM] Elaine: So, It's pretty directly my fault that Cam's dead. And I can't tell anyone.
[7/24/2011 5:29:47 AM] Morningstar: Who is Prosper? Really.
[7/24/2011 5:29:48 AM] Elaine: Because WHAT WOULD THEY SAY?
[7/24/2011 5:30:14 AM] Elaine: He used to be an orderly. I don't know what happened since then. I just know he showed up and started taunting Shady.
[7/24/2011 5:31:19 AM] Morningstar: I am sorry. I truly am.
[7/24/2011 5:31:22 AM] Elaine: So, you could've been right all along.
[7/24/2011 5:31:52 AM] Elaine: Maybe I am just a sociopath.
[7/24/2011 5:32:08 AM] Morningstar: You aren't. I am sure of that.
[7/24/2011 5:32:21 AM] Elaine: Thanks.
[7/24/2011 5:32:41 AM] Morningstar: Prosper will pay. Dearly.
[7/24/2011 5:33:16 AM] Elaine: Definitely.
[7/24/2011 5:33:39 AM] Morningstar: I will do what... I can... To help.
[7/24/2011 5:34:02 AM] Elaine: That... thank you.
[7/24/2011 5:35:11 AM] Morningstar: Hahaha. Strange. Becoming a Slave to Him has lead to me gaining... A Friend.
[7/24/2011 5:36:11 AM] Elaine: I wish there was something I could do... about the slave bit. The friend bit I'm pretty happy with.
[7/24/2011 5:36:41 AM] Morningstar: I chose the Slave bit. He is a better "Father" than my actual Father after all.
[7/24/2011 5:37:06 AM] Elaine: That doesn't make him a good one. And I don't want to see you killed because of a poor career choice.
[7/24/2011 5:37:40 AM] Morningstar: It does make him better. He is a lot better than most humans I have met. Most.
[7/24/2011 5:38:09 AM] Elaine: You deserved a lot better than you got. You know that, right?
[7/24/2011 5:38:37 AM] Morningstar: Doubtful.
[7/24/2011 5:39:26 AM] Elaine:  No, but just think about it for a moment. Imagine how different this all could've turned out if you hadn't had slime for parents.
[7/24/2011 5:39:59 AM] Morningstar: You'll have to forgive me. That is a bit hard for me to imagine.
[7/24/2011 5:40:19 AM] Elaine: I guess that's fair.
[7/24/2011 5:40:32 AM] Morningstar: In a way... I think you have had it far worse than me.
[7/24/2011 5:40:46 AM] Elaine:  Heh. How do you figure?
[7/24/2011 5:40:58 AM] Morningstar: You know what you lost. I have no idea what I have never had.
[7/24/2011 5:41:16 AM] Morningstar: Makes it easier I guess.
[7/24/2011 5:42:51 AM] Elaine: I... I still wish you would've had the chance. Even for just a little while. To know what it is to really be loved like that. To have a family.
[7/24/2011 5:43:39 AM] Morningstar: Perhaps. Might have been nice for a while. But I can't help but feel I deserved this somehow. Or that it was Fated.
[7/24/2011 5:44:53 AM] Elaine: You deserve happiness a lot more than most people. And if that's fate, then whoever's pulling the strings up there is a douchebag.
[7/24/2011 5:45:34 AM] Morningstar: I certainly don't deserve happiness at this point.
[7/24/2011 5:46:40 AM] Elaine: And you think I do? You never had a fair shot. I screwed up the one I had.
[7/24/2011 5:47:46 AM] Morningstar: Well. I think about the time I severed an infants head, lit it on fire and played baseball with it, I began to live up to expectations.
[7/24/2011 5:48:01 AM] Morningstar: Wonder if Mother and Father are proud of me.
[7/24/2011 5:48:30 AM] Elaine: Um. That was... I've done shit like that too...
[7/24/2011 5:48:52 AM] Morningstar: No... Probably not. My recent fuck-ups would probably have earned me a nice beating.
[7/24/2011 5:49:42 AM] Elaine: They were douchebags and they're better off gone. They don't have to matter anymore.
[7/24/2011 5:50:46 AM] Morningstar: Yet they do. I am living proof of their work. Lots of Scars serve as reminders. It's lovely.
[7/24/2011 5:51:42 AM] Morningstar: On the plus side, thanks to them, I can take a beating that would kill lesser men.
[7/24/2011 5:51:53 AM] Elaine: That's not...
[7/24/2011 5:51:58 AM] Elaine: I'm sorry.
[7/24/2011 5:52:17 AM] Morningstar: As I said. You are the only one.
[7/24/2011 5:52:32 AM] Elaine: Well then I'm damn glad I'm here.
[7/24/2011 5:53:10 AM] Morningstar: I doubt your boyfriend is sorry. I somewhat doubt he would even give a damn about my past.
[7/24/2011 5:53:43 AM] Elaine: I honestly don't know. He might. But I think the whole trying to kill his friends thing made you a bit of a blind spot.
[7/24/2011 5:54:09 AM] Elaine: I dunno. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother keeping up appearances.
[7/24/2011 5:55:04 AM] Morningstar: There is about no reason. It is kind odd though. I try to kill you and your friends, and you don't mind. I try to kill Sage's, and suddenly we are mortal enemies.
[7/24/2011 5:58:00 AM] Elaine: I keep up appearances because they're the only allies I have, and no offense, I don't fancy my odds on your side. Plus... I want to be better. It's insane and pointless, but I don't WANT to be a killer for the rest of my life. It's a bit too late for that, I guess. As for the rest, if you actually made a serious attempt on one of the few people I cared about, before you became one of them? We wouldn't be here right now.But you never really did. I can't blame him for being protective of his friends. So long as he doesn't try to kill you, there's no real conflict. He lets me do my own thing when you're involved.
[7/24/2011 5:58:12 AM] Elaine: Lets me is the wrong word. He doesn't mind if I do my own thing.
[7/24/2011 5:58:28 AM] Elaine: That makes it sound worse than it is.
[7/24/2011 5:58:57 AM] Morningstar: Hehehe. Do you really love him?
[7/24/2011 5:59:34 AM] Elaine: Love him? No. But I could. We've barely known each other for a month. You know enough of my history to know why I wouldn't let that happen.
[7/24/2011 5:59:57 AM] Morningstar: I didn't think so. You want to avoid hurting him?
[7/24/2011 6:00:41 AM] Elaine: That too. But mostly I'll be damned if I put myself in a position where someone can hurt ME like Mark did. I made sure he never would again, I'm not about to let anyone else do the same.
[7/24/2011 6:01:01 AM] Elaine: Not that I think he would, but... It's better to be safe.
[7/24/2011 6:01:27 AM] Morningstar: Understood. You know you are going to destroy him when the truth comes out, right?
[7/24/2011 6:02:33 AM] Elaine: I don't see any reason that it should come out. If that changes, I'll tell him myself. It's not like he instantly gets the right to know everything about me because we went on a date.
[7/24/2011 6:02:58 AM] Morningstar: The truth always comes out sooner or later.
[7/24/2011 6:03:18 AM] Elaine: I guess so. You going to keep trying to encourage it along?
[7/24/2011 6:03:27 AM] Morningstar: No.
[7/24/2011 6:03:41 AM] Elaine: Thank you.
[7/24/2011 6:03:52 AM] Morningstar: Frankly I don't give a damn about Sage in the least. But hurting him is hurting you.
[7/24/2011 6:04:07 AM] Elaine: As far as I know, you're the only one alive anymore that knows the truth. Other than me.
[7/24/2011 6:04:47 AM] Morningstar: What an honor. I can practically assure you I will not be alive much longer though.
[7/24/2011 6:05:01 AM] Elaine: Don't say that. We'll think of something.
[7/24/2011 6:05:16 AM] Morningstar: Death is the only way out.
[7/24/2011 6:05:55 AM] Elaine: I thought you were the one who believes in afterlifes. An eternity of torment doesn't really seem like an 'out'.
[7/24/2011 6:06:22 AM | Edited 6:06:28 AM] Morningstar: Out of the frying pan. Into the hellfire.
[7/24/2011 6:06:40 AM] Elaine: Yeah. That doesn't seem like an improvement.
[7/24/2011 6:06:50 AM] Morningstar: It won't be. But it is too late now.
[7/24/2011 6:07:20 AM] Elaine: There HAS to be something we can do.
[7/24/2011 6:08:02 AM] Morningstar: No. There does not have to be. Not everything is mortal. Killable. Beatable.
[7/24/2011 6:08:46 AM] Elaine: DAMMIT STAR I'M NOT GIVING UP ON YOU. I'm not losing you too. Not now.
[7/24/2011 6:09:21 AM] Morningstar: No. Not now. In the coming weeks... Perhaps.
[7/24/2011 6:10:12 AM] Elaine: No. We're going to think of something becase I'm a selfish cunt who refuses to give up another friend so soon after Cam. You understand?
[7/24/2011 6:11:20 AM] Morningstar: Hahaha. Careful Lainey. You may be starting to forget priority number one. Your Survival.
[7/24/2011 6:12:48 AM |Elaine: Fuck survival. I have a list. It's a very small list. It has everyone whom I would actually risk my life to protect. Cam's name was on it. So is yours.
[7/24/2011 6:13:14 AM] Elaine: Everyone else can go fuck themselves, but the people on the list are my priority.
[7/24/2011 6:13:40 AM] Morningstar: Ha. Sadly, the people on that list have their own lists. Guess who's name is on them?
[7/24/2011 6:14:15 AM] Morningstar: I am certain Cam is happy it was him and not you or Jake.
[7/24/2011 6:15:37 AM] Elaine: Yeah, well, from what I can tell he never woke up to be happy about it. I've wasted my second chance. And my third. Everyone on my list deserves another chance more than I.
[7/24/2011 6:16:25 AM] Morningstar: You have not murdered infants and decorated their cribs with their entrails.
[7/24/2011 6:17:39 AM] Elaine: No, but I have murdered kids only a few years older than that.  I started kiling before I hit puberty. YEARS before I hit puberty. I've done a lot of bad things since then. I CONTINUE to do bad things, because apparently that's all I'm really good for.
[7/24/2011 6:18:17 AM] Morningstar: Yet you also do good things. Unlike myself.
[7/24/2011 6:18:47 AM] Elaine: Yep. I do plenty of good. Which will all be undone when they find out the truth about me.
[7/24/2011 6:20:59 AM] Elaine: This is it, I have to go. I hope I survive to see you again, Star.
[7/24/2011 6:21:36 AM] Morningstar: You will. And when you do, I am afraid I am going to have to kick your ass for making me get all weepy.
[7/24/2011 6:21:59 AM] Elaine: Of course. G'bye Star.
[7/24/2011 6:22:06 AM] Morningstar: Goodbye.

The House

So, we've arrived here at the House, as of a few hours ago. It's... interesting. I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't this. It's... fucking huge, for one thing. And it feels very... I dunno, empty. Maybe it's because the wing they've got me in is almost completely empty, but it just feels too quiet for a house with seven people living in it.

In any event, we arrived... late this morning, after getting horribly lost. I wish I remembered more of the approach but I fell asleep in the car. I woke up inside, in a bed. Took me a minute to figure out what had happened, but Spence was waiting for me outside.

He showed me around, got me some food, told me a bit more about the House. It all felt so... I dunno, peaceful. Nice to have something so domestic and comfortable in the middle of this. It's... I dunno, it's looking like I may honestly have some time to sit back and digest and plan my next move.

Also. Spencer gave me a key. He says he doesn't know what it opens, and I certainly don't, but he's given me free reign to find out. Which is in fact why I am cutting this post short. I've got exploring to do. And hopefully meeting at least some of the rest of the couriers in the process. It feels strange being in their House without having ever met them.

Introduction

So, I probably should have done this first, but in the general overload of information and fear, somehow I forgot the niceties and went straight to freaking out at the internet. Uhm, whups.
Hi, I'm Elane. I'm Twenty three years old, and a freshman in the college of my dreams, where I'm studying Folklore. Yes, I started late. This is because I made stupid decisions when I was younger and spent several years without any money to spare for food, much less college.
Urban Legends, ghost stories, and the like are my passions, though as I tend to stick to my specific corner of the internet, I'd only vaguely heard about Slendy before.
Then, about a week ago, I was walking home through the park across the street from my house (which is pretty heavily wooded), and I found a notebook. Specifically, one completely filled with random messages and sketches. Nothing I saw identified it to me, but it was interesting, so I took it home and showed it to my roommate.
Who suggested it might have to do with Slendy, because of the sketches of him that are spread throughout the thing.
I did some research. The thing is COVERED in Operator symbols, and a lot of the imagery and ranting are consistent with the notebooks from JAF, as well as the sketches that are referenced in pretty much every Slendyblog I've found so far. Silly me, I was excited. I thought it was a great chance to see an urban legend in action. I started reading up on the blogs, caught up on Marble Hornets, got really excited. But things were starting to happen. I didn't pay any attention at first, because I thought it was just paranoia. These tales are terrifying.
But The feeling of being watched just got worse and worse. And I couldn't quite convince myself it was safe to walk through the park. My roommate and I both started keeping the curtains tightly drawn. We didn't talk about it. It just felt safer. And all the same, if my cat hadn't started going mad at my bedroom window, I would have chalked it up to paranoia. I didn't dare open the blinds to peek.
But then last night I was at a party, and THEIR windows weren't completely covered. But I wouldn't look. Nothing on earth could have made me look. Until their speakers started buzzing. Not the speakers for the music, that were on and going. The ones in the back room where I was sitting talking with a couple friends. The ones that were attached to a computer THAT WAS TURNED OFF. They start buzzing,and the set up is right in front of a window that's only partially covered. I looked, without thinking. And there he was. Cam was there with me, and he saw too. We both slept on the couch there that night-nothing was going to make us go home in the dark with  him outside.
So, we're kind of fucked. And it's probably my fault that he's stuck with it too. I don't know what exactly I'm hoping for, posting this. Maybe commiseration? Maybe just someplace to swear the air blue where Cam doesn't have to deal with my freakouts? Maybe I just have to have SOMEPLACE to say things, otherwise I'll go mad.
In any case, if anyone's reading this that has any advice to offer? It would be much appreciated.

Clarification

Okay, to clarify, nothing's actually chasing me. Yet. But I'm not stupid. I know the signs, I've done my research, and when you find a notebook with strange pictures of slenderman and odd scrawls and PLASTERED in Operator signs, you start paying attention.
Especially when you found it in the heavily wooded park you can see from your apartment window. I honestly thought it was just a myth, some stupid story cooked up by the SA trolls. But the previous owner of the notebook is missing, and I'm starting to see him in the corner of my eye when I'm walking home.
In fact, I stopped walking through the park in the hopes that if I stay away from the trees maybe he wouldn't come.
I haven't seen him properly yet, but I feel his eyes staring.
Maybe I'm just paranoid. I hope to god I'm just paranoid. But my cat seems to be convinced there's something here. Last night she spent an hour angrily meowing at my window. She's NEVER done that before.

Not entirely sure why I've started this. Not really the blogging type, more the reading type. Or the writing things down privately type. But things have gotten so strange lately, and I figure maybe someone out there can help, or at least commiserate.

Because ever since I found that notebook in the park, things have been going wrong.