The Truth

There's really no way to start this but to apologize. Yeah, I never told you guys any of this. But I didn't make much of a secret of the fact that I was in prison, and honestly, it's been fourteen years. I just wanted to leave my fucked up childhood behind me. I don't talk about it, I don't think about it, I do everything humanly possible to pretend that it never fucking happened.

I've been sitting here trying to tell my story for the past few hours. I can't. I can't tell it again, I can't. I told TMV while I was at his house. The whole story of my life, for you to hear and judge. Because I won't have people accusing me of lying anymore. 

Here it is.

That's the truth of it. I've been a terrible person for most of my life. I've done horrible things. But I've been fighting with everything I have to change, for Cam and for myself. Because I realized while in that jail cell that I didn't want to be the woman I'd been. I wanted to be something Cam could be proud of, after everything he'd done for me.

If you can't forgive me, then fine. I understand.

But I've worked hard to change, and I keep doing so every day.

An Alternate Point of View

I didn't hack the blog. For those of you who have actually read this whole account you'll know that I have the password because Cam gave it to me. For whatever reason, Elaine hasn't changed it yet.
Yes, hello, this is Jake. Seems Elaine has a lot more of a following these days. All due to her lies and deception, no doubt.
Yes, I know the truth about the woman you all know and love. This woman you work with so closely, trust with your secrets, trust to work for the good of the runners. And I'm more than happy to share the truth with all of you. But first, so that you know why I'm telling you all of this, some background on me.

I met Cam four years ago, when we were both in school. I was taking my leave from the Army for school, and we met in a class. I probably never would've even had the chance to talk to him, except he ended up my lab partner. I'd never actually dated a man before, though I'd had encounters of more physical kinds, but Cam was so sweet and so good that I fell for him hard. He seemed to reciprocate, judging by the glances and smiles and blushes, but he refused any and all offers of dinner or movies or coffee.
He rushed home after class every day, to sit alone by the phone. The semester was almost over by the time I figured out why. One day his phone rang in the middle of lecture and he looked at it and ran out of the room. Got himself into a lot of trouble in the doing.
He was missing in class for a week. When he came back, he was exhausted and falling asleep all over our work, but beaming. And then he told me about Elaine. Not much, of course not, so much of her is so secret. But. He told me about this friend from his childhood who was in trouble and needed a place to hide out for a few days. He let it slip that it was dangerous, but he didn't care. He was surprised when I called him on it, told him he shouldn't risk his life. He said that he had to look after Elaine, and that was that.
Even so, he invited me to have dinner with me that night. And thus we were dating.
He was always so soft and kind and innocent, so very in love with me and with Elaine, and he worked so hard to keep us getting along. He and I only really got serious when she went to jail and he didn't need to worry about her needing a place to stay at a moment's notice.
I was always acutely aware that no matter how much he loved me, how much I fought and begged to free him from her grasp, everything he was belonged to her first, and she never hesitated to make use of that. Ever.
The wedding was the first time he ever did anything for me before her.
But, because of her, it was wrecked.
Because of her, only a few days later I woke to find my lover bleeding out quietly on the bed next to me.
Because of her I chased a phantom out the door after he killed my husband.
Because of her I spent three weeks in a forest without end, hunted like an animal and getting ripped limb from limb every sunset.
Because of her I spent two weeks in a false heaven where my Cam was alive and Elaine wasn't there. She'd never existed and Cam was so much happier without her. Then that man showed up and tore me from my paradise to set me loose on the world.
Because Cam is dead and I need to set things right.

Let me clarify. I don't want to kill her. It might be nice to end her in such a visceral way, but the most important thing is for her to be exposed for what she is.

She is not some good, kind, noble woman. She's a killer. She killed for the first time when she was eight years old. The victim? Cam's twin brother, Joey. She then proceeded to kill fifteen people, mostly children, ending in her brother Lewis and her parents. The police found her hiding in Cam's closet. You can look it up, it made the national news. Her birth name was Melanie Brown, and it was back in New Jersey.
I don't know the details of those two years, Cam wouldn't tell me much, but I know she did it.
After that, I don't know much. She spent some time in an asylum, then ran away when she got out, but I know she was working for someone big and dangerous-possibly killing for them- when I met Cam. Of course, she went to jail for drugs, so it could have been just that.
All I do know is that she used Cam at every turn for his whole life. She shows no concern or remorse for people, she has no real feelings to speak of. Cam used to cry about 'his poor broken Elaine'.
There was nothing I could do.

I just want the woman who destroyed my Cam's life to see justice.

Happy Birthday to Me?

I'm not entirely sure how, but August found out that yesterday was my birthday. I'm twenty four. I didn't much feel like celebrating.

I'd honestly hoped I could get by without people knowing. The only people other than me who should have known were Cam and Jake, and they're not exactly around to tell people about it. I don't... Cam always made a big deal about it. Every year, no matter where I was, where he was, he'd make sure to do everything he could to make my birthday special. Even when he didn't know where I was, he'd call me and keep me on the phone for hours, talking to me and trying to brighten my day. I... My birthday was always the day I spent with him. So, I kind of hoped to forget it this year.

But. August threw a party. And it was all of us here at the house, and there was enough food to feed a family for a week and he was just so pleased with it. I couldn't say no. And it... it almost felt nice. Even with Doc drinking two feet from me and making me ache with the need for a glass. Because it almost felt like being part of a family again.

Of course, it didn't last. We hadn't even gotten past August's appetizers when Spencer bolted. I followed. We both saw something. I... I don't want to talk about it.

August, I'm sorry we ruined your dinner. It was delicious, I just...
I need to be alone for a while. You know where to find me if you need me.

The Wing

Apparently I've hit the time limit on being allowed to relax, though I guess some of this, at least, is my fault. 

To start with the first thing, I guess, I woke up way early this morning to go try something I've been wanting to attempt since I first started making plans to come to the house. It was potentially life threatening, reckless, stupid, and insane, but since when has that ever stopped me?

So I woke up and slipped through a certain set of doors into the East Wing in the early morning hours. For those of you who don't read their blog, it has been described as a nightmare zone with twisting, changing corridors and apparently some kind of supernatural effect on people even outside of it. Now, Slendershit aside, I'm not exactly a big believer in the supernatural, but I figured there had to be something.

I don't know what I expected, after the crazy stories that have been told about it. What I definitely didn't expect was what I found. A couple of long, dusty corridors. A lot of empty rooms. Nothing at all of interest. I don't fucking get it.

The place is supposed to be nightmare inducing... not sneeze inducing. I kept looking, I checked every fucking room, looking for something that would explain it. I didn't find anything, but Spencer found me. He seemed amused, which pissed me right the fuck off. By the time he showed up, I'd worked myself up about it, I guess, because for a moment I thought I actually saw something. But it went away quickly and upon reflection it wasn't even the same sort of hallucination that people tend to associate with the Wing.

Spence wouldn't tell me shit, and so when he left I went to talk to August. The kid tried his best to be helpful, and it's clear he really believed what he was telling me, but... that shit doesn't just happen. I'm finding it more likely that there was a gas leak or something that Spencer fixed recently. Because hallways don't just move around. So that's my theory and I'm sticking to it. Sorry guys. I know you all believe this, but... you realize how insane it is, right?

In other news, it turns out my security measures for Shrody didn't even last a full day. I'm... I'm going to try and find her, try and save her, but she was taken from an airport. She could be anywhere by now... By the time I find her it may be too late, and I unfortunately have a promise to keep that means if I haven't found her within the next few days I may not be able to.

More on that promise when it's safe to discuss.

I should head out again, I think I may have offended August a little by not believing him, I should go apologize...

Hopefully This Works

Shrody's gone. I put her on a plane this morning. I took some time last night to get her an apartment and a bank account somewhere far away from me and New York and anyone who knows to wish her harm. I don't expect that alone to keep her safe forever, but it should buy her some time in safety. If proxies come calling, she knows how to reach me, and I'll get her out of there.

For now... I'm about to attempt something insanely dangerous and probably pretty stupid. I'd prefer to keep the people I put at risk here to a minimum.

I realize that's perhaps a little ironic since I'm staying in a place with more people in it than I've interacted with since the wedding. But the point stands. Even though I will miss her and Frank both.

Also. MrStumblr died. He didn't exactly have a whole lot of people he talked to, but we've interacted a lot. I... I wasn't exactly easy on him, he had done some bad shit, but apparently he thought I hated him. 

He... He left Spence a delivery request. The bastard thought he was about to die, and what are the two things he tries to do? Leave his girlfriend his money and send me a fucking apology bouquet.

I am starting to think I may be even more of a cunt than I previously thought.

On a happier note, the worst of the withdrawals is done. I'm back in business, bitches!

Also, the House is great. Shrody found it unsettling, but for whatever reason I'm really comfortable here. Not entirely certain if that's a good thing or not...

In any event. I'm going to finally catch back up on my sleep, I think. Expect me to be perhaps a little scarce over the next couple days. 

The House

So, we've arrived here at the House, as of a few hours ago. It's... interesting. I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't this. It's... fucking huge, for one thing. And it feels very... I dunno, empty. Maybe it's because the wing they've got me in is almost completely empty, but it just feels too quiet for a house with seven people living in it.

In any event, we arrived... late this morning, after getting horribly lost. I wish I remembered more of the approach but I fell asleep in the car. I woke up inside, in a bed. Took me a minute to figure out what had happened, but Spence was waiting for me outside.

He showed me around, got me some food, told me a bit more about the House. It all felt so... I dunno, peaceful. Nice to have something so domestic and comfortable in the middle of this. It's... I dunno, it's looking like I may honestly have some time to sit back and digest and plan my next move.

Also. Spencer gave me a key. He says he doesn't know what it opens, and I certainly don't, but he's given me free reign to find out. Which is in fact why I am cutting this post short. I've got exploring to do. And hopefully meeting at least some of the rest of the couriers in the process. It feels strange being in their House without having ever met them.

Fire

Fuck. Got careless, got sloppy, and it's ended badly. Shrody and I have come out of this with our skins intact, anyway, and Frank's still being his usual loving self, so it could be a lot worse.
Still, I lost half of my notes, including all of Alice's notes AND her notebook itself.  Not to mention the fear that comes when you get stupid enough to think you might be safe and something terrible happens.

See, we hit a motel a little early tonight. I know I haven't been sleeping worth shit, and taking care of a new kitten means Shrody's not sleeping as well as she could be either. I think all three of us were relieved to see the inside of our rooms-two, with the connecting door wide open, as usual. I took first watch, it's not like I was going to sleep anyway-apparently suddenly sobering up will do that to a girl.

In any event, when they called the alarm over the intercom, Shrody and I were up and moving in a flash, grabbing what we could and out the door. The other guests-not that there were many of them- followed us out shortly afterward, followed by the staff, the manager carrying his ledger and doing a head count.

The motel was going up FAST, from several different points, but it looked like no harm had been done to any of us. I motioned for Shrody to follow me to the car and started loading up. It was only when I turned to ask for her bag that I noticed she was gone. And then I immediately realized that Frank hadn't made it out with us.

It was stupid of me not to grab him and stupid of me to let Shrody out of my sight when her kitten was in danger. So, I did something equally stupid. I ran in after her. Because like hell was I going to risk anything else happening to her.
If you've never walked into a burning building, it's a little pointless to describe the suffocating heat, the smoke everywhere, sometimes thin enough that you almost wouldn't know there was a fire, sometimes so thick you can't see a foot in front of your face. Mostly I stayed clear of the flames, but trying to get through the hotel occasionally I'd hit a stretch where the flames bloomed above me or to the side and made the entire place look like some crazed artist's rendition of hell. It's the sort of thing you have to live to really understand, and trust me, you don't want to.

That said, it didn't take me long to get to her, it just felt like it. She'd made it to the room, but she was OUT. The ceiling was starting to cave, and something fell on her-though I'm not really sure what, there was nothing nearby that looked like it fell. Looked like it was on fire when it hit, but for whatever reason it went out quick-which was good for her. Even better, Frank was there, nosing at her, trying to wake her. I grabbed her and Frank and got the fuck out of there. Once we were out, the Manager started fussing over us and trying to insist on calling an ambulance. I'm not ENTIRELY sure how Shrody's condition works and I didn't think she'd want doctors peering at her if she could help it, so I stalled until she woke up.
Oh that was such a relief. I'm willing to admit now, now that we're safe and far away, that I was terrified. I was so worried that something serious had happened-or worse, that I'd lost her completely.
She seemed to be in a lot of pain, but she insisted the man not call an ambulance, and so he FINALLY left to deal with his other customers. After that it was a matter of waiting until she was alright to move and then getting the fuck out of there.

Though I will say. The smile on her face when she saw Frank safe and well made it all worth it.