Friday, September 9, 2011
Let Me Show You
I want to show you all what I see. Because giving you a sweeping overview isn't the same as showing you conversations, interactions that we had that made me trust him, made me care.
This was the first point where I started really trusting him. An IM conversation from the night after Cam died. He messaged me. We'd been talking for a couple weeks, but the fact that he messaged me to comfort me? That was the point right there where he became a dear friend instead of just someone I talked to.
[7/24/2011 4:57:37 AM] Morningstar: Do you think that there is an afterlife. For good people?
[7/24/2011 4:58:21 AM] Elaine: No. I'd like to think there is, but... no. God and the afterlife are just fairy tales we tell ourselves to try and keep from being afraid of the dark.
[7/24/2011 4:58:57 AM] Morningstar: I see.
[7/24/2011 5:01:05 AM] Morningstar: I believe... With all my heart, mind and soul... That there is a life after death. And that Cam is there... With the few others worthy of going to Paradise.
[7/24/2011 5:02:18 AM] Elaine: You believe in heaven? Not to be rude... but how could someone do what you do and believe in heaven and hell?
[7/24/2011 5:03:00 AM] Morningstar: It feels right to me. I can tell when things do not feel right. "Father"...
[7/24/2011 5:03:19 AM] Morningstar: Morningstar says Father with a hint of hate
[7/24/2011 5:03:26 AM] Morningstar: ... For example.
[7/24/2011 5:03:39 AM] Morningstar: But Heaven has always felt different to me.
[7/24/2011 5:03:44 AM] Elaine: Then why...
[7/24/2011 5:04:28 AM] Morningstar: When I read about it, hear of it... I believe it. Despite logic telling me otherwise. I know it to be true, without any evidence. And that is strangely... All the evidence I need.
[7/24/2011 5:04:45 AM] Morningstar: I will never go there of course.
[7/24/2011 5:05:34 AM] Elaine: I wish I had your faith. But I can't. I just can't. Not after... But um. Thank you.
[7/24/2011 5:05:48 AM] Elaine: I fucking hope you're right.
[7/24/2011 5:05:54 AM] Morningstar: I know I am right.
[7/24/2011 5:06:11 AM] Morningstar: Nevertheless. Vengeance is required.
[7/24/2011 5:06:19 AM] Elaine: Yes. Of course.
[7/24/2011 5:07:03 AM] Elaine: Your side... enhanced him, so it won't be easy. But I'll do it if it kills me. And yes that's the only time you'll ever hear those words out of my mouth.
[7/24/2011 5:07:37 AM] Morningstar: If he so much as scratches you, I am going to send him to hell myself.
[7/24/2011 5:07:59 AM] Elaine: Thanks.
[7/24/2011 5:08:27 AM | Edited 5:08:36 AM] Morningstar: Much as part of me wants to. I cannot kill you, or let you be killed.
[7/24/2011 5:08:40 AM] Elaine: Yeah. Same here.
[7/24/2011 5:09:07 AM] Morningstar: Kindness is a rare thing, I have found.
[7/24/2011 5:09:37 AM] Elaine: Yeah. Cam was... He was unique.
[7/24/2011 5:09:59 AM] Elaine: He knew. About me? What I am. He didn't care.
[7/24/2011 5:10:29 AM] Morningstar: Indeed. Naive. Stupid. A complete moron when it comes to the ways of the world. That is obvious. But he was more worthy of living than you or I. Especially Me.
[7/24/2011 5:10:58 AM] Elaine: Don't kid yourself, I'm as big a monster as you. Maybe more, because I trick so many of them into thinking I'm not.
[7/24/2011 5:11:32 AM] Morningstar: No. You are a better monster. More effective. But not as evil.
[7/24/2011 5:11:43 AM] Elaine: Heh, thanks.
[7/24/2011 5:12:05 AM] Morningstar: This does not mean I cannot kick your ass if I wanted to, mind you.
[7/24/2011 5:12:16 AM] Elaine: But you don't know the first thing about my past to make that value judgement.
[7/24/2011 5:12:27 AM] Elaine: Right.
[7/24/2011 5:12:37 AM] Elaine: We're a lot more alike than you think.
[7/24/2011 5:12:46 AM] Morningstar: Sadly. Cam reminded me of...
[7/24/2011 5:12:59 AM] Elaine: Of?
[7/24/2011 5:13:24 AM] Elaine: Of who?
[7/24/2011 5:13:33 AM] Morningstar: My... Brother.
[7/24/2011 5:13:48 AM] Morningstar: The same naive stupidity.
[7/24/2011 5:14:40 AM] Elaine: What... what really happened? If you don't want to answer, you don't have to. But...I'll trade you a story for a story.
[7/24/2011 5:15:06 AM] Morningstar: What happened with my brother? You mean his death? Or his life?
[7/24/2011 5:15:19 AM] Elaine: The two seem like they would go together.
[7/24/2011 5:16:09 AM] Morningstar: He was the favorite. Obviously. Suffered none of the indignities I faced. Never scolded, babied... Got everything he ever wanted.
[7/24/2011 5:16:51 AM] Morningstar: Yet. He was seemingly the first person who did not consider me trash.
[7/24/2011 5:16:58 AM] Morningstar: Brothers after all.
[7/24/2011 5:17:32 AM] Morningstar: Of course, the few times he tried to do anything to improve my situation, I was punished for it.
[7/24/2011 5:17:40 AM] Elaine: Ouch
[7/24/2011 5:18:08 AM] Morningstar: He was something of an out-doors lover as well. Hated being cooped up in his room.
[7/24/2011 5:18:32 AM] Morningstar: So I had to serve as a "Protector" when Mother and Father were too busy.
[7/24/2011 5:18:40 AM] Elaine: Mhm
[7/24/2011 5:19:45 AM] Morningstar: And then one day, after a beating and a scolding, I witnessed him get a new present. A Boat thing. To play with in the nearby lake.
[7/24/2011 5:20:01 AM] Elaine: ...
[7/24/2011 5:20:30 AM] Morningstar: And then my first murder happened. And to this day, the only one I really regret.
[7/24/2011 5:20:49 AM] Elaine: Did you do it on purpose?
[7/24/2011 5:21:06 AM] Morningstar: Yes. And No.
[7/24/2011 5:21:20 AM | Edited 5:21:29 AM] Morningstar: Anger is a terrible thing.
[7/24/2011 5:21:31 AM] Elaine: Ah. That I can understand.
[7/24/2011 5:22:10 AM] Morningstar: I remember my unhappiness. Then I remember watching the light leave his eyes.
[7/24/2011 5:22:31 AM] Morningstar: And I broke that stupid boat too.
[7/24/2011 5:22:49 AM] Elaine: I'm sorry.
[7/24/2011 5:23:09 AM] Morningstar: You are the only one.
[7/24/2011 5:23:32 AM] Elaine: Like I said. We're more alike than you think.
[7/24/2011 5:23:53 AM] Morningstar: Perhaps. Your turn.
[7/24/2011 5:25:53 AM] Elaine: I'll admit right now, when I was little I had everything. My parents were well off, and they spoiled me. For eight years I was the picture of a happy child. And then things changed
[7/24/2011 5:27:25 AM] Elaine: I was told later that I was a sociopath, that I had multiple personalities. Some people never did believe what really happened. But kids started disappearing, and they were all kids that I wasn't exactly happy with. I still remember some of them, whatever people have told me.
[7/24/2011 5:28:50 AM] Elaine: My parents never believed it was me. Until they did. And then they were gone too. It's strange. I don't... I don't remember them at all. But they found me with the bodies all the same. That's how I ended up getting Prosper after me. They sent me to an asylum. Because ten year old girls don't just kill their parents.
[7/24/2011 5:29:17 AM] Elaine: As it turns out, that asylum has Prosper working for it. And he's going after everyone he knew while he worked there.
[7/24/2011 5:29:38 AM] Elaine: So, It's pretty directly my fault that Cam's dead. And I can't tell anyone.
[7/24/2011 5:29:47 AM] Morningstar: Who is Prosper? Really.
[7/24/2011 5:29:48 AM] Elaine: Because WHAT WOULD THEY SAY?
[7/24/2011 5:30:14 AM] Elaine: He used to be an orderly. I don't know what happened since then. I just know he showed up and started taunting Shady.
[7/24/2011 5:31:19 AM] Morningstar: I am sorry. I truly am.
[7/24/2011 5:31:22 AM] Elaine: So, you could've been right all along.
[7/24/2011 5:31:52 AM] Elaine: Maybe I am just a sociopath.
[7/24/2011 5:32:08 AM] Morningstar: You aren't. I am sure of that.
[7/24/2011 5:32:21 AM] Elaine: Thanks.
[7/24/2011 5:32:41 AM] Morningstar: Prosper will pay. Dearly.
[7/24/2011 5:33:16 AM] Elaine: Definitely.
[7/24/2011 5:33:39 AM] Morningstar: I will do what... I can... To help.
[7/24/2011 5:34:02 AM] Elaine: That... thank you.
[7/24/2011 5:35:11 AM] Morningstar: Hahaha. Strange. Becoming a Slave to Him has lead to me gaining... A Friend.
[7/24/2011 5:36:11 AM] Elaine: I wish there was something I could do... about the slave bit. The friend bit I'm pretty happy with.
[7/24/2011 5:36:41 AM] Morningstar: I chose the Slave bit. He is a better "Father" than my actual Father after all.
[7/24/2011 5:37:06 AM] Elaine: That doesn't make him a good one. And I don't want to see you killed because of a poor career choice.
[7/24/2011 5:37:40 AM] Morningstar: It does make him better. He is a lot better than most humans I have met. Most.
[7/24/2011 5:38:09 AM] Elaine: You deserved a lot better than you got. You know that, right?
[7/24/2011 5:38:37 AM] Morningstar: Doubtful.
[7/24/2011 5:39:26 AM] Elaine: No, but just think about it for a moment. Imagine how different this all could've turned out if you hadn't had slime for parents.
[7/24/2011 5:39:59 AM] Morningstar: You'll have to forgive me. That is a bit hard for me to imagine.
[7/24/2011 5:40:19 AM] Elaine: I guess that's fair.
[7/24/2011 5:40:32 AM] Morningstar: In a way... I think you have had it far worse than me.
[7/24/2011 5:40:46 AM] Elaine: Heh. How do you figure?
[7/24/2011 5:40:58 AM] Morningstar: You know what you lost. I have no idea what I have never had.
[7/24/2011 5:41:16 AM] Morningstar: Makes it easier I guess.
[7/24/2011 5:42:51 AM] Elaine: I... I still wish you would've had the chance. Even for just a little while. To know what it is to really be loved like that. To have a family.
[7/24/2011 5:43:39 AM] Morningstar: Perhaps. Might have been nice for a while. But I can't help but feel I deserved this somehow. Or that it was Fated.
[7/24/2011 5:44:53 AM] Elaine: You deserve happiness a lot more than most people. And if that's fate, then whoever's pulling the strings up there is a douchebag.
[7/24/2011 5:45:34 AM] Morningstar: I certainly don't deserve happiness at this point.
[7/24/2011 5:46:40 AM] Elaine: And you think I do? You never had a fair shot. I screwed up the one I had.
[7/24/2011 5:47:46 AM] Morningstar: Well. I think about the time I severed an infants head, lit it on fire and played baseball with it, I began to live up to expectations.
[7/24/2011 5:48:01 AM] Morningstar: Wonder if Mother and Father are proud of me.
[7/24/2011 5:48:30 AM] Elaine: Um. That was... I've done shit like that too...
[7/24/2011 5:48:52 AM] Morningstar: No... Probably not. My recent fuck-ups would probably have earned me a nice beating.
[7/24/2011 5:49:42 AM] Elaine: They were douchebags and they're better off gone. They don't have to matter anymore.
[7/24/2011 5:50:46 AM] Morningstar: Yet they do. I am living proof of their work. Lots of Scars serve as reminders. It's lovely.
[7/24/2011 5:51:42 AM] Morningstar: On the plus side, thanks to them, I can take a beating that would kill lesser men.
[7/24/2011 5:51:53 AM] Elaine: That's not...
[7/24/2011 5:51:58 AM] Elaine: I'm sorry.
[7/24/2011 5:52:17 AM] Morningstar: As I said. You are the only one.
[7/24/2011 5:52:32 AM] Elaine: Well then I'm damn glad I'm here.
[7/24/2011 5:53:10 AM] Morningstar: I doubt your boyfriend is sorry. I somewhat doubt he would even give a damn about my past.
[7/24/2011 5:53:43 AM] Elaine: I honestly don't know. He might. But I think the whole trying to kill his friends thing made you a bit of a blind spot.
[7/24/2011 5:54:09 AM] Elaine: I dunno. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother keeping up appearances.
[7/24/2011 5:55:04 AM] Morningstar: There is about no reason. It is kind odd though. I try to kill you and your friends, and you don't mind. I try to kill Sage's, and suddenly we are mortal enemies.
[7/24/2011 5:58:00 AM] Elaine: I keep up appearances because they're the only allies I have, and no offense, I don't fancy my odds on your side. Plus... I want to be better. It's insane and pointless, but I don't WANT to be a killer for the rest of my life. It's a bit too late for that, I guess. As for the rest, if you actually made a serious attempt on one of the few people I cared about, before you became one of them? We wouldn't be here right now.But you never really did. I can't blame him for being protective of his friends. So long as he doesn't try to kill you, there's no real conflict. He lets me do my own thing when you're involved.
[7/24/2011 5:58:12 AM] Elaine: Lets me is the wrong word. He doesn't mind if I do my own thing.
[7/24/2011 5:58:28 AM] Elaine: That makes it sound worse than it is.
[7/24/2011 5:58:57 AM] Morningstar: Hehehe. Do you really love him?
[7/24/2011 5:59:34 AM] Elaine: Love him? No. But I could. We've barely known each other for a month. You know enough of my history to know why I wouldn't let that happen.
[7/24/2011 5:59:57 AM] Morningstar: I didn't think so. You want to avoid hurting him?
[7/24/2011 6:00:41 AM] Elaine: That too. But mostly I'll be damned if I put myself in a position where someone can hurt ME like Mark did. I made sure he never would again, I'm not about to let anyone else do the same.
[7/24/2011 6:01:01 AM] Elaine: Not that I think he would, but... It's better to be safe.
[7/24/2011 6:01:27 AM] Morningstar: Understood. You know you are going to destroy him when the truth comes out, right?
[7/24/2011 6:02:33 AM] Elaine: I don't see any reason that it should come out. If that changes, I'll tell him myself. It's not like he instantly gets the right to know everything about me because we went on a date.
[7/24/2011 6:02:58 AM] Morningstar: The truth always comes out sooner or later.
[7/24/2011 6:03:18 AM] Elaine: I guess so. You going to keep trying to encourage it along?
[7/24/2011 6:03:27 AM] Morningstar: No.
[7/24/2011 6:03:41 AM] Elaine: Thank you.
[7/24/2011 6:03:52 AM] Morningstar: Frankly I don't give a damn about Sage in the least. But hurting him is hurting you.
[7/24/2011 6:04:07 AM] Elaine: As far as I know, you're the only one alive anymore that knows the truth. Other than me.
[7/24/2011 6:04:47 AM] Morningstar: What an honor. I can practically assure you I will not be alive much longer though.
[7/24/2011 6:05:01 AM] Elaine: Don't say that. We'll think of something.
[7/24/2011 6:05:16 AM] Morningstar: Death is the only way out.
[7/24/2011 6:05:55 AM] Elaine: I thought you were the one who believes in afterlifes. An eternity of torment doesn't really seem like an 'out'.
[7/24/2011 6:06:22 AM | Edited 6:06:28 AM] Morningstar: Out of the frying pan. Into the hellfire.
[7/24/2011 6:06:40 AM] Elaine: Yeah. That doesn't seem like an improvement.
[7/24/2011 6:06:50 AM] Morningstar: It won't be. But it is too late now.
[7/24/2011 6:07:20 AM] Elaine: There HAS to be something we can do.
[7/24/2011 6:08:02 AM] Morningstar: No. There does not have to be. Not everything is mortal. Killable. Beatable.
[7/24/2011 6:08:46 AM] Elaine: DAMMIT STAR I'M NOT GIVING UP ON YOU. I'm not losing you too. Not now.
[7/24/2011 6:09:21 AM] Morningstar: No. Not now. In the coming weeks... Perhaps.
[7/24/2011 6:10:12 AM] Elaine: No. We're going to think of something becase I'm a selfish cunt who refuses to give up another friend so soon after Cam. You understand?
[7/24/2011 6:11:20 AM] Morningstar: Hahaha. Careful Lainey. You may be starting to forget priority number one. Your Survival.
[7/24/2011 6:12:48 AM |Elaine: Fuck survival. I have a list. It's a very small list. It has everyone whom I would actually risk my life to protect. Cam's name was on it. So is yours.
[7/24/2011 6:13:14 AM] Elaine: Everyone else can go fuck themselves, but the people on the list are my priority.
[7/24/2011 6:13:40 AM] Morningstar: Ha. Sadly, the people on that list have their own lists. Guess who's name is on them?
[7/24/2011 6:14:15 AM] Morningstar: I am certain Cam is happy it was him and not you or Jake.
[7/24/2011 6:15:37 AM] Elaine: Yeah, well, from what I can tell he never woke up to be happy about it. I've wasted my second chance. And my third. Everyone on my list deserves another chance more than I.
[7/24/2011 6:16:25 AM] Morningstar: You have not murdered infants and decorated their cribs with their entrails.
[7/24/2011 6:17:39 AM] Elaine: No, but I have murdered kids only a few years older than that. I started kiling before I hit puberty. YEARS before I hit puberty. I've done a lot of bad things since then. I CONTINUE to do bad things, because apparently that's all I'm really good for.
[7/24/2011 6:18:17 AM] Morningstar: Yet you also do good things. Unlike myself.
[7/24/2011 6:18:47 AM] Elaine: Yep. I do plenty of good. Which will all be undone when they find out the truth about me.
[7/24/2011 6:20:59 AM] Elaine: This is it, I have to go. I hope I survive to see you again, Star.
[7/24/2011 6:21:36 AM] Morningstar: You will. And when you do, I am afraid I am going to have to kick your ass for making me get all weepy.
[7/24/2011 6:21:59 AM] Elaine: Of course. G'bye Star.
[7/24/2011 6:22:06 AM] Morningstar: Goodbye.