Going in Circles

But at least Em's happy. She's been off-kilter since Elliott left, can't say I really blame her, the two of us are the only stability the poor thing's had since things went south. I mean, she copes, she's just moodier than usual and tries to distract herself with more and more awkward questions - she's on a kick about asking about sex, specifically how two men work together since fuck knows she's gotten plenty of interaction with gay men. I wasn't even aware she knew the mechanics of straight sex, and I'm not at all fucking sure I should be telling her any of this-but I have a suspicion she's been sneaking around on the internet, so I'd rather she not try to google it or something.

In any event, being here and being able to pester Benjamin again has put her in pretty good spirits again. And being in extended good company with Derek and TMV (and Benjamin, for that matter), has put me in enough of a mindset to put this up.

The fact is, I've been hiding something from you lot. Nothing big or serious, just. I don't like talking about shit, you lot should fucking know that by now. But maybe if I get this out there, someone'll be able to shed some light on it.

It's really two things. Firstly, ever since... ever since we left Austin, slendershit's been everywhere. I don't just mean like he shows up once or twice a night. I mean he'll follow us around for hours. Just starin, never makes a fucking move. I think he's singing to Elliott, I've heard him grumbling about the music, but for me, it's a lot of talk.
Well, talk's the wrong fuckin  word. Like everyone else who's talked to him can tell you, it's more he's there, and you get these thoughts in your head that ain't yours and you don't know how they fucking got there, but you know they're what he wants you to know.
Ain't no big surprise, considering I'm basically a double renegade proxy, but he just wants me back. Says I'm his, says I'll regret it if I keep fighting.
I spit in his nonexistent face and close the fucking curtains. He's never getting me again.

But that brings us to part two of my little dilemma. Most of you have probably figured out I'm drinking again. Don't worry, I keep it well away from Emily-if I can't reasonably take care of her and keep her from seeing me drinking, I just don't. Needless to say I haven't really been able to get much in since Elliott left.
What's strange is that I've found that I have to drink twice as much to get to the same level. I'm not exaggerating, nor am I failing to account for a building tolerance. The last time I'd drank, that one day right before I went to the forest, it took me slightly less than the amount I was used to from before Star got me to quit.
The first time I drank again after Austin, it took almost double. And my tolerance is growing at a freakish level.
And then there's the matter of something Doc told me when I asked her about the booze thing. Apparently, I should've already bled the fuck out by the time she got to me when I tried to off myself like a dumbass.

Now, the drinking could be a fluke-I'm in far better shape now than I was, after all, and fuck knows I'm a stubborn damn bitch.

But it's enough to make a girl worry all the same.

Despite What Spence Thinks

It's time to pay my respects to a good woman. Rachael is dead. She was a damn good friend to me, took me in right after Cam died, helped try to save Shrody when I couldn't. She helped gentle Joel when he was a Wolf, and she stepped in and took a very sad, lonely little girl who'd forgotten how to be a child to Disney World.

It's a little hard to imagine, a woman as full of life and determination as she was when I last saw her, gone. She was fighting so hard for her own salvation, trying to earn the right to the peace she wanted more than anything. Unlike some of us, she wasn't an engrained fighter-she fought out of desperation, something that went so very against the nature of the poor gentle woman I was honestly amazed she did so well.
She was a softhearted woman who once chose to slice into her own flesh over and over to avoid doing harm to a runner, when the urges got too strong.
And now she's dead. By the hands of the very man she'd risked everything to protect. I hope she's found some peace.

In other news. Elliott's gone off to visit Richard again, said not to expect him back for a while, so it's just Em and I. And a new companion, at least temporarily. A couple more notes, nothing particularly interesting, they've just been on the windshield of my car. Either my stalker has run out of ideas or they're plotting something big.

Another Friend I'll Probably Never Hear the End Of

So, with his encouragement, and out of a desire to stay honest with you lot, I'm going to just flat out say it. The Daniel I went to see has been given another name by "Joseph"- Moriarty

For obvious reasons, I wasn't even really allowed to know much of anything, and a lot of what I do know about his organization I don't agree with, but the two of us have gotten friendly and he wanted to make his pitch in person.

Upon making sure that Elliott and Em would be as safe as they could be, the three of us met him at one of his (apparently numerous) headquarters-a unassuming mid-sized skyscraper in a mid-sized city. We had a lot of fun, whatever I think of his practices, and I consider him a good man, if exceptionally misguided.
Again, not that I at all agree with his practices-as much as part of me wanted to see Fakestar taken out, I certainly don't support fucking killsquads.

He asked me to talk about his agenda, I think he's worried about what he's going to be taken as, considering his reputation with the killsquads and all. I'm not going to be a vehicle for his shit, but I will tell you that if you are a runner and he does offer you something, he's serious, and he definitely doesn't want to hurt you. Whatever his fucked up methods, he wants to help runners.

I like him as a person, I loathe what he's doing.  It's an unfortunate split, but not exactly one I'm not familiar with.

In any case, we're long gone now. Elliott's still  buried in his research, Em's still far too smart for her own good, and I'm still a dumbass.

What's sad about forty-seven kids dying in a forest?

I guess boredom's finally gotten the better of me. But I guess that's not surprising. Week upon endless week of the same two beds, one armoire, shitty hotel coffee and suspiciously slimy bathrooms tend to exhaust your sources of entertainment pretty quickly. I think I've watched every episode of every notable soap opera (shut it) and about half of the obscure ones.

I guess there's always blogs - but hell, it's gotten to the point where I don't think there's one I don't check on at least a semi-regular basis. Even if commenting's not really something I'm into. Just for the record: I read all the comments. I lurk around the more active blogs. I just can't be damned to respond to any of them.

Call it apathy.

But that's not really the point. Here I go rambling because I'm avoiding the issue.

That issue, of course, being the topic of my last post. The old blog. Loopy hellforest bullshit blog. Five months I thought I'd be happy to repress.

Nope. Had to be curious. Had to stir up things better left forgotten.

And I don't even get the privilege of having to relive the worst of it directly from the mouths (fingers, shut it) of my former classmates.

I guess this is just a short update. Elaine and I are staying with a friend of hers and staying in the same place for more than a couple days is just peachy in my book. Em's on a Buffy binge and I'm happy to talk about it with her. Never got into it much but I still managed to watch the first three seasons. Got up to Faith killing Allan (spoilers, I guess) then kind of got bored. Went back to the shitty Korean dramas I know and love. The 1st Shop of Coffee Prince - now there's real entertainment.

I'm rambling again.

Researching. Fuck. I was never good at this shit. Makes me wonder why I tried for any kind of science major in the first place. I realize the three-line post I left last was cryptic as all hell and I thought I'd get to post something before I really had to blitz with the research. Even talking to Rich and Alex have lead to nothing. Nada. Ziltch. We're back to rummaging through the technological equivalent of garbage cans and asking questions in shady bars and those metaphors are becoming way, way too literal for my liking. Looks like whatever we're looking for isn't making itself easy to find - and what I'm trying to get out to whoever bothers to read this thing might end up coming more from my memory and Rich's memory (because Alex, poor bastard - or lucky bastard, depending on how you look at it - can't recall a damn thing) more than I'd like.

But hey, the more the merrier, right?

So we're staying with a new friend of Elaine's and it turns out she's not actually sleeping with him - something I'm blaming on the fact that he's gayer than a handbag full of rainbows. Not that it might stop me from trying ...

And if that doesn't work I'll at least steal the rum. That's some fancy fucking shit she's getting, and it doesn't take a lot to figure out who's sending it to her.

Can't let the poor lady finish it all off by herself, right?

Going Through the Motions

Showing Emily Buffy the Vampire Slayer may not have been my absolutely best idea to keep her occupied. She's fallen in love with it, and has seriously asked me if anyone's tried staking slendershit. 'Just in case'.
At least she's smart enough to understand it's just fiction, I was half worried she'd start trying to convince me to call a Slayer to take care of him.
Not that that surprises me, the kid is a fucking genius. I don't just mean she's kind of bright, I mean she's six years old and she's already gotten past the point where my fourth grade educated ass can actually help her with her work.
It's interesting. I can't help but wonder what she would've been if she'd had a chance to grow up normally, go to school and all. She's fucking ridiculously smart, she would've been a damn rocket scientist or grown up to cure fucking cancer or something. And now she'll be lucky if she lives past her next birthday.

In other news, Spencer came by today. For... about half an hour. It was good seeing him, wish he could've stayed longer, pretty much all the same shit I've said the other couple times he's made it out to see me.

Also, heading off to see another friend, I'll tell you more about that when it's happened.